My Train Bridge In The Horizon That Leads To No Where Has Got To Come To An End

I have gone through a fair bit recently and have had a chance to reflect. Since I have joined Facebook and Twitter much has come to hand. I prefer Twitter to Facebook, in Twitter I get to comment about the News and issues that come to pass on the radio. Out of this I have ended up condemming the present Government of Canada with their hate rhectoric towards me. Let me make it perfectly clear on my blog, I am prone to having visual religious apparitions or seeing a ghost and not having auditory hallucinations. Schizophrenia with visual hallucinations as Psychiatrists say, is the rarest form of schizophrenia, the most common being having auditory hallucinations. After making this statement I feel fully empowered in saying that certain Politicians and Psychiatrists that state that I hallucinate my TV and radio are full of crap and should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law for lying to the media as in Politicians and my Psychiatrist should be submitted to a review by the College of Physicians and a malpractice law suit be awarded to me. Why is it that I can comment about news stories correctly in Twitter, but if I comment about what a Politician says about me, I am hallucinating my TV set when the Politician speaks? As it stands right now the present Government of Canada is intent on giving me a lobotomy as stated by the Environment Minister during a News broadcast. The Prime Minister of Canada once stated that he wished that a hockey puck did do in my balls. I was at a University hockey game and the puck flipped off the ice hitting the bench between my legs. The Conservative Politician Stockwell Day once stated on a News clip that if I masterbate I will get my balls done in. Through certain communication with a radio personality,(you can make my skin crawl fighting for me and my story Ms H) she states that if she communicates with me she will be arrested due to Government of Canada restraints. This is in effect industrial sabotage of my company where I can not sell art or meet people to make protential sales. Other media personalities have made reference to me or my Internet work over time and stood by me against my plight with the Conservative Government of Canada. Seeminly they are in the same boat, they can not contact me for they are being threatened by said Government. Apparently this is why the sweet heart that got me arrested had to do it, it way a way of getting me to back of the TV Station when she was putting in plugs for me as she still does.Something like that. As she stated her self on the News, if she contacts me she is risking everything, just like the radio personality. This has been going on for five years now and all concerned have been through the ringer for it, especially me. With my limited income my aging Mother has to pass me food, feed me her self at her place and always foot the bill for a meal when we go out shopping together and Mum wants a break from cooking. I am also in dept over this affair with the Conservative Government doing me in and surpressing me and my talent so I can not make financial gain out of it. Like radio personalities say, I am well written on my blog and media interviews with me are of interest to them, but they are not allowed to contact me for this due to the Harper dictatorship in the present Government of Canada that is out to do me in. I remember way back when, as I stood up for the Canadian National Building Code as an Engineering Technician against gyprock over old plaster installations the radio station that I listen to wanted to interview me but where not allowed to as they stated. Now enough is enough, the Harper Conservatives are doing themselves in trying to do me in and like a welfare agent said, what it has cost the Quebec Government alone with this Federal Government insistance on suppressing me from earning a decent living and getting the proper media attention that I am due as an Internet artist writer. As in Twitter, I have called upon the media to get a media scrum interview to defend myself against the Harper's Government need to give me a lobotomy as the Environment Minister stated on the CTV National News during the announcement of the marine conservation park in Lacaster Sound in Canada's North. I am fed up, my Mother is fed up, my welfare agent is fed up and so should all Canadians be with the Harper Government that surpresses me for unknown reasons other than Nazi type bigotry against me a person with schizophrenia.

Never mind what I could write what I caught in the media with what American Politicians have said about me.

