It Has Been over a Month Since I Wrote, A Lot Has Transpired With The Start Of School Again

Well here I am finally getting to write my blog again since the start of September, it has been a long haul. The run around to my Court case became a real f'nnn joke! My Lawyer must of thought I was a real nut case or something, it took me a while to figure it out with some of my close media friends. They influenced me not to plead guilty, one special person in the media once said that I would figure it out, yea and I did, the night before appearing in Court to cop a plead with my Lawyer at my side. After the evening media comments about me and Court I phoned my Lawyer at midnight complaining of the lack of a media Lawyer, he was not too impressed again. Not being able to sleep I had my thinking cap on during the night. Then I remembered seeing a piece of paper when my Lawyer was flipping through the file, it had scribbles on it that was not of professional standards of the Courts, and was not sent by me to the person that has me in Court, for it was among items that that I actually did send the media personality. Still figuring about things I remembered that the media personality once said on air she want to meet the really Doctor Goober Mickeal, the conclusion was who is sending this smut mail or something to someone in the media signing my name. My Lawyer got his early morning wake up call from me, and I told him, "You must take me for a really nut case, I remember seeing a paper in the file that I did not send, let me see the evidence, and I will tell you what I sent and which is not mine from finger prints and hand writing analysis. My Lawyer said, "OK, we got to trial" As it turns out in Court the following morning, there are all these people being prosecuted for impersonating me somehow, thanks to their finger prints, talk about 3 and 4 making a lucky 7. I am due back in Court on April Fools day 2009, who is fooling who!!! All this came to pass at the end of September while in University and the hospital programs, while not knowing what to write until I passed through Court. School work and planning , socializing with another Artist to do an art show has kept me busy, and here I am finally getting time to write about it all. (Taking a small break, will finish posting tomorrow) Here I am finally getting back to finishing my post on Sunday! I ended up taking a theology class at Concordia University. It is proving to be very interesting, I am learning how to think a bit more like a Theologian compared to thinking like an Engineering Technician, and it is challenging! The image in this posting is a photo of my text and notes etc, the course has given me a lot to think about how God has interacted with us humans over history serving his purpose and instrumenting his Law over the people. I always found my special way to pray, and always felt God worked in my life in mysterious ways, he has carried me through a lot during my years in the mental health system, and he has found a special place in my heart. Studying theology has enriched me personally in the past, as it is doing in the present this semester in University. I am still producing different pieces of art in the art group at the hospital, thanks to the inspiration of our Adult Educator, she always has a new project to stimulate our creativity, it is fantastic! The music group is really good too, we have a good group like usual and I even got to play my guitar competently with other musicians for the first time. I am most often playing my guitar by myself, but found it really inspirational playing along side other musicians. So like usual, I keep plugging away in the arts and University, trying to get out of the poverty that the mental health system stricken me with.

Music Therapist Gets Me To Open Up In Group, About Resentment Towards Psychiatrists, Through Studying The Song "Walls" By Tom Petty

Two weeks ago my Music Therapist at the Hospital got his group to listen as he played and sang Tom Petty's song "Walls", then we had to draw a quick sketch of a wall we felt we had in front of us to discuss in group. We then got to pick the type of music and instruments the group would play, for our musical improvisation on our individual wall that was in front of us. My therapy session on the subject continues through my blog! If I had got $1000.00 each time I have said "the fucking Psychiatrist" or heard another patient say this phrase, I would be a very rich man. So they are going to get one of my literary beatings in this posting, they are tuff enough to take it because they know they are the "bad person" with being the one that prescribes the medication and the detested side effects. First and for most, when I opened up in group, other members voiced similar feeling that I had about the "Block Heads" that are the corner stone of our treatment. A very common hurt we out patients have, is feeling like just another medicare number, sometimes we feel like we are not being treated like a real person. One present issue I have with feeling like this is when my half hour is up, I am then pushed out the door. On many occasions I have left the Psychiatrist's office feeling depressed, angry or dam right frustrated with them. Many a time over the years I left the session in one of these states of mind from the Psychiatrist putting me there, then headed to my Psychologists office at the local bar to talk to a barmaid because of having no one else. At times I feel the Psychiatrist