It Has Been A While Since I Wrote, So Here Is Why

Since my last posting at the end of April, I have been busy making sure that my art on the internet is not too easily stolen by printing, saving to disk or hard drive, or e-mailed with out my permission. After all, it is my art and if it is used for money making purposes, I should get something out of it. Then there was the other side of my life, dealing with medication levels, so I would not have to suffer the Extra Pyramidal Side Effects. With my science and engineering back ground, I am aware of the concept of upper and lower limits. It is used in many applications within the engineering field. During my years trying to earn a living as an electromechanic, I always self medicated at lower medication limits so I could produce on the job as effectively as possible. I have letters of recommendations from old employers from this time period. I must have being doing something right, but the psychiatrist was perscribing medication at upper medication limits, making it impossible for me to function at peak performance. So I self medicated, down from his levels of prescribing anti-psychotic. Once again recently, I ended up battling out the stupidity of the Montreal General Hospital, with them always wanting upper medication limits for me, so I can not function and suffer Extra Pyramidal Side Effects. The Psychiatrist told me, I more or less have to accept the side effects it is par for the course. The first experience I had with this type of treatment, was during my first hospitalization at the Montreal General Hospital, after returning to Montreal, troubled with my para-normal experiences that I was exposed to on the east coast of Canada. It was all drug treatment, if you spoke to a nurse about any thing, they would rush at the end of the shift, trying to write all the events of the shift in the various files. An example of a really stupid entry into my hospital file, (I gained access to my hospital file at one point) is basically as follows. I was being discharged from the hospital for the first time and receiving an injection of anti-psychotic medication, during my injection, I had said to the nurse as a old sailor from the Canadian Coast Guard," Finally, my ship is going to set sail again". A small philosophical statement about getting out of hospital, that was it! In turn, the nurse wrote a whole paragraph on how I was so dillusional as judged from my statement. The attending psychiatrist had told my mother at this time, that I would amount to nothing but a disfunctional person with schizophrenia. In laymans terms, they did not care what happened to me, I was a lost cause at 25 years old. So I got out of hospital, when the injection kicked in, I would just lay in bed all day, too drugged to do anything. When I did try and feed my self, I would have drools running off my lips as I was making my lunch. My mother finally got fed up with the situation and layed into the Psychiatrist on the phone, with all the anger of a true Scottish Mother, concerned for her son's health. Twenty years later I still carry my mother's anger from this time, plus my own anger for the abuse that was administered to me by Psychiatrist insisting on upper medication levels for treatment. From my experience, the Doctors all stick together like glue. If you complain to a General Practitioner about how the Psychiatrist is treating you , he will not he involved. The Psychiatrist knows best. Like now, I was told that if I do not like the treatment, find another psychiatrist. So that is what I am doing now, trying to find a Psychiatrist that values engineering logic when applied by a patient who whats to succeed and not lay in bed all day drugged out while experiencing Extra Paramidal Side Effects. Right now I am taking 2mg of Haloperidol after supper, no side effect or constipation medication is required. Either my spouse or I, mark the calendar when I take the medication, while I only skip days when I have an onslaught of the Extra Paramidal Side Effects. Going back to what I wrote about my Psychiatrist telling my Mother I would amount to nothing but a disfunctional person with schizophrenia, if I had always listened to the medical staff that over saw me, I would have amounted to nothing and lived on welfare, heavily medicated all my life. I fought the system with all my best shots and the Montreal General Hospital with there Out Patient Psychiatric Clinic make themselves out to be idiots all the time. For example, when the Psychiatrist that treated me last when I was in hospital, put the court order on me for injections, there was a conflict of interest and justice was not served properly. The first Law Firm that I went to get help to present me in the court house, could not do so, due to the Law Firm holding accounts with the hospital at the time. Then my second pick for a Law Firm took me on. Then at the court house I found out that the Doctor, that I was in Court against, was good buddies with my Lawyer. They socialized together out side the office, it was a conflict of interest!!! Who was served the best interests, certainly not me. The Psychiatrist that treated me under the court order could not even see how it was a conflict of interest.