(I got a list of female media personalities that fought for me and my story, I love you all dearly)

(Oh, I have been reminded to thank all the male media personalities that have put in plugs for me and my plight, one day I will buy the keg of beer to treat you all)

{grains of sands will fall in the hour glass of time as vengence comes out in the Courts of God for those that messed with my life, little humour about stupidityand me}

Apparently After All These Years, I Now Have Auditory Hallucinations, And The likes Of This Is Going To Solve My Problem

So here I am in my twenty fifth year after first cracking up with schizophrenic type symptoms and I am accused of having auditory hallucinating when I am listening to the News on TV, during the day when the radio in playing, in the coffee shop, in class at University, when being part of the Museum projects with the Hospital, on the bus and metro transport system of Montreal, and my solution is pictured above. I have no choice in becoming a regular pill popper, I even got arrested because of my hallucinations and went through prison and Court holding cells. I could not even believe it, there I was being shuffled around by the Court system in leg shackles and hand cuffs, all because of auditory hallucinations. OK, I got arrested by someone in the media while trying to figure out if I was hallucinating their News broadcasts or not, instead of a simple solution, I am now going through prosecution by the Courts for harassment. Dumb life of a schizo like me, my heart is broken, my hallucinations are now getting me in trouble with the law, according to my Psychiatrist. I thought I built my Artist/Writer career somewhat and had some media attention. Now I am informed that it was all hallucinations, as every one tells me, and the Courts obviously do not lie. So I am voluntarily increasing medication so I stop having auditory hallucinations when I see people talking, and while listening to radio and TV. Medication never stopped my hallucinations in the past so I will probably become a walking zombie trying to straighten out my life. Apparently I was even hallucinating the class room in University for two semesters and still got a half decent passing grade. Every where I go now I have auditory hallucinations, I only used to have the visual kind for the last 25 years. Now that I am trying my best at my fourth career, as an Internet Artist/Writer, I start getting auditory hallucinations everywhere Igo and got to get myself pumped full of drugs as a treatment plan to stop it, so I will not get arrested any more. It will be a while as I pass through the Court system, I first have to get a criminal evaluation by a Psychiatrist from the Quebec Penitentiary system, then re-appear in Court again in July. Really, I thought I built my Artist/Writer career a bit and got some notoriety for it, but it was all just mere hallucinations. I just hope I do not become too sedated to maintain my blog and carry on my art career, just have to see how much medication it takes to stop the auditory hallucinations everyone around me says I am having. So take care and say a prayer for me as I forge forward trying to rectify this new problem of mine. Update:May 17th 2008, well increased medication did not help any, all I did was sleep and I still heard reference to me in the media and in street gossip, so I am back to my normal medication levels and living with it.

It Has Been A Balancing Act Walking An Iron Fence Through

The Mental Health System For 23 Years

No system is ever totally fair and I always walked the spikes of a iron fence through the mental health system, if I had constantly listened to Psychiatrists, I would probably still be a walking medicated zombie as they have made me on several occasions over the years. Grant you, I did go into semi psychotic states over my apparitions/hallucinations when I was younger, due to the isolation caused by speaking of the subject matter. The medication never changed my thinking process nor my approach to the subject matter I had to deal with, it just numbed me out so I could not function like other people. Apparently, having visual hallucinations as Psychiatrists call them, is one of the rarest forms of schizophrenia. When hospitalized as an inpatient, I was pretty well on my own as I was out of hospital. The Nurses never really had the time to sit down and discuss my schizophrenia with me, you would only see them at medication time or tending to other patient's needs. If I complied with taking my medication in Hospital, I got discharged after three months observation. During the first seven years of my treatment I was put on inter-muscular injects for being a non conformist and tried to hold down a job. In twenty three years I have never had a intelligent conversation about my apparitions/hallucinations with hospital staff, the limited conversation revolved around taking medication and side effects of the drugs I was consuming. It was like I was not allowed to be my happy go lucky intelligent self, the hospital staff preferred me heavily sedated so I could not function to my full ability. Perhaps their own ignorance of what my schizophrenia was all about, led them to over medicating me, if only they could have taken the time to talk to me about my situation. A lot of the time when not an inpatient and taking pills, I self medicated at lower dosages and got a job in my field of expertise. When working, I consumed my fair bit of alcohol and marijuana thus pissing out the limited medication that I was taking or caused a difference when on injections and found my conversation around my apparitions/hallucinations in bars and at parties. Over the years I have heard all sides to the subject matter of visual hallucinations and have personally grown by discussing them. Continuing my education at night in the engineering field while working, kept my mind trying to attain a higher level of self understanding with my condition through principles of logic from the engineering discipline. With the passing of the years, I have come to a conclusion that there is a logical discourse to my apparitions/hallucinations, my theological foundations evolved out of it, thus my shaman antics with my ritual of prayer and belief system came into being. My apparitions/hallucinations are a guiding force that keeps me faithful to my Gods and Goddess', I have seen many a ghost and ghostly things over the years and have learned not to put excessive meaning into them but use them for reflective meditation about life in general. They serve me well as does my limited amount of medication that I now consume, even although I detest it sometimes! At the present time, I take my perscription of 3mg of risperdal and it can take the edge off my anger with how my life turned out. My Psychiatrist seems to believeI should be on more medication but people that know me say I am my old self again, especially my parents! I still have my apparitions/hallucinations on different occasions, as they do have a way of guiding my faith in something greater than us humans, the Lord speaks in mysterious ways!

