My Life Has Become More and More Of A Spider Web In The Woods Trying To Catch Some Company In My Life
Here I am finally getting a new blog posting up in the New Year, first of 2011, how time flies. I got drunk by myself New Years like it has been the last couple of years, then I fight depression how I blew the monthly budget, and it is like what budget there is no budget to work with. I remember in my youth working on the ships when I used to go back to the bank when I was down to a $100 in my pocket, those were the days my friend, I thought they would never end! Any way I pull through in my solitude with my radio and TV and Internet, sometimes I sleep too much from depression, partly due to not eating right. Mum knows what I can eat and so do I. I have not been working out with my weights, due to lack of money to eat right. Bit of a starving Artist that wants to produce but has no reason to. Like I mentioned before in my blog, I have no more place for art and I have no place to try and sell it. Art fell into my lap on disbility pension and I do not know a whole lot about succeeding as an Artist. With the world recession and all, I realize that people have no money for art, even my inventions that are on the drafting board I have no money to produce a prototype. I was always a good Engineering Technician and miss working and the company that comes with it. My Psychiatrist said to me, "There is nothing wrong with you, get a job". Well my crazy life, I have lost certain practical skills in my profession, I know it myself when I work with my tools for something around my apartment. Then when I get nervous about certain things I seem to get the extra paramidal side effects, damage from taking anti psychotic medication all these years. After the years I spent on the Internet writing my blog and promoting my art, I have one Internet friend out of New York USA, she is something special. A long time ago she wanted me to be part of an art show in Spain that she was part of promoting, but I did not have the money to ship my art and the fees and all. Recently I hooked up with her again in Facebook and we keep in touch, I sent her a copy of my montage I did on CD by mail, and now we have a computer compatibility problem for her to get the sound track I did on my guitar. Even to do more montages on my computer I need to get my computer fixed. It seems that when I had the illegal entrances into my apartment, my computer got sabotaged some and I lost certain software. Sure I have the re-boot discs but I need some help with this and have no one. I took my hard drive to a computer shop that I used to deal with, and it was recomended that I get a new hard drive, yea with what money? I mean here, even my stupid fucken Psychiatrist would not even sign for the medical transport money to go to music therapy or the hospital art group. $30 is $30 when you have pratically nothing to work with. With my present Psychiatrist I do not even have a Nurse to relate certain issues to, nor a Social Worker because I told her where to go due to what she did to my Father with my adopted sister. In effect it was a conflict of interest for the Social Worker I was assigned, to work with me, after siding with an adopted child to do in my parents in the Courts. I had really good parents, OK, Dad passed away and it is only me and Mum, my brother and his wife with child, that do not seem to have the time for me. Rumours float about me, even my brother mentioned one of them Christmas Eve when we got to together with Mum, it made me nervous and I got my extra paramidal side effects. Yea I hurt what my life has become, alone too much and hoping to rescued from my insanity by a decent woman, it is like I repeat over and over again in my head, "My stupid fucken life!". Even when I reached out to an attractive woman in the media to help me over come slander when I stood up for the national building code against gyprock over plaster instalations, she ended up getting me arrested due to blackmail, and like she said on TV, she is not stupid she went to the police. I am tired of being the lonely drunk at times, I have cried into my can of beer enough over my years on disability pension. I have missed out on so much of life and I do have fantasies about being with a woman again and building a future for myself. At 50, I have only had one wine and cheese with a Lady that I set up, I want more of them. Even when I got my disability cheque with my ex, I cashed my cheque and went to the floral shop and bought flowers for her, I really miss doing that, it was like I was skipping and jumping home to give her the flowers. How should I close this posting, I thought about it, the lonely guy's syndrome at Valentines Day, for it is coming up next, a case of beer and pizza alone by candle light dreaming of making my life right with a true Lady Love again!!!
(Oh yes, I can find myself playing guitar to a News Anchor woman on TV as if we were together and I am playing for her, lonely TV syndrome.....){I will always remember my pin up girl or two from my youth, I was too young to think of her/them as married woman, but I fantasized about her/them any way, I never really bought Playboy or Penthouse or got into porn, I always had a good imagination to put myself to sleep,you sweet Ladies that I dreamt or dream about, you are/were all something special, all I ever wanted was a normal healthy sex life in a relationship and spent most of my life alone, then where CSI NY goes with what happens to women, I have to change the station back to the News}
Little added note: Even when I got arrested for harrassment, I kind of got grilled by a female prison Psychiatrist over my masterbation habits, well what, women do not buy vibrators/dildos for nothing, monkeys in a cage will masterbate and a dog in heat will try and hump your leg!!! People do it, I admit it!
I have my reasons for opening up about human sexuality, all these child molesters and male rapists, I know what I could do with them with a hang mans noose, if one can not keep their hands to themselves and fantasies and learn a healthy fantasy, how are you ever going to take proper care of a woman when you hook up with one? Here the other night on CSI New York I think it was, a man was putting lip stick on a dead woman and kissing her, I could not handle it and changed the station, sex is all over the Internet and TV and needs cleaned up some, even these gang rapes out in BC Canada, it is sickening what has become of human sexuality!
Little Extra Note: I know people are in Court around me and my story, it is in the Montreal media, more people are full of crap around than I care to believe, like my Laywer said to me, people want me dead and will do anything to ruin my life, I know real women want something to do with me and bullshit and blackmail gets in the way, this is also in the local media, so go back to your demented hell hole if you try and stop me and the people that what to succeed with me and my story!!!!! As an Engineering Techincian I had Bosses that told me they were fed up with the blackmail around me....leave it to the imagination!!!!! An extra special woman in Montreal media always said she would make things up to me when the crap around my life is done in, to those words more or less!!!! From my youth I gave young ladies love notes to be there for me as I went into uniform and took on the mob for police, standing up for the national building code against gyprock over plaster, I've disconnexted a protential bomb from a Montreal gas main, shut down bull shit factories, the list goes on and on, I want to come home to the certain ladies that fought and always stood by their love notes from me, as to my youth and as an adult!!!!! I recall in my University class, a semi discussion about Godly pregnancy tests, like the Prof said there is no such thing, no fucking kidding, and to put it bluntly who is the Father of your Godly pregnacy test if you are with child, God by genetics? This Godly pregnacy test is even talked about on the radio, like they say it is a load of crap!!!!
If only I could do a deal with the estate of my childhood pin up girl from Hollywood for cancer in women, yea I had her poster in my room as a teen ager, I even had my precious moment with her before she died of cancer for old time memories, for me to open up as an 50 year old lonely male, I could really talk or write for cancer in women!!!