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Thursday, December 30, 2004

Trying To Harmonize With The Doctor's Desire For Higher Medication Levels
On December 23rd I saw my Doctor to discuss medication levels and enduring side effects . After I had worked up to 5mg of haldol, I went through torturing side effects with muscle contractions and involuntary mouth movements. Prior to the December 23rd appointment the Doctor reduced me to 4.5mg to try and easy the side effects. I take 5mg of procyclidine in the morning and in the evening when I take my haldol. Constipation with the haldol also occurs so I take 100mg docusate in the evening. It helps my regularity in the morning but the procyclidine blurrs my vision so I have to use reading glasses from the Dollar Store or Pharmacy. During the time period that I was on 4.5mg the muscle contractions were so server at one point that I could not go to work when I was supposed to. I had called the nurse on the phone to discuss my intention of lowering the medication my self if I could not get a hold of the Doctor about my situation. The Doctor was not available at the clinic the Tuesday before my appointment on the 23rd with him. The nurse could not comment, do, or say any thing about my situation. She did say that she was glad that I informed her of my intention to reduce the medication due to the side effects. So I was left on my own to consinplate my fate with my girl friend of common law. By evening time when it came to take my medication it was my own decision to cut the medication down to 3mg. I was seeing the Doctor again on the 23rd of December, and I had done well before self medication at 2mg per day of haldol with no other medication required. When I did meet with the Doctor and told him that I cut my self to 3mg we discussed the situation, the Doctor insisted that I try 3.25mg of haldol and wrote a prescription as such. He did say that if I felt adverse effects taking the 3.25mg just to cut the .25mg. It is like splitting hairs and I left the Doctor's office of wondering what I was going to do with my prescription and left thinking about my fate again. Here I was trying to get away from the bad side effects of the injection that I am facing on the pills now, compared to six years back. After talking it over with the love of my life while playing my guitar. I figured that I did not want to loose the gained muscle flexibility that I got on the 3mg, so I just stayed at the 3mg level with the side effect medication. I still have bad muscle contractions some times but usually it is more tolerable compared to any thing I have under gone in the last two years on the court ordered injections. So right now I am hanging tight until I see the Doctor again in the new year. I am trying to get my motivation back from being srewed up on the injections. I do not sleep as much and more prone to doing things instead of wasting my life on constant muscle contraction. I got into the mode of being idol while on the injections but I am trying to keep my self more active with my interests and hobbies while I am preparing to look for more work in my field in the new year. It makes it a whole lot easier with my understanding girl friend loving me and going through it together as we work to make our lives better with our situation.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Soon To Recieve Minimal Maintenance Dose of Medication
I never bounced around trying different medications, instead I stuck to haldol and worked at living a normal life with slowly cutting the amount of haldol that I consumed. The reason I choise to take haldol was the price of the drug while I was working as an electromechanic or building techincian. Most of the time I was self medicating at lower dosages than my Doctor prescribed. During this time period that I was working on lowering my medication, I was either looking for work or working, while going to school at night further developing my theoritcal skills. My social life revolved around what would be considered interacting with normal every day people, such as old friends from my youth. I all so read a lot of different books between the occult and science and engineering. It helped keep my mind in tune with some thing while growing through my manhood with the influence of my visual apparitions/hallucinations. As one Doctor put it to me, I liked playing with my hallucinations, indeed I did watch and study them as they evolved into my life. Over the years I developed a repore with my subject matter that lead to my diagnoses of a person with schizophrenia. As I put together cohesive thoughts around my visions and such, I was able to cope on lower medication levels. I remember my first time coming out of hospital here in Montreal, I was a walking zombie with drools running of my lip. The medication only plays a small part of the treatment for people that go into delusion from apparitions/hallucinations. I had no counciling on how to deal with the subject matter that gave me my diagnoses, I crawled my own rocky road undercutting the Doctor's perscribtion while trying to be a normal person like my peers in my limited social life. It was like I never could mix well with other out patients and I was never quite a normal person while always speaking freely about my schizophrenia issues. I got known for telling " Tales from the Crypt"over a beer, speaking about the subject matter of my apparitons/ hallucinations gave me insight by getting feed back on what other people thought about the subject matter which made me a person with schizophrenia. Since I have been talking to the nurse at the out patient clinic I got over my anger about being placed on court ordered injections. With this in hand and the team reviewing my blog, the go ahead is there to reduce my medication levels to my self medication level when I was working and met my girl friend. At this time I was taking 2mg of haldol and not having to take any side effect medication. My head was clear and nobody would know that I took medication, while still seeing things that others could not. It is like living in two worlds at once, the world of every day life and the world of mystrey surrounding my apparitions/hallucinations. They were never really a handy cap to me , only when they lead me into Shaman antics and people noticed a difference in me which would lead to hospitalization. All the same I found it a wonderful world of discovery that made me the strong character that I am, while giving me material to write about and paint what I have seen in the form of apparitions/hallucinations. I have had a good life and would not trade it for much, living with the diagnoses was not all that bad and I now enjoy writing about it to give hope to others that there is a positive light to carrying the schizophrenia diagnoses.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Radio Waves from Where?
