Just Bridge Spanning My Thoughts With Not Having A Whole Lot To Write About

So here I sit plugging away around my apartment not doing a whole lot. It is hard to do things with my limited income on my disability pension. I do find ways to occupy myself with the goods and chatle that I have. I have not being doing a whole lot of art, it has kind of stock piled around my around my apartment and I have not been able to sell any of it. I do play my guitar, but then again it seems like I do not practice enough with the time that I have on my hands. I have started to eat better, but even that can get difficult during the last legs of the month on my limited income. The price of food has become outragous, about everything one picks up it costs big time. Last time I went shopping to stock up on food, it cost me $68, and now the food is getting low again with no money left until I get my pension cheque the last day of the month. I do still attend the art group at the hospital and the music therapy sessions, it is about the only things that gets me out of my apartment besides going to see my Mother to help her out. I do not know what it would be like without my radio and TV. As a bit of a news buff, I bounce around the all news stations a fair bit. I even quit enjoy listening to the news with my radio music playing in the background. It is absolutely crazy all that is in the news theses days, what now we have aggression by North Korea against the Southern half. Then we have all these corruption allegations in Canadian politics with government renovation cantracts, along with the pass of the envolope allegations in Quebec politics. At least the police are being kept busy investigating it all, like the haven't got better things to do. One thing that I find about Canadian news is that they always try to fit in a happy storey or or do a segment on someone that trys to do something positive for society on the whole. I still spend too much time by myself, but when one has no money to get out and around to do things or go to school, it is hard to meet people. I am trying to make a little extra money by selling Christmas cards around the hospital, but trying to compete with China is hard to do even for a small business person like myself. Even although I am not in school studying theology or religious studies, I do maintain my little prayer sessions on a regular routine. It is funny how the Lord speaks in mysterious ways, I am just gracious for small mercies. Such as having a semi decent apartment that is personalized with my art collection.

One good thing about being subsidized by the Provincial Government of Quebec, I got my dental work done at the hospital. My dental records at the hospital go way back when I had no insurance. This time around I had $1700 worth of work done. Can the dentist bill ever be cranked fast. It is like I had so little work done. A couple of extractions for teeth that could not be saved along with two fillings. I will also be getting a new partial plate in the new year. Due to medication I had to take as a baby, my teeth never grew in right in the first place. The student Dentist was such a sweet heart, and really something special while treating me. My over all dental bill for being 50 years old is not all that bad, but my teeth are not the best. Then it is time for me to give blood again to Hema-Quebec, our local blood bank. Like I wrote before it is possible to give blood while taking medication. I just get a print out from the pharmacy on what my present medications are and give it to the Nurse when I am registering to give blood. It will be my 5th time giving blood, and to think all those years I could have given blood and I thought that I could not because I took medication most of my adult life for my schizophrenic issues. The one thing that is really good about me giving blood is that it can be given to any (+) person for I am the "O" blood type. Thus it is really important to me to give blood as a life saver for a multitude of people in our hospital system. Ironically, the number of people that actually give blood that can is so little as to the population averages.

Well I have written a fair bit when I did not really know what I was going to write about, I feel I have made a decent posting so I will sign off for now.

