Doc GM"s Political Messenger Vol VIII Edition I

My Life Has Become More and More Of A Spider Web In The Woods Trying To Catch Some Company In My Life

Here I am finally getting a new blog posting up in the New Year, first of 2011, how time flies. I got drunk by myself New Years like it has been the last couple of years, then I fight depression how I blew the monthly budget, and it is like what budget there is no budget to work with. I remember in my youth working on the ships when I used to go back to the bank when I was down to a $100 in my pocket, those were the days my friend, I thought they would never end! Any way I pull through in my solitude with my radio and TV and Internet, sometimes I sleep too much from depression, partly due to not eating right. Mum knows what I can eat and so do I. I have not been working out with my weights, due to lack of money to eat right. Bit of a starving Artist that wants to produce but has no reason to. Like I mentioned before in my blog, I have no more place for art and I have no place to try and sell it. Art fell into my lap on disbility pension and I do not know a whole lot about succeeding as an Artist. With the world recession and all, I realize that people have no money for art, even my inventions that are on the drafting board I have no money to produce a prototype. I was always a good Engineering Technician and miss working and the company that comes with it. My Psychiatrist said to me, "There is nothing wrong with you, get a job". Well my crazy life, I have lost certain practical skills in my profession, I know it myself when I work with my tools for something around my apartment. Then when I get nervous about certain things I seem to get the extra paramidal side effects, damage from taking anti psychotic medication all these years. After the years I spent on the Internet writing my blog and promoting my art, I have one Internet friend out of New York USA, she is something special. A long time ago she wanted me to be part of an art show in Spain that she was part of promoting, but I did not have the money to ship my art and the fees and all. Recently I hooked up with her again in Facebook and we keep in touch, I sent her a copy of my montage I did on CD by mail, and now we have a computer compatibility problem for her to get the sound track I did on my guitar. Even to do more montages on my computer I need to get my computer fixed. It seems that when I had the illegal entrances into my apartment, my computer got sabotaged some and I lost certain software. Sure I have the re-boot discs but I need some help with this and have no one. I took my hard drive to a computer shop that I used to deal with, and it was recomended that I get a new hard drive, yea with what money? I mean here, even my stupid fucken Psychiatrist would not even sign for the medical transport money to go to music therapy or the hospital art group. $30 is $30 when you have pratically nothing to work with. With my present Psychiatrist I do not even have a Nurse to relate certain issues to, nor a Social Worker because I told her where to go due to what she did to my Father with my adopted sister. In effect it was a conflict of interest for the Social Worker I was assigned, to work with me, after siding with an adopted child to do in my parents in the Courts. I had really good parents, OK, Dad passed away and it is only me and Mum, my brother and his wife with child, that do not seem to have the time for me. Rumours float about me, even my brother mentioned one of them Christmas Eve when we got to together with Mum, it made me nervous and I got my extra paramidal side effects. Yea I hurt what my life has become, alone too much and hoping to rescued from my insanity by a decent woman, it is like I repeat over and over again in my head, "My stupid fucken life!". Even when I reached out to an attractive woman in the media to help me over come slander when I stood up for the national building code against gyprock over plaster instalations, she ended up getting me arrested due to blackmail, and like she said on TV, she is not stupid she went to the police. I am tired of being the lonely drunk at times, I have cried into my can of beer enough over my years on disability pension. I have missed out on so much of life and I do have fantasies about being with a woman again and building a future for myself. At 50, I have only had one wine and cheese with a Lady that I set up, I want more of them. Even when I got my disability cheque with my ex, I cashed my cheque and went to the floral shop and bought flowers for her, I really miss doing that, it was like I was skipping and jumping home to give her the flowers. How should I close this posting, I thought about it, the lonely guy's syndrome at Valentines Day, for it is coming up next, a case of beer and pizza alone by candle light dreaming of making my life right with a true Lady Love again!!!