Attending A Lecture At The Museum Des Beaux-Arts de Montreal Proved To Be Enlightening And Personally For Filling

The Art Group that I am part of was invited to a lecture at the one of the local Museums here in Montreal, "Healing Through Creativity" was a lecture by Louise Lacroix, Associate Professor, Department of Creative Arts Therapies, Concordia University, Montreal. With hearing what the Professor had to say, I felt very close to her chosen words for the evening. The lecture dealt with the subject of giving enlightening evidence that "Artistic activity is a necessity and a universal tendency that can lead to a creative adaptation. " (Museum des Beaux-Art de Montreal Jan/Apr 07 booklet) I for one find my artistic activity a necessity for me through doing personal art dealing with Shaman antics. As the Professor pointed out at the beginning of the lecture, the Shaman of days gone by, helped carry on the tradition of the arts through visual and musical means while being the religious stimulator in local tribes in civilization. The drawing of animals on cave walls served the purpose of giving the cave hunter an understanding/appreciation of his prey that he so dearly depended on but lacked understanding of. I have drawn and painted my apparitions/hallucinations (a/h) as a way of helping me to have that ongoing fruitful relationship with them, along with assisting me in obtaining some sort of understanding of them by studying over time, even although I do not not have a total understanding of them in relation to what Psychiatrists say about my a/h. Having certain callings to practice religious ritual, my art becomes a part of it as I try an find answers for things I do not total understand. It is surprising what comes out subliminally in my art, sometimes I see it or at other times, something I put into the art unknowingly is pointed out to me and I find myself laughing at myself due to what I produced. The Professor went on to tell us how there is a new social movement to use art as medicine to help people with rapid change in our world. Doing my art is in itself a really relaxing experience, it takes my mind off things I do not want to think about but the story telling angle of my schizophrenic issues comes out through the arts leading me down a therapeutic path of self re-discovery and communication therapy. People seem to take more interest when they see a painting or drawing of one of my visual a/h, thus the experience I went through gets talked about instead of being bottled up inside of me to take to my grave. In this way, art is medicine to me while helping me become more socially interactive through the arts, this has its own therapeutic value with the predominant amount of isolation I have as an inner city dweller. At the end of the lecture there was a small art show in the community Hall of the Museum which was held by "Friends For Mental Health". It was their 25th anniversary that they were celebrating the occassion and a light snack and soft drinks were served after listening to speaker introducing the organization and thanking some of the volunteer staff from over the years. The web address of "Friends For Mental Health" is at: http://www.asmfmh.org/ , the organization has quite the little bit of history behind themselves, it all started from a small group of family members that worked at making a difference in the mental health system. In my own way, I work at making a difference in the mental health system by telling how it was and is, walking my trodden path as a person with schizophrenia, so the path is less stigmatized for the next one of that is marching it trying to figure out life with the schizophrenia diagnosis. Over all it was a very good evening once again at the Museum and it was good not to feel so alone as a person struggling through the mental health system.