is not listening, an example of this is from dealings with my present research Psychiatrist. She wanted to put me on inter muscular injects in her comparative study instead of pills. I was not keen on this idea from the very beginning, one reason was having lots of experience with loosing my orgasm on inter muscular medication and I expressed this concern to her. In time she got her way with me and I started on the injections. As she played around with the injection levels, (slowly increasing them and decreasing the pills), I first lost my orgasm, then lost my juice before the drugs made me impetent. I was taken off the injections, it took me talking to the bottom of my beer bottle and leaving telephone messages to her Research Assistant insulting the Doctor like a drunken sailor for her to get the message. She was deaf to my complaints of the sexual dysfunction as they slowly came upon me, it drove me into my mini mid life crisis this past summer. Another complaint I have is the fact that the Psychiatrist calls me delusional for having hallucinations, like I say to her, "strap the Pope to a bed and pump him full of drugs for believing in the Holy Ghost". Psychiatrists should really consider getting cross trained in philosophy and theology, maybe they would learn to deal with us "schizos" in a less insulting manner. A lot of persons with schizophrenia are philosophers and baby theologians when dealing with their apparitions/hallucinations, when we bring up these subjects in the clinical setting, it is like the Doctor of medical science can not relate to these subjects. They deem us delusional when we try and discuss these subjects and how it relates to our personal life. It totally royally pisses me off!!!! I never have a problem talking about these subjects to "normal people". Even trying to get a Psychiatrist to talk about my apparitions/hallucinations is impossible, never mind me insisting that my Psychiatrist try to find the time to read my blog to get insight into the "grey matter of my brain". The TV or mini cartoon version of the Psychiatrist taking notes while one is laying on the Psychiatrist couch and talking does not happen, last time I saw a Psychiatrist's couch it was being used as a filing cabinet. One time in Hospital when the Psychiatrist was trying to figure me out with out ever really talking to me, he wanted to change my diagnosis to bi-polar, I quickly responded, "I built my life as a "schizo", you are not ruining that too by making me bi-polar". He still kept pumping full of drugs but kept the diagnosis as a person with schizophrenia. I once had a Psychiatrist say to me when I was reaching out to him about my apparitions/hallucinations, "Oh yea, you like playing with your hallucinations" while he was punching in medication levels into his calculator. It is like I need therapy now from having dealings with Psychiatrists and I do get get it from various sources besides the Music Therapist. A Psychiatric Nurse that has known me for years, can be more therapeutic than my Psychiatrist, when the Nurse gives me a enriching conversation dealing with psychiatry on part of her lunch hour and she is no longer a Nurse of mine. When the Psychiatrist made me impetent this summer, my conversational therapy over it, came from the Animatrise that leads the Hospital art group. I was alone with it all until the start of September when she came back to work and she admits she is not an Therapist but an Educator. The Psychiatric Nurse from the art group has proven to be therapeutic in conversation compared to my Psychiatrist as well, laughter therapy about old times is one example along with referring to me as an example to other patients, she also has know me since the beginning of treatment here in Montreal. The Social Worker's telephone answering machine has been very therapeutic over the years, these are Professionals that get a lot of the brunt of patient's frustrations. I remember when I was on the Court Ordered injections, my Social Worker at the time, always got a earful of anger from me on her answering machine. I remember saying to her once on the phone in anger, "your medication does not exactly make us fuck like rabbits", she was a silent listener at the other end of the phone. Powerless Student Nurses have been very therapeutic when I was a inpatient, they were always eager listeners with questions and I could always get a air hug out of them! Professors at Concordia University past and present, proved to be therapeutic in theology and philosophy with course formats and reading material, I have probably spent more time in a Psychiatrist's office getting damaged than I have spent in a class room at the University. Many a time since I started going to Java U coffee shop at Guy metro station, which is close to the Hospital and University, the waitress' have been therapeutic through treating me like a real person, some of them know I am a person with schizophrenia through me giving them my promotional bookmarks containing my web addresses, the waitress' make for good laughter therapists as well! So the Psychiatrist got a much deserved beating today. I do have my morning manly blessing back and have a full sack of juice again, along with orgasms due to forgetting to take my medication a fair bit during my mini mid life crisis this summer. The Psychiatric System has change over the years but still has much to be desired and it needs fresh blood to make psychiatry at better place for the Mental Health Consumer.