(Oh yes, I can find myself playing guitar to a News Anchor woman on TV as if we were together and I am playing for her, lonely TV syndrome.....){I will always remember my pin up girl or two from my youth, I was too young to think of her/them as married woman, but I fantasized about her/them any way, I never really bought Playboy or Penthouse or got into porn, I always had a good imagination to put myself to sleep,you sweet Ladies that I dreamt or dream about, you are/were all something special, all I ever wanted was a normal healthy sex life in a relationship and spent most of my life alone, then where CSI NY goes with what happens to women, I have to change the station back to the News}

Little added note: Even when I got arrested for harrassment, I kind of got grilled by a female prison Psychiatrist over my masterbation habits, well what, women do not buy vibrators/dildos for nothing, monkeys in a cage will masterbate and a dog in heat will try and hump your leg!!! People do it, I admit it!

I have my reasons for opening up about human sexuality, all these child molesters and male rapists, I know what I could do with them with a hang mans noose, if one can not keep their hands to themselves and fantasies and learn a healthy fantasy, how are you ever going to take proper care of a woman when you hook up with one? Here the other night on CSI New York I think it was, a man was putting lip stick on a dead woman and kissing her, I could not handle it and changed the station, sex is all over the Internet and TV and needs cleaned up some, even these gang rapes out in BC Canada, it is sickening what has become of human sexuality!

Little Extra Note: I know people are in Court around me and my story, it is in the Montreal media, more people are full of crap around than I care to believe, like my Laywer said to me, people want me dead and will do anything to ruin my life, I know real women want something to do with me and bullshit and blackmail gets in the way, this is also in the local media, so go back to your demented hell hole if you try and stop me and the people that what to succeed with me and my story!!!!! As an Engineering Techincian I had Bosses that told me they were fed up with the blackmail around me....leave it to the imagination!!!!! An extra special woman in Montreal media always said she would make things up to me when the crap around my life is done in, to those words more or less!!!! From my youth I gave young ladies love notes to be there for me as I went into uniform and took on the mob for police, standing up for the national building code against gyprock over plaster, I've disconnexted a protential bomb from a Montreal gas main, shut down bull shit factories, the list goes on and on, I want to come home to the certain ladies that fought and always stood by their love notes from me, as to my youth and as an adult!!!!! I recall in my University class, a semi discussion about Godly pregnancy tests, like the Prof said there is no such thing, no fucking kidding, and to put it bluntly who is the Father of your Godly pregnacy test if you are with child, God by genetics? This Godly pregnacy test is even talked about on the radio, like they say it is a load of crap!!!!

If only I could do a deal with the estate of my childhood pin up girl from Hollywood for cancer in women, yea I had her poster in my room as a teen ager, I even had my precious moment with her before she died of cancer for old time memories, for me to open up as an 50 year old lonely male, I could really talk or write for cancer in women!!!

Here I Am On The Last Day Of August, Still Going Through Bad Bouts Of Extra Paramidal Side Effects, And I Have Never Felt So Alone

