Wednesday, May 28, 2008
So here I am sitting by myself like usual with the radio playing and for once I do not know what to write. My life has become really boring on disability pension, I really miss working and having the extra money from my labours. Grant you doing my art and blog writing is a form of work but it costs more money than it makes! I am getting fed up with the hospital programs that I attend, and still spend too much time by myself. Then when you write about it on your blog, you get all these match making Internet agencies emailing you that someone wants to meet you, what a joke! I average about 5 hits a day according to my sitemeter, and what ever I write about I get advertizing email asking for money I do not have, even my email box is lonely.My can of beer or two in the evening mellows out the boring day. Talking to other men my age or older, it is a common past time when we have nothing, we all drink too much beer. The only persons I have to phone are my ex-girl friend and and my Mum for my daily conversation for a bit, most other friends I can not get a hold of. With having no children of my own, I have no one to really think about or treat, so I end up treating myself to beer. A friend from the Art Group at the hospital got me out on a photo shoot this past weekend up on Mount Royal here in Montreal. I finished off my roll of black and white film on the mountain, and figured I got some pretty good shots walking the trail through the woods up the mountain. There we were , three male psychiatric out patients, middle aged with cameras and no money but trying to make an outing for ourselves. It was good getting out in the woods again with my friend from the hospital art group and meeting his friend that he brought along. Funny how I knew him from spending time on the psychiatric ward with him at one point or another over the years, like we all say, small world. At the end of the Saturday afternoon my two friends got the bus from the mountain home, and I went and sat down by my lone some self and did a sketch of a stone sculpture in the park at the top of Mount Royal. After doing the sketch I headed back through the trail and headed down the mountain to drop off my exposed film for development, then went for coffee before heading back to my apartment which I have nick named my demented prison. Sure I got my little art studio which I can produce in, but what am I supposed to do with all the art, I got no place to put it all and I can not seem to sell it. The price of gasoline seems to take up everyones extra spending money. I got a canvas on my easel with a sketch on it to be painted, it was inspiration from the person that got me arrested, before she got me arrested. I want to paint my layout but it hurts too much, sometimes I just sit there looking at the sketch and thinking to myself, "how the hell did I get arrested and spend time in shackles and chains". (See previous posting on the arrest) Just with getting myself arrested with trying to get answers if I hallucinate the News or not, drove me into a higher beer consumption which I can not afford. At least it helped me sort my head somewhat, more so than my Psychiatrist is capable of doing! Thank God for my faith in God, praying for those more needy than myself gives my life meaning. I gong in my candle and incense lighting while I say my prayers for humanity and all, the planet too, sometimes for sick animals, it can give meaning when there is none. Recently I have been reflecting of the days when I was young and earning $3500.00 over time cheques, never mine my regular pay. On that gross amount I would pay $1500.00 tax to take home 2 grand extra in a month. Now I feel like a burden to society and life loses a lot of its meaning. I really tried hard working while taking medication for schizophrenia, and I even lost that excuse for living over time. So here I am trying to sort out my head with being a financial burden to society on disability pension, yes a artist/writer that always seems to get done in with new contacts, I heard of blackmail working around me to drive me under. The majority of society does not like whistle blowers like I have been, and the majority of us that blow a whistle or two on something usually get done in. Yes, I feel like I did the right thing in the eyes of God, being a whistle blower on certain issues I came across, but it cost me everything, then again God is still there for me when no one else is!
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Apparently After All These Years, I Now Have Auditory Hallucinations, And The likes Of This Is Going To Solve My Problem
So here I am in my twenty fifth year after first cracking up with schizophrenic type symptoms and I am accused of having auditory hallucinating when I am listening to the News on TV, during the day when the radio in playing, in the coffee shop, in class at University, when being part of the Museum projects with the Hospital, on the bus and metro transport system of Montreal, and my solution is pictured above. I have no choice in becoming a regular pill popper, I even got arrested because of my hallucinations and went through prison and Court holding cells. I could not even believe it, there I was being shuffled around by the Court system in leg shackles and hand cuffs, all because of auditory hallucinations. OK, I got arrested by someone in the media while trying to figure out if I was hallucinating their News broadcasts or not, instead of a simple solution, I am now going through prosecution by the Courts for harassment. Dumb life of a schizo like me, my heart is broken, my hallucinations are now getting me in trouble with the law, according to my Psychiatrist. I thought I built my Artist/Writer career somewhat and had some media attention. Now I am informed that it was all hallucinations, as every one tells me, and the Courts obviously do not lie. So I am voluntarily increasing medication so I stop having auditory hallucinations when I see people talking, and while listening to radio and TV. Medication never stopped my hallucinations in the past so I will probably become a walking zombie trying to straighten out my life. Apparently I was even hallucinating the class room in University for two semesters and still got a half decent passing grade. Every where I go now I have auditory hallucinations, I only used to have the visual kind for the last 25 years. Now that I am trying my best at my fourth career, as an Internet Artist/Writer, I start getting auditory hallucinations everywhere Igo and got to get myself pumped full of drugs as a treatment plan to stop it, so I will not get arrested any more. It will be a while as I pass through the Court system, I first have to get a criminal evaluation by a Psychiatrist from the Quebec Penitentiary system, then re-appear in Court again in July. Really, I thought I built my Artist/Writer career a bit and got some notoriety for it, but it was all just mere hallucinations. I just hope I do not become too sedated to maintain my blog and carry on my art career, just have to see how much medication it takes to stop the auditory hallucinations everyone around me says I am having. So take care and say a prayer for me as I forge forward trying to rectify this new problem of mine. Update:May 17th 2008, well increased medication did not help any, all I did was sleep and I still heard reference to me in the media and in street gossip, so I am back to my normal medication levels and living with it.