Update Sept 21 2007: Was at the the Montreal General Hospital's Emergence yesterday after my Hospital Art Group, getting my prescription re-newed and taking steps to get a new Psychiatrist. I was interviewed by two young Psychiatrists in training who re-instilled my faith in the system. I actually felt really good heading home and I am left feeling empowered today, it is a wonderful feeling. I even got to discuss one of my apparitions/hallucinations and how I dealt with it, thus giving the Doctors insight into my thinking process. When I corrected one of the Doctors regarding the use of the word " schizophrenic", he started using the phrase "....as a person with schizophrenia", which honestly made me feel good. Keep up the good work guys, you two are going to make a difference in the system for the better, nothing like fresh blood! I am now looking forward to the challenge of dealing with a new Psychiatrist and I hope it will be as positive as yesterday's experience with Psychiatrists.

In My Case, Spirituality & Mental Health Always Crossed Paths, Thus Leading To My Own Inner Peace

I found my own inner peace over the years as a mental health consumer, inner peace was very much apart of my life as I grew into my manhood, my schizophrenic issues just made my evolutionary course to Spirituality a little more challenging. Having being exposed to my religious apparitions/hallucinations in my early twenties, I was always left with a lot to think about regarding my spiritual beliefs. The preferred treatment for schizophrenia was always medication, spiritual counseling was never part of the treatment I received from the Medical Professionals that I dealt with. Even although I always claimed that I experienced certain types of visual religious apparitions/hallucinations (a/h). I often felt that I should have received some spiritual counseling from Medical Staff around my a/h. If you look at the history of Psychiatry, Sigmund Freud did not respond very positively to religion, drawing Medicine away from concepts of Spirituality. Bridging my own gap between the two with my own pursued sort of spiritual needs, I was always able to feel an inner peace for most of my life. In the "bp Canada" magazine, summer of 2006, volume 1,Number 4, (a bipolar consumer publication) there is a very good article on this very subject of Mental Health and Spirituality. I came across the magazine while attending my Psychiatrist's appointment for follow up with research I am part of on schizophrenia, through Montreal's McGill Medical Teaching Services. The magazine was in the clinic's waiting room and made for some interesting reading material pre-appointment. It is only now that the Medical Profession is taking a realistic look at the positive values of Spirituality in Mental Health. I searched out and always tried to maintain my inner peace with my personal spirituality that I believed in over the years. Like I mentioned in my last post, I was strongly influenced by the United Church of Canada teachings in my youth, through out my College years as an Officer Cadet in the Canadian Coast Guard studying engineering sciences, my only real praying was done on Remembrance Day for our War Vets that did not come back. I did have my Baptismal Bible with me in College, along with my Grandfather's Bible that he carried on him during his years of service in World War I, it always meant something to me due to my Grandfather being one of seven from his Battalion that survived the Battle of Somme in France. The Bibles spent time with me out to sea, always on my cabin book shelf, just in case I needed to turn to them for spiritual reasons. Reflecting back, I can see how they were there for me as a sort of spiritual force with out me reading them, power of believing I guess. They lead me to a vacation in the land of my parents heritage, Scotland. Playing with concepts of god was always part of my life, even in my drunken stoopers. In Ayr, Scotland, I met this young Lassie that I drank and danced with, then got creative with writing her a small pro, "Mary, Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow, say your prayers and let your belly fill with a ghost of olde!". Her name was Mary and I played with her intellect on what might Joseph have done to created a "Virgin Mary", I figured that it did not happen just out of the blue. I inspired her to pray for something I think and if it ever happened to look me up in Canada somehow under the signed name on the coaster for her personal pro, "Doctor Goober". I did not have the complete pen name with "Modesty" yet. After serving in the Canadian Coast Guard, I worked in the off shore oil industry, this is where a more spiritual types of experiences transformed my life into a person being diagnosed with schizophrenia. With returning to Montreal, the place of my youth, medicated