Time To Make A Blog Posting And I Do Not Know What To Write So I am Winging It

So here I am sitting by myself like usual with the radio playing and for once I do not know what to write. My life has become really boring on disability pension, I really miss working and having the extra money from my labours. Grant you doing my art and blog writing is a form of work but it costs more money than it makes! I am getting fed up with the hospital programs that I attend, and still spend too much time by myself. Then when you write about it on your blog, you get all these match making Internet agencies emailing you that someone wants to meet you, what a joke! I average about 5 hits a day according to my sitemeter, and what ever I write about I get advertizing email asking for money I do not have, even my email box is lonely.My can of beer or two in the evening mellows out the boring day. Talking to other men my age or older, it is a common past time when we have nothing, we all drink too much beer. The only persons I have to phone are my ex-girl friend and and my Mum for my daily conversation for a bit, most other friends I can not get a hold of. With having no children of my own, I have no one to really think about or treat, so I end up treating myself to beer. A friend from the Art Group at the hospital got me out on a photo shoot this past weekend up on Mount Royal here in Montreal. I finished off my roll of black and white film on the mountain, and figured I got some pretty good shots walking the trail through the woods up the mountain. There we were , three male psychiatric out patients, middle aged with cameras and no money but trying to make an outing for ourselves. It was good getting out in the woods again with my friend from the hospital art group and meeting his friend that he brought along. Funny how I knew him from spending time on the psychiatric ward with him at one point or another over the years, like we all say, small world. At the end of the Saturday afternoon my two friends got the bus from the mountain home, and I went and sat down by my lone some self and did a sketch of a stone sculpture in the park at the top of Mount Royal. After doing the sketch I headed back through the trail and headed down the mountain to drop off my exposed film for development, then went for coffee before heading back to my apartment which I have nick named my demented prison. Sure I got my little art studio which I can produce in, but what am I supposed to do with all the art, I got no place to put it all and I can not seem to sell it. The price of gasoline seems to take up everyones extra spending money. I got a canvas on my easel with a sketch on it to be painted, it was inspiration from the person that got me arrested, before she got me arrested. I want to paint my layout but it hurts too much, sometimes I just sit there looking at the sketch and thinking to myself, "how the hell did I get arrested and spend time in shackles and chains". (See previous posting on the arrest) Just with getting myself arrested with trying to get answers if I hallucinate the News or not, drove me into a higher beer consumption which I can not afford. At least it helped me sort my head somewhat, more so than my Psychiatrist is capable of doing! Thank God for my faith in God, praying for those more needy than myself gives my life meaning. I gong in my candle and incense lighting while I say my prayers for humanity and all, the planet too, sometimes for sick animals, it can give meaning when there is none. Recently I have been reflecting of the days when I was young and earning $3500.00 over time cheques, never mine my regular pay. On that gross amount I would pay $1500.00 tax to take home 2 grand extra in a month. Now I feel like a burden to society and life loses a lot of its meaning. I really tried hard working while taking medication for schizophrenia, and I even lost that excuse for living over time. So here I am trying to sort out my head with being a financial burden to society on disability pension, yes a artist/writer that always seems to get done in with new contacts, I heard of blackmail working around me to drive me under. The majority of society does not like whistle blowers like I have been, and the majority of us that blow a whistle or two on something usually get done in. Yes, I feel like I did the right thing in the eyes of God, being a whistle blower on certain issues I came across, but it cost me everything, then again God is still there for me when no one else is!

Apparently After All These Years, I Now Have Auditory Hallucinations, And The likes Of This Is Going To Solve My Problem

So here I am in my twenty fifth year after first cracking up with schizophrenic type symptoms and I am accused of having auditory hallucinating when I am listening to the News on TV, during the day when the radio in playing, in the coffee shop, in class at University, when being part of the Museum projects with the Hospital, on the bus and metro transport system of Montreal, and my solution is pictured above. I have no choice in becoming a regular pill popper, I even got arrested because of my hallucinations and went through prison and Court holding cells. I could not even believe it, there I was being shuffled around by the Court system in leg shackles and hand cuffs, all because of auditory hallucinations. OK, I got arrested by someone in the media while trying to figure out if I was hallucinating their News broadcasts or not, instead of a simple solution, I am now going through prosecution by the Courts for harassment. Dumb life of a schizo like me, my heart is broken, my hallucinations are now getting me in trouble with the law, according to my Psychiatrist. I thought I built my Artist/Writer career somewhat and had some media attention. Now I am informed that it was all hallucinations, as every one tells me, and the Courts obviously do not lie. So I am voluntarily increasing medication so I stop having auditory hallucinations when I see people talking, and while listening to radio and TV. Medication never stopped my hallucinations in the past so I will probably become a walking zombie trying to straighten out my life. Apparently I was even hallucinating the class room in University for two semesters and still got a half decent passing grade. Every where I go now I have auditory hallucinations, I only used to have the visual kind for the last 25 years. Now that I am trying my best at my fourth career, as an Internet Artist/Writer, I start getting auditory hallucinations everywhere Igo and got to get myself pumped full of drugs as a treatment plan to stop it, so I will not get arrested any more. It will be a while as I pass through the Court system, I first have to get a criminal evaluation by a Psychiatrist from the Quebec Penitentiary system, then re-appear in Court again in July. Really, I thought I built my Artist/Writer career a bit and got some notoriety for it, but it was all just mere hallucinations. I just hope I do not become too sedated to maintain my blog and carry on my art career, just have to see how much medication it takes to stop the auditory hallucinations everyone around me says I am having. So take care and say a prayer for me as I forge forward trying to rectify this new problem of mine. Update:May 17th 2008, well increased medication did not help any, all I did was sleep and I still heard reference to me in the media and in street gossip, so I am back to my normal medication levels and living with it.