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Sunday, July 11, 2004

Park Meeting lead to mystical Vow

The summer before my last year of high school, I used to come into the city from the south shore to work at one day jobs at an agency. It was late in the summer and I was hanging around Atwater park in Montreal after work, when I noticed a young woman talking to some men from the park whom I knew vaguely. I wanted to cross the park and talk to her, I was nervous about doing it and my palms became sweaty thinking of going over to the other side of the park to join the group in conversation. Eventual I got up the self esteem to walk over to the other side of the park and I came up to the young woman and the men on the bench and said hello. I finally started talking to the woman who said her name was Caroline and in time I asked her if she wanted to smoke some hash. She said she would like to and we went off to find a place to smoke. Our walking led us to an out of the way maple tree that was on a large front lawn of a building. We sat our selfs down by the tree and were talking while I rolled the splee of hash. Caroline only smoked half the splee with me and I finished the smoke my self. After smoking I took out my note pad and said I was going to write a poem for my new friend. I wrote the poem and read it to her before giving it to her. I did not sign the poem because our conversation had lead to mysticism and how I would find her after my schooling, for I was due to go to the Canadian Coast Guard College after high school. She would be able to trace me if I signed the poem so I gave it to her unsigned. We then went for a tour du ville around her neck of the city before we parted in front of the Montreal Forum as I went for my bus to get back home on the south shore. On leaving each other we vowed that if there was any thing to the mysticism we had talked about, we would find each other again after my schooling.
Well we completed that mystical vow in 1998, on Valentines Day that year, we more or less have been a couple since. In conservation we both have the memory of the get together in Atwater park, it is like we dreamed the impossible dream in a mystical vow and it came and forfilled its self on its own. It was a long forgotten thing for both of us, but the memory is there like yesterday for both of us.

Monday, July 05, 2004

Some time in early high school I tried to turn my hand to writing something creative for the first time, I had flopped my self on my bed with pen and paper in hand. I remember gazing off into my room then feeling a strange presence, it was as if this feeling I had of my hand being guided to write, following is what I wrote:

He has sailed many seas
And I always sail with him
His ship is so huge
But no room for crew
For he will be laughed at
But he holds the helm of the Answer
And I will always sail with him

I believed in what I wrote and the inspirational energy that gave me the words, it carried me through a lot of bad times when I entered the mental health system. I ended up painting a schooner and putting my art work with this deserving creative words. Even to today I am left thinking about what I wrote and the way that it still carries me through some aspects of my life, like there was a guardian angel of some sort watching over me some times.I believed in this thought because of the presence I felt in the room at the time, leading me to believe in more than just the physical that we know.
The painting that was done to go with the words can be seen on the web site in the OUT THERE Magazine under my pen name Doctor Goober Modesty.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Injected Torture With Court Ordered Injections

Every two weeks I go for an injection, if I do not go voluntarily, police will be used to make sure I have my injection. Even with trying to negotiate the dosage so that I can escape the unpleasant side effects, falls to no where. Since I am suffering muscle contractions to much for my liking, there is to be no change in medication levels. The Court order is the Court order. My mouth now starts moving now as a side effect and I feel awkward being in this state, I have a prescription for side effect pills which do not seem to help much, they also have an side effect of causing blurred vision. When ever the injection peaks in my body, I get the most side effects with contracting muscles around the stomach and rear end. The love of my life hates seeing me in this state, with not much we can do about it. When I was young and on the same medication I did not have all these side effects, I guess it is harder to take as you get order.

The contractions interrupt me from focusing on what I am doing, when a contraction starts it can pull muscles taunt on my left side of my body and holding for a couple of seconds. Until I gain my composer again, it is demoralizing and leads me into slight mood swings. I have lost heart in doing things since riding out the two year sentence on injections. Five months to go and then what happens? Will the medical staff ruling my life trust me with pills again? I always consumed less than what I was prescribed and was leading my life trying to be a working man. Drinking beer and partying to socialize got me a long way. When I stood up to defend part of my educational background the mental health issue was used against me, which lead to multiple hospitalizations, hence the court order came about. My girl friend and I are left picking up the pieces on a welfare budget of her income.