to control a religious type of psychosis that was my schizophrenia. I was soon followed by the Montreal General Hospital and in the Day Center Program for Mental Health Consumers, medicated and searching for spiritual answers to my past. I wrote in a posting quite some time ago about reaching out to a Psychiatrist of Yiddish decent through art therapy. So I produced my first religious a/h in art, looking for help on the subject matter I had to deal with. No matter who had the final call on the validity of my claim, it was a very touchy issue to deal with. I have fond memories of the Psychiatrist at the time, leading the group in the Day Program to Notre Dame Cathedral here in Montreal, for a tour of the Museum and the carved wooden statues in the Cathedral its self. Looking at it now, my attending Psychiatrist of the time, played both sides of the coin, leaving me to build my faith with the price of time. I remember enrolling in Concordia University for a semester during this period as well, taking a beginners course in Theology and a writing course. It kept me flexing the muscle of the mind as I like to put it, the Theology course was under Jesuit teaching from the Catholic Church. Reflecting on the memory of my first class, the instructor with a Doctrine in Theology, asked us to introduce ourselves while commenting on why we took the course. When it was my turn, I responded with my name and saying "To help find myself". The dogma I got back was, "You will not do it here". Discouraging at first yes, then again the course was very influential in helping me grow spiritually over the years, did the Doctor of Theology believe in reverse psychology like my Canadian Coast Guard training, with now seeing what seemed like that was how my Psychiatrist of the time treated me as well. I went on to graduate from the Day Center and go into a Government of Canada back to work training program. At this time, I took a second writing course where I ended up doing a research paper on the Tarot cards, leading me to grow spiritually in a more empowering direction. I developed my own personal belief system around the Tarot cards over the years by applying engineering logic to the subject of Tarot card use. I still turn to the system of card use I put together, along with my now grown collection of Holy Books, when troubled spiritually with aspects of my life, while trying to maintain an inner peace. My variations of styles that my a/h from my schizophrenia have brought to me other idealogies that may not have come to me other wise, it did help me grow spiritually with the basic spiritual foundations that I had instilled in myself after my parents guiding hand. One time at St. Joseph's Oratory, when I went to the place with a patch over my eye for a scratched cornea, I took the eye patch off in a semi-psychotic state in prayer. I then went back to the Hospital emergency and got my eye tested. There was nothing wrong with my eye, there was no more scratched cornea. With a focusing test for reading the chart of letters, I had a pink a/h on the chart. I told the Doctor in emergency everything I did, including the visit to the Oratory and taking off the eye patch. That eye patch was put on early in the morning in the same emergency room, I went back late afternoon. The Doctor could not explain it, I have the medical records to prove my claim. I do not recommend anyone doing this, I could always ride on empty with my power of prayer, like I wrote, I was in a semi-psychotic state. Aristotle's Philosophy and Anthropology by other writers on the human beginning were powerful tools for guiding my hand with my personal beliefs as well. When we were coming out of the caves, we were believing in some sort religious system by the relics that we have been digging up. Religious concepts has carried us through time and now it is being re-introduced into the Mental System for its therapeutic value of consoling when there is not much else. One time that I was in the General's Psychiatric Ward, I read a articale from the Montreal newspaper "The Gazette", that was posted on the bulletin board. The clipping circumvented idealogies that when persons in the Mental Health System have family power of prayer backing them, they fare better than those that do not. My parents always prayed extensively for me through the years, I think Mom even spent some overtime at it for me. Spirituality is a path to self discovery and education that no man or woman should be denied, organized religion is a powerful force, so are the many rituals of the Holy Houses of the World. I once discussed power of prayer with a Muslim Psychiatrist, while getting an emergency side effect prescription at the Montreal General Hospital. The result was, you can create ritual and prayer over anything, it is just what you do with it, in a good verses evil World.