It was back in 1996, while living alone, that I experienced more strange events relating to apparitions/hallucinations. I had medical complications with trying to take medication and doing continental shift work in a boiler room watch keeping. We were burning rip which is the name for waste wood from a wood processing plant, between lithium withdrawls and alleges to the exotic woods we were burning, I went through a hard time and lost my job. I was able to get unemployment insurance on the medical benefits at the time. Some times idol hands are deadly hands when not having much of a social structure. My Shaman ways were soon to come in to my life. It was one day while sitting on my sofa that my right ear drum started vibrating. The vibration became so intense with out me feeling any pain in my ear. Then I heard a voice of a man speaking like on a CB radio or other voice transmitting device, he was saying "come in, come in, can you read me". After hearing that twice as I recall, the vibration in my ear slowly died out and my ear returned to normal. I was left mesmerized over the event with no one really to talk about it with. If I told my psychiatrist about it I always felt that the medication would be increased when I spoke of my apparitions/hallucinations. I have never really discussed my experiences with the Doctor that treated me at this time in my life, and not having any real close friends at the time to share the experience with, I was left to go into my own mind and sometimes draw the wrong conclusion at the time. I have heard of fillings in your teeth that sometimes can pick up a radio frequency, but not a vibrating ear. I just chaulk it up as another strange occurrence in my life that leaves me thinking of the endly possibilities if we could actual communicate like I described.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Producing Better On Guitar While On Pills
Now that I am on three milligrams of haldol I can play my guitar a lot better due to not having such stiff muscles. I find my self more motivated and picking up the guitar more often now. As a matter of fact my guitar lessons have started up again with the music therapist at the hospital, she has student s with her right now, allowing me to get some lessons in. The guitar is an avenue where I can get to use the seven colours of creation, which I named for coloured lights that I see. Along the neck of the guitar I will some times see the coloured light flashes as I am playing. It has a role in how I can some times do finger picking with it a bit. When I am relaxed enough with my playing I feel that I would be possible to focus more on seeing the colours of creation along the neck of the guitar and come up with a melody with them being the source of inspiration. I would like to become accomplished on guitar and recorder enough to put music to my art shows. I meet once a week at the out patients clinic with a group of adults along with an animator from the school board. He leads us as we pursue the arts with his developed expertise in this field. We call our selves the Birk's House Artists and have started a free web page to show our creative talent. Our work can be seen at I my self have what I call my first four human picorial thoughts done under the pen name Doctor Goober Modesty. The one thing that did happen on the court ordered injections is that my art and music took a direction and I have recently got together with a couple of old friends batting around creative ideas surrounding the arts. In effect I am starting to get my life back after getting off the injections. Even my girl friend of common law notices the difference in me. I have become a lot more active and not prone to doing nothing productive with my time. Good reading and hope you enjoy the Birk's House Artist's work if you take a look at the web site.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Early Parole from Court Ordered Injections is Achieved
