My Relationship Ends and We Live As Roommates

With time coming to pass, my spouse and I have drifted apart from having a relationship. There was always a lot of anger in the relationship on both our parts, sometimes Caroline's "Demons of Anger" proved to be more than I bargained for. I will always care for her in a multitude of ways and I hope that she continues to grow in the many ways that she has at my side. We had a very special love that seemed to get lost in the battling between our selves. I always wanted the best for Caroline and most of the time it was made very difficult for me to provide that. Somehow I feel that I must write a bit of a close to the creative works that I put together surrounding our love. She finds it hard due to her stating that she really loves me, I am discovering more about myself sleeping in a separate room, I seem to be getting more of my creative juices back while part of my Shaman instincts are coming forth once again. Caroline said, she has learned a couple of things about me since we no longer share a bed together. It would be hard to explain all that went wrong in the relationship, since I have been on the same medication levels that I was on when I met Caroline, I find myself having to come to terms with a lot of things in my head. Seven years seems like a long time to deal with each others personal Demons but we did grow in different directions, always trying not to argue with each other, we were always both left a bit dazed and confused. I really believed a lot in a future for Caroline and I as friends, as a couple it was like we were oddly matched, never bound to succeed together. I want her to have her prayers answered as I my own, as we resolve our separation. It is hard finding the words on how I feel, I sure that they will come in time. I promised her that I would come back and find her in my youth, which we did do, like she always used to say, I came back too late or I said she gave up looking for me too soon. As all comes to pass, we both personal grew from the relationship with our own anger always getting in the way of each other. I never set out to break her heart, the more we tried to grow closer, the more something came along to tear us apart. There is only so much you can take and one has to start thinking about their own personal well being, which is in effect what I started doing. What the future holds for us I do not know but I am lying low restructuring my thoughts about a lot of things that I got running through my head right now. I want to become that happy person again and not carry the anger in me, that stills brews inside of me from things that transpired while we were going together. I feel like time is on my side again and I have some personal rebuilding to do that I am presently taking upon myself. May the Gods and Goddesses watch over us as we both heal.

Tales From My Crypt At Canada's Parliament Building,

Apparition Or Hallucination

During my last twenty years studying my apparitions/hallucinations(a/h) with my science and engineering background, I am finding the significance in many different ways. I have had many a/h and they still go on, not damaging my life in any way, while the a/h have a positive creative influence over me and fulfilling my childhood search for some sort of spiritual belief system. The tale from my crypt, as I refer to my a/h, this time happen on one of a few excrusions to the Country's Capital City, Ottawa, Canada. I have no diary or log of the sightings happening. A lot of it is in my head, yet to be written and drawings made of the a/p, so I am getting it all out bit by bit through my blog and website at: http://www.angelfire.com/folk/docgmcreations

On my first or second visit to Ottawa when the diagnosis was given to me, I was still a angry man from how my life broke down and I was highly medicated, I often played with the medication levels through lowering them a bit while trying to work with Psychiatrists, as I tried accepting my own silent code of not talking about my a/h. Grant you, the anger I carried over drove into a searching psychotic state from not really knowing how to handle the a/p. My silent code served me well and now is the time for the revealing thoughts and images as I saw them in a semi-psychotic state, I had not learned how to pull out of that state in my early years with the ability to see a/h. I was in Ottawa somewhere in the time period between 1985 & 1990. Taking a tour of our Parliament Building and seeing where the senate sits. Along with other historical part of the Building, such as the hall/lobby where the past Kings and Queen of the United Kingdom are carved in stone on the stone work, in this particular place. Fascinated with the archcutechture, I stood meditating at the last uncarved stone for the Head of State from our ties to Great Britain. The reconizable light force I was growing used to, started coming forth on the stone. I witnessed a bushel of wheat on that uncarved stone leaving me with the conclusion at the time that the a/h had something to do with feeding the Canadian people somehow in a practical or philosophical manner. Funny how my life turned out being guided by a paranormal type experiences/schizophrenia. I am a Philanthropist at heart and searched out answers for my life, working in two different Worlds. One of the paranormal and one of normal every day life, I learned and so could others persons that live with similar schizophrenic issues. It has become a very broad term in the medical practice of today. Like a Psychiatrist said to me in the hospital parking lot, "There are many ways to deal with schizophrenia", I found my way over a twenty year period and what it has given me as an Artist/Writer/Engineering Technician is priceless. The price tag to learning what my life was all about has been worth it in many ways. I have another twenty years before I retire somehow, takes money to retire, which I am still working on to put something in place for my old age. Other tales from my crypt will be revealed in the future through my blog or website.