putting words together.......I do not know what to make of my life, being alone with the EPSE, the Nurse at the hospital did call me this morning, I had to explain everything all over again and she is going to try and find a back up Doctor to deal with me. They will not take me off the Court Ordered injections and all I do is suffer at the hands of the Courts and Psychiatrists. I should never had contacted the media personality that got me arrested and I would not in this fix, all I wanted was some help exposing my art carreer. Like my Lawyer said when I got arrested, "She wants nothing to do with you", so I am left hanging high and dry being told I hallucinated all the plugs she made during the time period I set her art and explained some art ideas to her via email or Canada Post. A person from her program called me and told me to forget about her she is married and he was suppose to contact my Nurse then I got arrested the very same evening after leaving a phone message for her, I wanted to straighten out if I was hallucinating the TV or not. It is not that easy forgetting the whole thing! I feel so alone and broken hearted with the EPSE getting the better of me. I have lost too much weight with being in the situation I am in and constantly fight depression. The couple of people I do know are at work and Mum is out at her Church activity and I have no one to spend my disability pension pay day with. So I turned to my blog like I always did, I hold my head alot and cry in fustration over the ESPE as I am holed up in my apartment....taking a break from writing.....the image for this posting is just another piece of unsold art done for an expo/sale at the hospital. I remember when it was not long after a Concordia McGill University hockey game I went to, when the hockey puck bounced off the ice and hit the bench between my legs almost taking out my balls, then PM Harper when giving a hockey puck with the National Emblame on it to someone entering the Hockey hall of fame, and he said, "I wish that hockey puck did do in Doctor Goober Modesty's balls", well Prime Minister now I am done in and a total burden to the State, your wish was forfilled! Oh Harper, people acted out your wishes that my balls were done in, a Psychiatrist says I am delusional about political interferance, I think Montreal West Island would agree your comments were political interferance to do me in an destroy a small business man as in me. The credit card reciept, who ever owns it, left it in my apartment forfilling the Prime Minister's wishes during an illegal entrance into my apart, during the date of purchase I was behind locked doors at the Montreal Allan, nobody will do any thing about this issue, so too bad you forgot your credit card reciept at my desk in amoung my company reciepts, wanting to be me I guess, what? I bet none of my shit is at your desk illegally. I was taking medication at the time when the Prime Minister made his comment and still told I hallucinated my TV.....like fucken shit I hallucinated everything about me in the media, apparently the word of powerful people is I hallucinated this hockey puck situation too. Funny how my schizophrenia worked around visual religious type apparitions/hallucinations, and people expanded my hallucinations around radio and TV.....just dazied and confused about being done in around my schizophrenic issues. I really fell in love in a certain way to the woman that got me arrested when she was my natural hallucingenic putting in plugs for me, I do want to talk to you about it all, I did a lot of art around you!!!! Other media comments about me by personalities have been made, one day I will get to talk someone about what went on proir to my arrest. I was even forced to admit I hallucinate TV around the woman that got me arrested at the Tribunal to get out of hospital.....rumours still float about me around Montreal when I am out and about because of all this. Like my Parole Offier while going through the Courts said, I should never have been arrested. The Court Psychologist said that I have above average intelligence, so I am sitting on something! But I am damaged goods, I still reacted the wrong way when I got a phone call dealing with an up coming event because of the arrest.I close this post and am going to work on a post regarding what I did in music therapy working with somone on music,we wrote and played together proforming to other group members.

Here I Am Still In The Allan Memorial Insitute Of Montreal As A Patient In Psychiatry, Out Again On A Pass After A Long Period Of Not Being Out, Images Are Art I Did In Hospital Based on A Flower In The Hospital Music Room And A Landscape From One Of Art History's Great Masters Hanging in The Ward's Conference Room.