After the meeting with the Doctor and the nurse where we discussed my side effects, working to a solution, it was like a plea bargain. I agreed to take 5 mg of haldol daily, while continuing to see the nurse once a week for now due to being on such a low dosage. I had been taking the same dosage when I meet my present girl friend, for us it seems like a sense of accomplishing some thing after the court order. I have been on the pills for one week now and I have never felt better it seems. I only had one bad day in the transistion. It was like I felt adrenaline flowing through my body and all most like feeling an energy shell around my body after a couple of days of not getting the injection and starting the pills. The pills started at a 2 mg dose to work up to 5 mg over a month. On the seventh day I feel fine and morally feeling a lot better from not having to suffer from side effects this past week. It is like a great burden has been lifted and I am feeling more energetic and motivated. It was crushing for me to be on the injections because it seemed like I had no control over my situation, I was being controlled by the system with an end result being torturing side effects. When I think back over the two years I have accomplishment my web art show with Ami Quebec which can be viewed at in the Out There Magazine under my pen name Doctor Goober Modesty in the art section. I have also taken part in three expo art sales at the out patient clinic where I am seen by the medical staff. While these two years passed I was not able to accomplish that much but my art took a sense of direction. I have also had guitar lessons at the hospital through a music therapist. The lessons are starting up again with the student music therapist that is doing her on the job training at the hospital right now. So I am trying to stay active as I work out this new lease on life on the three week early parole from court ordered injections.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Side Effects Still Affecting My Life
Now that I am getting my injections once a week so the peak of the side effects are not as bad. As soon as I start feeling good and comfortable about my self , while keeping busy it is time to go for another injection. My Doctor saw me about two weeks back he and saw for him self the torturing muscle contractions in my stomach. It is so severe at times that it takes away ones ability to stay focused while trying to do something to keep my mind occupied. My Docotr tried to get me on a new injections drug that has no side effects, unfortunately the application to the Government to have this new drug was not accepted at this time. I see the Doctor before my injection on Monday to discuss a plan B to resolve the side effect issue. According to the Doctor it is usually harder for new younger receivers of medication, that have a really hard time with the side effects. As you get older it is supposed to be easier to take the medications with less complications, unfortunately for me it seems to be in a bit of reverse. I am on the same drug and dosage that I was on years ago and I did not live through these torturing side effects. These side effects have hampered my life for two years now, it is like the Doctor said " its when the cure defeats it purpose" that some thing has to be done. I some times wonder due to the fact that I consumed alcohol a fair bit when I was on this medication last, if the beer acted like a side effect medication, would that be a laugh and a half. I will keep an up date what happens.

Monday, October 18, 2004

The Metaphysical Crow
This event goes back some twenty years now, all most the same time of year as now. I had resigned from my position on the oil rig that I was working on due to metaphysical forces at work around me influencing my life. It was ironic because when I resigned we were drilling the well Hibernia, which had previously hosted the then sunk Canadian rig Ocean Ranger. We were the first oil rig to go over the well head and carried on drilling. It was like we disturbed the grave or something and I was sensitive to it. When I resigned I went back to my apartment and it was like I brought back some thing from the grave with me. A couple of strange things happened at this time, but here goes my metaphysical crow story.