Writings By Persons With Schizophrenia Are Few And Far Between For Giving Insight Into Psychosis On The Internet

Now that I am not working as much in my trade as a building technician, due to the moving season being over here in Montreal, I am spending more time looking into what the web has to offer as insight into schizophrenia. I came across a website that had a Doctor in the Mental Health Practice confess that , out of all medical conditions, schizophrenia is the least written about by the patients of the illness on the Internet. She was encouraging persons with schizophrenia to get on the Internet and write their stories. Here is the link to her page, http://mentalhealth.about.com/library/weekly/aa122997.htm

It has the positive insight of giving Medical Professionals the lock of psychosis to unpick for future generations. There is a lot to be said about psychosis everywhere, the make up of the lock that becomes psychosis that is. Not so much to treat a person with talk therapy, along with educational material in reasoning to help the "Individual Person with Schizophrenia" rationalize ones own level of psychosis and what leads them there. In my case the pyschosis started developing from peer isolation due to me expressing views on my experiences in the nature of apparition/hallucinations of the visual nature. Apparently this is one of the rarer forms of schizophrenia, depending on how the individual can cope with the "hallucinations", some see friendly images that cause no harm while others are in torment to stop the not so friendly images. Same as in "auditory hallucinations", some are friendly while others are not. Mine own visual apparitions/hallucinations I analyzed with a background in science and engineering, which kept me on the more rational side of delusion so to write. The "sensory hallucinations" I have experience as well on one occasion. I relate this experience to be explained by Nova Scotia, Canada, folk lore I came across, as in to smell the Devil. What I smelt was not so pleasent and could be related to the smell of the Devil. I do believe in medication to help the "Individual Person with Schizophrenia" cope with the manestfestations but I believe we should not be over medicated at whim for lack of other resources to help us produce more effectively in life. I confess that I was drawn to mysticism from a young age and got my childhood ghost story I always wanted through my schizophrenia. Hence I am left under the assumption that the genetic Shaman make up is being past down through generations and coming out as a mordern day Metaphysician/Schizophrenic. Some of us can be quite talented in the arts as in the ancient Shamans of long ago, we evolved into Metaphysicians to hold society together in spirituality but got lost in schizophrenia and psychosis. What ever the case I have mystic roots by character which makes me happy with my schizophrenia, except for the stigma attached to it. For all of the reasons above, funding must somehow get to persons with schizophrenia for education in writing and the arts to help them express the inner jigsaw puzzle of the locks to psychosis, so more individuals can pick their own way out of delusion and live fruitful lives without stigma or isolation from schizophrenia. I pulled a post recently due to my wrong accusatuion against a Psychiatrist for spelling, it was my own mistake in spelling. A lot of my points were valid on how one with schizophrenia is treated. So here are some of the words I put together restructured to expose the anger and fustration that some of us have with the Mental Health Care System. A lot of the experiences I have had with Psychiatrists and their Medical Teams that treat the persons with schizophrenia they do it in a non serious fashion. You are left feeling talked down to, your endeavors are not important, it does not matter what facts are straight in your situation, your life is trivial to theirs because you are week of mind. You are not to be taken seriously because the "Medical Staff" see you as part delusional all the time. I know this feeling only too well, I interelate with a lot of normal people at times as a Engineering Technician, that do not know me as a "Shizophrenic". I am treated differently, you can feel the difference, in the same light, once a person becomes aware that you are "schizophrenic", he or she will start treating you slightly different. Like you need tobe watched over or somthing. I could go on and on about it, it is just one of the many bitter links in the ball and chain of Psychiatry.