Music Therapist Gets Me To Open Up In Group, About Resentment Towards Psychiatrists, Through Studying The Song "Walls" By Tom Petty

Two weeks ago my Music Therapist at the Hospital got his group to listen as he played and sang Tom Petty's song "Walls", then we had to draw a quick sketch of a wall we felt we had in front of us to discuss in group. We then got to pick the type of music and instruments the group would play, for our musical improvisation on our individual wall that was in front of us. My therapy session on the subject continues through my blog! If I had got $1000.00 each time I have said "the fucking Psychiatrist" or heard another patient say this phrase, I would be a very rich man. So they are going to get one of my literary beatings in this posting, they are tuff enough to take it because they know they are the "bad person" with being the one that prescribes the medication and the detested side effects. First and for most, when I opened up in group, other members voiced similar feeling that I had about the "Block Heads" that are the corner stone of our treatment. A very common hurt we out patients have, is feeling like just another medicare number, sometimes we feel like we are not being treated like a real person. One present issue I have with feeling like this is when my half hour is up, I am then pushed out the door. On many occasions I have left the Psychiatrist's office feeling depressed, angry or dam right frustrated with them. Many a time over the years I left the session in one of these states of mind from the Psychiatrist putting me there, then headed to my Psychologists office at the local bar to talk to a barmaid because of having no one else. At times I feel the Psychiatrist is not listening, an example of this is from dealings with my present research Psychiatrist. She wanted to put me on inter muscular injects in her comparative study instead of pills. I was not keen on this idea from the very beginning, one reason was having lots of experience with loosing my orgasm on inter muscular medication and I expressed this concern to her. In time she got her way with me and I started on the injections. As she played around with the injection levels, (slowly increasing them and decreasing the pills), I first lost my orgasm, then lost my juice before the drugs made me impetent. I was taken off the injections, it took me talking to the bottom of my beer bottle and leaving telephone messages to her Research Assistant insulting the Doctor like a drunken sailor for her to get the message. She was deaf to my complaints of the sexual dysfunction as they slowly came upon me, it drove me into my mini mid life crisis this past summer. Another complaint I have is the fact that the Psychiatrist calls me delusional for having hallucinations, like I say to her, "strap the Pope to a bed and pump him full of drugs for believing in the Holy Ghost". Psychiatrists should really consider getting cross trained in philosophy and theology, maybe they would learn to deal with us "schizos" in a less insulting manner. A lot of persons with schizophrenia are philosophers and baby theologians when dealing with their apparitions/hallucinations, when we bring up these subjects in the clinical setting, it is like the Doctor of medical science can not relate to these subjects. They deem us delusional when we try and discuss these subjects and how it relates to our personal life. It totally royally pisses me off!!!! I never have a problem talking about these subjects to "normal people". Even trying to get a Psychiatrist to talk about my apparitions/hallucinations is impossible, never mind me insisting that my Psychiatrist try to find the time to read my blog to get insight into the "grey matter of my brain". The TV or mini cartoon version of the Psychiatrist taking notes while one is laying on the Psychiatrist couch and talking does not happen, last time I saw a Psychiatrist's couch it was being used as a filing cabinet. One time in Hospital when the Psychiatrist was trying to figure me out with out ever really talking to me, he wanted to change my diagnosis to bi-polar, I quickly responded, "I built my life as a "schizo", you are not ruining that too by making me bi-polar". He still kept pumping full of drugs but kept the diagnosis as a person with schizophrenia. I once had a Psychiatrist say to me when I was reaching out to him about my apparitions/hallucinations, "Oh yea, you like playing with your hallucinations" while he was punching in medication levels into his calculator. It is like I need therapy now from having dealings with Psychiatrists and I do get get it from various sources besides the Music Therapist. A Psychiatric Nurse that has known me for years, can be more therapeutic than my Psychiatrist, when the Nurse gives me a enriching conversation dealing with psychiatry on part of her lunch hour and she is no longer a Nurse of mine. When the Psychiatrist made me impetent this summer, my conversational therapy over it, came from the Animatrise that leads the Hospital art group. I was alone with it all until the start of September when she came back to work and she admits she is not an Therapist but an Educator. The Psychiatric Nurse from the art group has proven to be therapeutic in conversation compared to my Psychiatrist as well, laughter therapy about old times is one example along with referring to me as an example to other patients, she also has know me since the beginning of treatment here in Montreal. The Social Worker's telephone answering machine has been very therapeutic over the years, these are Professionals that get a lot of the brunt of patient's frustrations. I remember when I was on the Court Ordered injections, my Social Worker at the time, always got a earful of anger from me on her answering machine. I remember saying to her once on the phone in anger, "your medication does not exactly make us fuck like rabbits", she was a silent listener at the other end of the phone. Powerless Student Nurses have been very therapeutic when I was a inpatient, they were always eager listeners with questions and I could always get a air hug out of them! Professors at Concordia University past and present, proved to be therapeutic in theology and philosophy with course formats and reading material, I have probably spent more time in a Psychiatrist's office getting damaged than I have spent in a class room at the University. Many a time since I started going to Java U coffee shop at Guy metro station, which is close to the Hospital and University, the waitress' have been therapeutic through treating me like a real person, some of them know I am a person with schizophrenia through me giving them my promotional bookmarks containing my web addresses, the waitress' make for good laughter therapists as well! So the Psychiatrist got a much deserved beating today. I do have my morning manly blessing back and have a full sack of juice again, along with orgasms due to forgetting to take my medication a fair bit during my mini mid life crisis this summer. The Psychiatric System has change over the years but still has much to be desired and it needs fresh blood to make psychiatry at better place for the Mental Health Consumer.

Update Sept 21 2007: Was at the the Montreal General Hospital's Emergence yesterday after my Hospital Art Group, getting my prescription re-newed and taking steps to get a new Psychiatrist. I was interviewed by two young Psychiatrists in training who re-instilled my faith in the system. I actually felt really good heading home and I am left feeling empowered today, it is a wonderful feeling. I even got to discuss one of my apparitions/hallucinations and how I dealt with it, thus giving the Doctors insight into my thinking process. When I corrected one of the Doctors regarding the use of the word " schizophrenic", he started using the phrase "....as a person with schizophrenia", which honestly made me feel good. Keep up the good work guys, you two are going to make a difference in the system for the better, nothing like fresh blood! I am now looking forward to the challenge of dealing with a new Psychiatrist and I hope it will be as positive as yesterday's experience with Psychiatrists.