I was sitting in the living room of my apartment which had a small kitchen in the same room as the living room. The stairs came up at the back of the apartment with two rooms at the front facing the street. There were two doors in the living room which were facing me when I was sitting on my couch. I usually kept the junk room door closed. It was the door closest to me when I was sitting on the couch when a large crow seemed to fly out of the wall to the right of the closed door. As it flew in the room it first knocked my Coast Guard badge off my book shelve, then rattled off the stained glass lamps hanging from the ceiling before flying into the bedroom and perching on the curtain rod. With it perched in one spot I could see what had scared the shit out of me! The crow had a worm dangling from its beak, the whole affair was nerve rattling, I saw the black shape come out of the wall! I went to the window to the back of the apartment at the top of the stairs and watched the bird on curtain rod in my bed room as I open the back window for the crow. Just as I got the window open the crow swayed pass me in flight and out side to speard its wings in the open air. At the same time the neighbors from down stairs came to see what all the banging was, the crow made that much noise banging off the ceiling lamps. No one really believed my explanation I do not think, it lead me into further isolation before my first psychiatric hospitalization. I took this experience to mean something, an interpretation or something. I lead my self to believe that it was a metaphysical warning that some thing was out to ill fate Canada in a way that I could not explain. Here I was in the North Atlantic in St.John's Newfoundland during the cold war with metaphysical warnings of some kind. It still freaks me out thinking about it now.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Vision or hallucination Over Brother Andre's Crypt
This event is lost in time in my memory, I call it my searching years discovering my self with carrying the shizophrenia diagnoses. I believed it was 1990 or so I am not sure. I always found a closeness and peacefulness at the Oratoire St- Joeph Du Mont-Royal in Montreal Quebec. It was here a vision occurred on one particular day consisted of a fluttering angel with a wand fighting off this big ugly monsters hand. This illumination of forces above Brother Andre's crypt guiding me. It is funny how latter in life that I met up with Caroline and how she always seemed to be fighting the devil in her life, it has not been easy one for my little Lady to survive, it is like now I understand the vision more now than when I saw it. But even at this time I believed that there was some one special for me so that I would not have to search for true love for ever. I always amitted to my self that if there was anything to the psychic that it would make things very difficult at first in the relationship. At first people taround us felt that Caroline could do better than having the schizophrenic in her life. We battled through a lot during the start of the relationship, but eventual our love followed suit and we stuck out a lot of hard times while I was difining my self to Caroline as a shizophrenic/Shaman. Over all she is like a little fighting angel that deserves the world for what she had to persevere in life in general. In my heart I know I am with my soul mate taking on the big ugly monster's hand from society, fighting for my Shaman rights in a psychiatric world of science and the brain .

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Getting Out of the Red
My girl friend and I are making head way out of our poverty stricken state. I received my disability pension so I am able to provide for my family setting in some way. It has been a long time since I had any money in my pocket. It was tough for the three of us but we made it this far as I thrive to re-enter the work force. So I thought I would make this entry. The medication has been changed to the injection once a week in stead of every two, so that it peak in my body with the side effects is not too severe. It seem like with the build up of medication in my body I am feeling the side effects more. I have really gone through hell with the side effects the last couple of injections, hopefully I can get weened of them and get back on pills. For now I just have to wait and see.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Will I Get Early Parole On My Court Ordered Injections
As it turns out, I ended up in the hospital emergency, after my common law girl friend called Info Sante on the phone while I was under going severe muscle contractions. The peek of the injection lasted from Friday morning to Sunday evening,when she made the phone call it was recommended that I go to emergency. After treatment and the result of my visit, it was recommended that I get the court order lifted to rectify my situation. Here is part of the communique with my lawyer about my situation.
When I got out of hospital at the beginning of December 2002, I more or less slept the winter away from the medication levels in me. Waking up in spring I soon tried looking for work and got some temporary work in my trade which petered out as of December 2003. Since then my quality of life for my family has deteriated due to side effects of the medication. Sluggishness, blurred vision, stiffness in the joints and torturing muscle contractions which make it difficult to work. The hospital recommended for me to apply for disability pension which I did do and I am still waiting to be accepted. The application was made in March 2004 and I was due to receive benefits July 1st 2004, but I am still waiting due to a backlog of applications. In the mean time I have been supported by my common law girl friend with her now trying to hold down two jobs, to pay the the bills to not much avail. I was trying to get back into the work force but can only do my two hour a week cleaning due to the extreme side effects that are effecting my life at present.
Due to the nature of my family situation with my girlfriend and her daughter, can any thing be done to speed up the disability pension process so I do not drag my family down into poverty any further or much longer. It has been the curse of the court order that has hampered my life so that I could not help provide for my family setting.
A Doctor at the hospital spent time to get me an art grant from a pharmaceutical company, but I could not have it at the time due to having to take court ordered injections and unable to take pills. The court ordered injections happered me here too, thus maintaining poverty status. C'est la vie !!!!