Here I am sorting out some of my affairs at the University while out on an afternoon pass from the Allan. Got over alot of my anger from being yanked out of society at the Tribunal I had to attend. When I got paper work back from the Tribunal and getting clued in on what was going on, I settled down a bit. Here I am on a computer in a computer shop close to the University getting a blog posting up and written a bit. I have decided to now use the Artist signature Doc GM (squared) after adding Mickeal to my pen name in rememberance of my Grandfather. Time is precious and I must to a search in Google on the medication I will soon be put on,, more or less looking for mental health consumer information on the medication....till I get back writting my blog ......later....Back to working and maintaining my Studio engineering technology shop, here it is Saturday April 3rd 2010, home from the hospital again for the day, the guitar got the spring tune up, now it is time for "My Betties", the computer, making sure what works due to all the dust and grime in my place from Detroit Rock City blowing off the St Lawerance from the jet stream, hooking on the building protruding section and blowing in my window. I got my fine vacuum hose on my vacuum cleaning nossal, just got to watch the heat on my motor so it does not over heat with my nozzle modification and vacuum out my computer. Next to do, I think I am going to make a small room filter at my computer cooling fan suction located in the back. I know inside needs cleaned so now is to shut down and spring clean my computer named  Betties,... so long for now.....An hour later or so and I am altogether again. Made like a skirt/filter of teary cloth hanging over the back to the floor covering my connextings and cooling fan. The computer can be cleaned up some more, for that I got to have a technician that knows more than me. ....on my mini  flexable tubing I put a disinfectant cloth on it with a elastic band. ....wiped then vacuumed out again with the hose cut on an angle....coffeee time!!!!! Easter Sunday 2010: Here I am back at home on an Easter Sunday  pass from the hospital and on a continual process of spring cleaning the apartment/home. For the second image in this posting, after I did the landscape in the hospital, I looked at it, and saw how my sexual fustration comes out again in my art, it kind of looks like women's panties in the red flower scape with a hedge hog sitting on top of the red growth in the valley of the land scape. I turn the big 50 this year and feel as young as ever even although I spent most of my life alone. Even my Mum at 80 years old can still walk the hill up the mountain to the hospitals like me, it has been a quarter century working with McGill Medical Services as an in patient/out patient....now to do some more spring cleaning in my fox hole of a home , then back to then hospital for blood pressure check and medication time !!!!!! The Saga Continues: cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, key board got a once over with a handy wipe, dam cigarette smoke, constantly cleaning up after second hand smoke and I live alone! Changed my widow filter of green teary cloth, this time there is curtain shear stiched on to the green teary cloth for a secondary filter layer on the inward side, it keeps car exhaust etc out of my apartment somewhat! Grant you it is only duct taped in, when I get to wash my windows, a good scrub with bio-degradable cleaner and paint thinner will lift my old tape marks. I bought wood to make a proper box and will put the box design up on the Internet when I make it, nobody ownes filter processes it is used in everything including wine making!!!! In a while ....Update: April 8th 2010:  It seem fashionable for blundering idiots to say what they resent in the media recently, along with some of my words being resented. Too bad certain politicians tried to make it legal  to commit idustrial sabotage against me, then I have to live with the memory of a fool saying to me, he ate part of my Father after he past away. I am still trying to pick up the pieces from illegal entrance into my home/office/art studio/engineering shop, sooner or later I will get some one to foot the bill for all the damages when I get the appropiate individuals to take action over the credit card reciept for an expensive suit left behind in my apartment, never mind the demented idiots I got to combat that think they own me, above averge intelligencia usaully rules over blundering fools!!!!! Got to get back to picking up the pieces from industrial sabotage, so in a while! Funny how when ever I come home on a pass from the Hospital, I got to tinker with my engineering toys to get a clear cable TV signal, I get next to nothing done picking up the pieces of my home while trying to maintain my cable TV signal with other peoples hotwiring and cable TV signal jamming, as long as I can read the fine print on the 24 hour CTV National News and CBC broadcast on my cable TV, I am pround of the mess of my engineering shop/art studio/apartment!!!!! Here on the local CTV News, illegal cigarettes are mentioned, if I was not done in by bullshit I could afford $10 a day for my cigarettes instead of supporting the Canadian Native Indian tobacco trade or picking between the North Carolinia / Virginia tobacco or pharmacuetical valium trade, when I get nervous about things around my life.Mainly securing my home against illegal entrance with it being commandeered.  Do not get caught up smoking cigarettes or popping valium, the young should totally stay away from smoking as society evolves against it as it is doing as to poppig the addictive valium!!! Hey Tigar Woods, you are hearing a voice from the grave, it is on the News, my Psychiatrist would say you need medication for your auditory hallucinations, you are getting nervous about your sins against your wife!!!!! Then here I am I have figured out how to burn my urine in a bio-fuel just to make sure my residual medication in my urine does not go into the water table and I still have to live in poverty!!! Then in the News, abortions, yea like I wrote before, I have been part of two abortions, I never had the $10,000 in the bank at the time with family planning, I forced the abortion, thank God too other wise it would have been another child raised in poverty, I always lost everything any way, but I won the right to abort as a male twice!!