Once again he started to lean towards more medication for my prescription when I brought this conflict of interest up. Just like the over seeing medical staff always wants me on another injection where they can control the medical level. It is like the Medical Faculty that runs a lot of Montreal teaching in medicine can not accept that Doctor Goober Modesty can be productive, have a good home life, enjoy people and in turn have people enjoy me in conversation, while taking 2mg of anti-psychotic medication to stay out of hospital. The only ones that gain from the psychiatric treatment that I know, is the pharmaceutical Companies, and the Doctors and Nurses getting their pay cheques, to ensure I am too drugged to work while Provincial Government Welfare fits the bill for my rent and food. If any one whats to challenge me on this hospital type bashing , feel free to contact me docgmcreation@hotmail.com , I will send you excerpts from my hospital file to back my self up. So that may be, the world of shizophrenia will become something better for the next person getting trapped in the system with the diagnoses of schizophrenia. Which reminds me, I should get another updated copy of my hospital file, it has become so big and fat with scribbles that you usually have a hard time reading to make out. Stay tuned for more hospital bashing, if this is the only way the McGill Medical Teaching Facility will learn to listen or read a person with schizophrenia correctly, so be it!!!

Paragraphs on Doctor Goober Modesty's Present Status

With this session of writing in my blog, I thought that I would write various paragraphs pertaining to situations I am faced with along with related thoughts. Compared to the usually tales from the crypt of my experiences, with the present status of my life I am left a bit confused about the reality that I live in, as I relate in the following writings with there topic heading.

Medication

Here I am approximately five and a half months into being on pills, compared to court ordered injections. As a short review of my life on the court ordered injections and how I ended up on them, here it is. I was in hospital on a court order based on false information that got back to my parents while being judged wrongly by them. They were always told by the medical system that I was a person with schizophrenia and required medication at all times, more or less at what ever the cost. With my loving parents being who they are, they were more prone to listening to the medical profession, than understanding the shaman part of me. With their concern over my situation off medication and where I was living in a rooming house, fueled by lies, slander and bastardization of truths that got back to their ears, I was hospitalized on a court order. I started to find being in hospital a bit of a joke, as I evolved in the psychiatric system. It is like a constant challenging battle to survive on as little medication as possible while on under professional care. For example, at night the nursing staff is reduced while the patients are supposed to be sleeping, if you can not sleep for what ever reason, sleeping pills are always made readily available to ensure the patient sleeps at night. Ok, we all have times that we can n0t induce sleep on our self, does a sleeping pill always have to be the answer, of course not! I always ended up in a bit of a struggle with the staff to buy time before taking the sleeping pill, by insisting that I wanted to drink my "sleep easy tea" first. So I was allowed to have my tea, which had to be made by the nursing staff, due to every thing else on the ward being locked up for the night. After my usual two cups of tea, when I had trouble sleeping, I would be asleep with out the need to take the sleeping pill. I went through this routine over several hospitalizations now, the staff got used to me. A similar situation occurred when dealing with the anti-psychotic medication levels, that the psychiatrist prescribed for me, always heavier dosages, which I was always battling over for lower levels. With this last hospitalization it more complex, I would literal refuse to take the full prescription, by only taking the larger of the two pills I had to take. Thus uncutting the full prescribed dosage, it kept the staff at bay because I was still taking some thing and leading an active life on the ward amusing my self with my guitar and exercising with calisthenics, while consuming three balanced meals a day, along with snacks. When it came time for my discharge, the attending psychiatrist decided upon court order injections, to ensure I had medication levels that he wanted. I ended up getting a lawyer with legal aid and found my self in court, with the hospital lawyer along with the Doctor and his intern or resident. I was advised by my lawyer to negotiate a deal thus not having to show up in front of the judge except for him to sign the deal. There I was battling medication levels with lawyers and Doctors. At least I came out of the court house on less medication levels, than the Doctor wanted me to be injected with, I still ended up sleeping the greater part of the the two year court order away, due to medication levels. With being inflicted by extra-pyramidal side effects, I ended up on pills the last leg of the two year court order and presently control the extra-pyramidal side effect (EPSE) , by skipping medication consumption to regulate the muscle contractions (EPSE) of my lower extremities and torso. As medication levels have been reducing in my body, I have become more active, alert of mind, while regaining my sense of humour. I have started applying my engineering technician skills to try and earn more money to climb a notch or two out of near poverty of our house hold income.

