Coming Out Of Heavily Drugged Induced State Leaves Me Weathering Out A Psychological Storm Of Thoughts And Feelings About My Life
Well, here I am slowly getting my act together again with functioning better after doing a lot of pill popping to control the Extra Pyramidal Side Effects. I never did take kindly to being sedated so I could not function, when one is left medicated and laying in bed at home, struggling to cope with ones situation, the mind is thrown for quite the loop. At times the assumed fetal position that one finds themselves in frequently, under heavy sedation and with what seems like one being totally alone with the situation, helps one to crawl out of the complexities of the mind and find inner strength to gain control of ones life again. At times I am at a loss how my inner strength carries on, it feels really beat up with all that has transpired in the recent past. It is like one has to create their own light in the darkened tunnel of life, while keeping the illumination of hope close to the heart as one regains the strength that was lost. Physically feeling weakened after going through what seemed like a drug withdrawal from the high medication levels and lack of good eating habits at the time, my daily habits are slowly getting back on track. I have not had any Extra Pyramidal Side Effects since I woke up out of the drug induced state, I had stopped all the medication that I was taking so that I would be able to do more than sleep all the time. It was a nervous waiting game as I passed the days until the visit to the new Psychiatrist that is going to over see my case. The mental health system does not take lightly to consumers playing with their medication or stopping it as I did, there is always a fear of the system when you play with it. Knowing that I was due to see the new Psychiatrist over seeing my situation, a lot went through my mind as I did not know her as an individual, how would she deal with my confession of stopping medication to get a partial grip on my life again. I now presently have a lot of not so pleasant flash backs from being strapped to beds and taking what seemed like excessive amounts of medication for my situation. Anger and fustration compounded my situation for the worst all the time, one does develop an attitude with being shipped off to hospital during Police Interventions in the home. It has happened a lot in the recent passed due to complications on the home front arising out of anger, from all the other hospitalizations over the last eight years due to arguing over weather or not I knew what I was talking about as a tradesperson and this building. It gets to a point where you start questioning quite a bit about what all has gone on, then you start questioning yourself in ensuing fustration. The snowball effect of questioning one's self too much, has left me in remorse and looking at what my life has become. Reflecting thoughts on this pasted Canada Day, left me feeling haunted by all the songs that played on the radio. Every guitar wail or melodramatic riff of music took me somewhere in my memory, within buried conclusions of stupidity, with what I have had to go through to try and succeed as a Canadian with schizophrenic issues. It does not take much to make me happy, I always tried to lead a rather simple life, while it has become more and more complicated as the years passed. The realization of the stigma of Psychiatry has slapped me in the face more than ever before, I even often feel it now from the Mental Health Case Workers that deal with consumer issues, when they are sensitive to the stigma in Psychiatry themselves. I always went through some sort of ridicule growing up, I lead my life in such a direction that it hardly ever happened any more, I was able to stand my ground with confidence as not to be the brunt of it, rolling with the punches and laughing it off. It is not as easy to roll with the punches that come with the stigma of Psychiatry, it brings out a not so pleasant sentiment in me that has more and more over tones of anger. I came back to Montreal from the East Coast as an angry young man with the schizophrenia diagnoses, I got over it through time to gain the reputation at one place of occupation as the "Happy Mechanic" that knew what he was doing around engineering principles. Now I have to get used to picking up a tool of my trade once again, it is easy to loose the knack of working as a tradesperson with tools. My balance is a bit off which takes some time to get a handle on again while working, it has improved some recently but it like you find yourself testing ones balance a bit all over again with adjile movements while working. It is like I am for ever rebuilding myself in this way in the last couple of years, hopefully with the new Psychiatrist that now treats me with medication, it could be made easier with lower levels of medication. When I had my first visit with the Doctor, it was a lengther visit than what I am usually used to. Of course there were the primary questions one is always faced with, so the Doctor can evaluate your mental stability. An evaluation was also completed for the Extra Pyramidal Side Effects and the residual reprocussions on my physical being. Over all the visit went well and I started on a new perscribtion of Risperdal at a low dose. I see the Psychiatrist in about a week, for further evaluation while consuming her perscribed medication. I felt more free talking to my new Doctor, there was some comman ground found for what direction could be taken for my medication treatment, so I can produce to pay taxes once again instead of being incapacitated. The winding road keeps winding on with some sort of light off in the distance.