My Music Therapist Suggested That I Get A Metronome To Improve My Guitar Playing, So I Did

By the end of the spring session at the hospital music group, the Music Therapist that gives me my guitar lessons, suggested that I get a metronome to strengthen my playing with better timing while he was on vacation. I do not have a whole lot of budget, so I bought the Korg metronome MA-30 as seen in the image above. I purchased it at the Archambault music store located at 500 St Catherine east, Montreal for approximately $32.00. It has been really great playing with a metronome, it is like I am no longer playing alone. I am playing along side my metronome, keeping better timing and hitting the correct strings for each cord that I am playing. As I put up in my last posting, I am working out more often again and even this has improved my guitar playing by strenghtening my hand for making my cords, I do hit my bar cords a whole lot better with my stronger hand. We have had a replacement Music Therapist during the summer who is really special, she gets us to produce in the visual arts to express ourselves and share it with the group, and then we have to improvise music around the theme of each group members creative works. The replacement Music Therapist even recorded our improvisations for each members art, after we all signed a release form. The Montreal General Hospital here in Montreal has really dedicated Music Therapists that really go out of the wa for us out patients. We all go through a healing experience in group as we interrelate our art and music. We the out patients draw upon each other through the guidance of our Music Therapist in group, we all find ways to relate to each others art and music. Since we the out patients know each other so well, the Music Therapist gets us to pick what instrument the group members plays to express our own art, since we know each other skills so well. I am even playing guitar in group more often in the improvisations as I develop my skill at home while practicing from my guitar lessons. We have a very special music group for out patients at the hospital thanks to the expertise and skills of the Music Therapists that guide us through our weekly sessions, God bless us all as we find our healing ways with Music Therapists, they are something very special!

The Gates Of Creativity, That Helps Make Mental Health Consumers Survive, What "Birks House Artists" Does For For Me!

Here I am at the close of 2007 and I find myself totally dependant on McGill University Medical Services for my survival. As much as I have bashed the Hospital System for their treatment of me as a person with schizophrenia, I depend on them whole heartedly and the Hospital copes and deals with my anger as Mental Health Consumer. Yes I have bashed the Hospital system in my blog, but we both learned from the experience. I know that I am not a lone, even although I feel it a lot of the time. I love the Montreal General Hospital and the Allan Memorial Insitute, as much as they love their one and only Doctor Goober Mickeal. I took a lot of anger out on the Hospital System through my blog, but I love McGill Medical Services with my whole heart and soul, for they have stood by me through thick and thin. Even although I carry a lot of hatred for being a Mental Health Consumer, the Montreal General Hospital and the Allan Memorial

Institute does everything for me to help me deal with this complex. (Taking a break from writing about McGill Medical Services that stood by me, to help me succeed as an Artist/Writer in Psychiatry, going for a beer and shedding a tear for how the Hospital will do anything for me) So I am back writing, McGill Medical is something really special for how they stood by me. My Psychiatrist and I coped a deal, that I am to have a New Years resolution as to not take my anger out on her, she is a good Doctor that cares about me, she even bought some art off me to support the Hospital Art Group this Christmas. Yes, Mental Health Consumers can carry a lot of anger due to the stigma of Psychiatry and I often shed a tear for what I have been through in the system, battling it out being me. Over all, Doctors, Nurses, Orderlies, Research Assistants and patients, supported the Hospital Art Group by buying art off us this Christmas. It was not just me making money, it was other members of the Art Group as well and I send out a special thanks to the Hospital Staff for supporting the Hospital Art Group! I remember when a Psychiatrist one Christmas, had to have my greeting cards, for he is a very special fan of mine and my efforts to succeed as as a Mental Health Consumer in the Arts. Over all, I feel really touched by the Hospital Staff 's efforts in supporting the Art Group. The image displayed in this posting are the doors to psychiatric patients success at the Montreal General Hospital's Day Center for Mental Health Consumers. When I have nothing else and need someone to talk to late at night when I am alone, I aways have a telephone answering machine at the Day Center or with my Doctor's Research Assistant's extension phone number. Psychiatry is the hardest of all medical professions, for it is not an exact science but a guess and by gosh for treatment to deal with the mind. The Art Group at the Hospital gives me a forum for my creative outlet and gets me out of the house once a week to be stimulated my our Animatrise. The Art Group made some money this Christmas thanks to Hospital Staff being so supportive of us! As I close this posting, once again a special thanks goes out to Psychiatric Staff for coping and dealing with my anger with me being a Mental Health Consumer as the person that I am. Here is the link to the art group's website:

http://www.freewebs.com/birkshouseartists