Creative Arts and Music

I have continued on with my creative efforts in several ways, of course maintaining an update on my blog, while getting into learning to paint some floral designs, from a book that my spouse invested in. After a couple of tries I started to get pretty good, I intend to continue doing them to try and sell them at one point. I put together my own free website to promote my efforts, in getting some additional funding for my creative endeavors. It was good using a text book again learning HTML, I have to get the book out of the library again to make additions to my website. Reading has become more a part of me again, taking it upon my self to read a book again, I choice one on succeeding as an artist. It was informative, yet out of date for the internet. I have another book in mind at the local library, on not selling your self short as an artist. I have spent the winter from January to the end of April, taking guitar lessons at the hospital, with a student music therapist. My technique and skill on the guitar has wastly improved under her guidance, while even putting the written music on a score sheet, for a song that I wrote and composed. I intend to enter it into a contest that is presently going on at Place des Art here in Montreal. It was really good working with the student music therapist, for during the conversation of the lessons, she would gain insight as a student into schizophrenic issues. The student therapist witnessed my EPSE on occasion, which was good exposure for her, she dealt with it well. So I am off for the summer now from my music lesson at the hospital, but I still have my art group at the Out Patient Clinic. The Animator of the group has been very good, we have discussed as a group various aspects of stimulating creativity and done exercises prevailing to this. As a group, we have visited the Museum of Fine Arts of Montreal on two occasions. Once on a guided tour as a group, on parts of regular exhibition as an introduction to the museum, as a group project for exposing in the community hall of the museum. The second time we went, it was to find a piece of art to our liking and write or sketch about it, for our individual presentation to each other. It was a pretty good exercise and I have another design for a painting out of it, it is just a case finding the time and money to do everything I what to create. I made book marks on the computer with one of my art pieces, while including an introduction of my self, as Doctor Goober Modesty with web addresses of my art and creative writings on the internet. I get around advertising my self a bit with the book marks, in different circles around Montreal society in my local travels. So I am working at developing my name as an Outsider Artists, may be one day, my creative endeavors will have some financial returns.

A Student Caught On To My Blog For Research On Schizophrenia

A student that went by the name Melbytoes, when first contacting me, regarding my blog on my schizophrenic issues, informed me that she would like to have permission to use my blog and if I would help her with information as a mental health consumer for schizophrenia. I agreeded and we communicated through email while she was doing her term paper. Melbytoes took on an interesting twist with her self dealing along the subject of schizophrenia and religious/spirituality. As she acknowledge from my blog, persons with schizophrenia could have more of a need, for an approach to religious or spiritual guidance compared to others. Her writing show that there is information available on this matter, while the medical system is playing with the idea to introduce religious/spiritual guidance in treatment programs. What Melbytoes wrote can be viewed for reading at http://www.leadingmeon.blogspot.com/. I was really glad that I could be of service to her needs, for putting the term paper together. I answered an eleven question interview by email regarding my feelings on religious/spirituality, if it was in my treatment etc. I will have to get her permission to post her questionnaire and results on my blog for common interest. Melbytoes asked me some good questions with her approach and concern over the subject she choice to deal with. This is not the first time that I have been contacted regarding my work on the internet. A Doctor of Sociology doing reseach for the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto, contacted me to get permission to refer to my art show located on the Ami Quebec website, when she was going to do a lecture to her colleagues. With being on the web as an artist/writer for just about two years now, I find my self thinking positively with this type of interlectual feed back on my creative works.

As I Look For Funding To Help Finance My Creativity

Being on a limited budget with me temporarily on disability pension, while my spouse does not make that much with her income, it is hard to finance some of the art I would like to do. The art designs that I display on my free website at http://www.angelfire.com/folk/docgmcreations are works that I would like to do on large canvas, while trying to get the images I need to duplicate onto my own art.These partical works are reflective of me once wearing a uniform once in my past. On the other side of my creativity, it has always been an interest of mine to produce my visual apparitions/hallucinations by painting them on canvases. I was working, when doing most of my art at my girl friend's side in her living room. Now that we are together as eaches spouse and winging the household finances the best we can , I have to get creative to find the money for larger expenses for my art. For this reason I have been working with the staff at my Out Patient Clinic to get letters of recommendation from my Doctor, Animator from my art group and Music Therapist for my musical endeavors, to apply for funding for my creativity. After reading the book on how to succeed as an artist, I got a more solid direction on the basics for applying for grants. The letters of recommendation from the clinic staff are slow in coming, I have been working on trying to get an art grant since I was in hospital on the court order. At first I could have had a possible art grant by taking medication in pill form and answering a questionnaire about the medication. At the time that this came to light, it was a conflict of interest with me being on the court ordered injections and was not possible at the time. Now I am trying another avenue for a corporate sponsor that has a budget for helping the arts in Canada. Grant you, my company Doc GM Creations here in Montreal makes a small amount of income with my building cleaning and maintenance service. I have the company objectives written as providing customized services along with designing conventional products and making those products for sale. Art is some sort of conventional product I guess, it would be a hard point to argue that it is n0t, either way my art expenses go through my company account. In the same light, if any reader wants to help finance my creative endeavors, a tax receipt can be given for taxation purposes for supporting an Canadian Outsider Artist. If any one is inclined this way, I can be contacted at

docgmcreations@hotmail.com to pursue the matter further.

Mirrors and Schizophrenia

I recently was bouncing around websites that deal with schizophrenia, being astonished at finding that there was a relationship with mirrors and schizophrenia, I thought I would write about it. Apparitely there is indication that it is common for persons carrying the diagnoses of schizophrenia to have gazed at themselves in the mirror for periods of time during their early years. I was really effected by reading this because I too have sort of a relationship with mirrors. When I was in high school , sure there are memories of me gazing into a mirror in reflective thought or looking for something in ones inner self. There is also the influence of watching for pimples and facial hair growing in, as any male teenager did, it was like I could spend a bit more time looking at my self while thinking deeply. It was not like I had a problem looking at my self in the mirror. What made me really think about this was the fact that one one time when I was mirror gazing the wooden hand that I had carved along with its chain around my neck seemed to vanish from the reflection of the mirror. As I recall it seemed like I was being drawn to the mirror and the jewelry went first, almost like pulling my self back and snapping out of some type of trance. With looking again, my jewelry was back in my reflection of the mirror. I never though too much of this at time, it was like I was on some mystical voyage already and I just chaulked it up as some thing to keep me thinking. It was not untill later on in The Canadian Coast Guard College during my first year that a Leading Cadet caught me at my mirror gazing in the public washroom in our dorm. I had done shaving and every thing, there I was hands leaning on the sink and in deep thought about who I was or what was to become of me in meditative thinking, when he spoke "What are you doing? Admiring your self in the mirror? ". I broke out of my state of mind while responding " No just looking at the other side of my self ". Which was in effect what I was doing.

In the later years after I was diagnosed as a person with schizophrenia, reflections of my early experience of the jewelry around my neck seemingly disappearing in the mirror, did have an influence on how I thought about all the related experiences of the metaphysical nature that I lived through. It was not untill I found a connection being made between the two on the internet that I found my self reflecting of old experiences. Like I wrote in my last entry on trying to hold down a job, supposably I have schizophrenia. Ok, I have tendencies and symtoms of schizophrenia. But what then is schizophrenia? It always helped me coming to terms with it, believing that it had something to do with the paranormal or metaphysical. I built a philosophy and theology around my apparitions/hallucinations. I even start a calendar based on some of the mystical ways I have picked up. It was mainly an up hill battle because mordren psychiatry does not have an approach to dealing with the metaphysical intervening in ones life, it becomes schizophrenia. This conclusion is drawn from engineering logic.