Friday, September 17, 2004

My Old Fan
I had this old brass fan from about the 1920's, it had a black cast iron base with a motor that once oscillated , the unprotected brass fan blade was a weapon when running up to speed. I was given it by a friend I had met in 1987. I used to collect brass items and he thought that it would be a good addition to my collection, so he gave it to me. I repaired the on/off switch so the electrics could work, the oscillating gearing was missing parts and never got repaired from lack of money to get them made.
By the fall of 1987 I was not taking any medication, for I stopped taking the injections for the first time. I had lost my job as an apprentice electromechanic from my shaman antics coming back into my life. It was like I was haunted by past demons from when I was on the east coast of Canada at work in the off shore oil industry. It was early fall and I had turned on the fan more for having the amusement of it running, I had kept the fan blades polished so the brass blades reflected light. This one particular time though, I was standing in the living room watching the blades cutting the air in rotation. A whitish hase came to be in the center of the running blades, it took shape and illustrated its self into a head of a oriental man. Some how it was like we were watching each other for the time span while it was there in the running fan blades. After a small lenght of time the image dissolved in the same fashion that it appeared. The incident made me think of an old dream I had while living on the east coast of Canada. I had dreamt that I was standing smoking a joint with some one from the military of the then U.S.S.R. We were also commenting on the fact that we had better watch out for the oriental military force in China. I remember that on the morning I woke up from having the dream, it was on the radio news that an explosion had occurred at a military base in the Baltic region of the Soviet Union. I always seem to feel that it was like there was an unspoken of, parnormal war between nations fighting to have that ultimate metaphysical weapon. Perhaps it is due to the fact that I wore a Canadian uniform in the Coast Guard and always believed strongly that Canada should be a force to be reckoned with in international politics. This always played a theme in my shaman antics while finding my way through my apparitions/hallucinations.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

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Friday, September 03, 2004

Ghosts in my Rehabilitation
Being a blog and all, where the owner of the blog just writes and God knows I have a lot of material to write about, once again I choise to write about my rehabilitation years between 1986 &1990. After graduating from the Canadian Coast Guard College and coming home after serving in the Coast Guard Fleet and off shore oil, I came home to Montreal diagnosed with being a person with schizophrenia. I actually came back Christmas 1984, as a very angry man as to what transpired in my life on the coast post graduation from college. I will get to writting about what lead me into psychiatry but for now I am driven by a lot of things to get my story out to improve the system. Once again I am turning to my blog to be open about occurrences that transpired in my life that was very influential for me. Hence my two ghost stories are going to come to light in this session of writing.
The first time I saw a ghost it was in bedroom which was in the basement in my parents house. I had a comfortable room with walls of wood paneling with a small window above my bed which looked out into the car port. The wall opposite had a sliding door as the entrance to the room, with the bedroom closet next to the doorway. The closet door was a standard folding door for a closet, with a full length mirror on one half.. There was shelving on the wall next to the closet where my drafting board was situated in the room. I guess it was around midnight after the nightly news on television that I put out the light then settling into bed to lay on my side with my head propted up to have my last cigarette before going to sleep. Some where near the end of my smoke, through the dimness of the room I saw a white ghostly shape starting to come out of the mirror, it was fashioned like a hooded gown coming out three quarters up the the mirror, then curving up to slowly slither up through the ceiling in the corner of the room. It amused me to think that something like a guardian angel always watched over me and I always got to have experiences that made me different from my peers. I was left in a reflective mood putting out my cigarette and laying my head down to slowly fall off to sleep.
On the second occasion that I witnessed a ghost in my room, it happened before I was going off to sleep once again. I was having my last nightly smoke when I looked up from the ashtray and glanced to the middle off the the room, I witnessed a glowing soft white light of was the shape of a alien in a full length gown, he was just standing there on the floor looking at me lying on my bed. In what I tried as a telepathic prayer like communication with this sighting, I tried communicating with it . It was there infront of me when I finished my cigarette and layed my head down. I continued my meditative prayer to the alien ghost that it would watch over me and guide me in my life with my schizophrenia issues such as this. I soon fell off tinto a comfortable sleep and the ghostly image just watched over me until God knows when for I fell asleep.
I know the first time that I saw a ghostly image it was 1986, the second time that it it happened it would have been somewhere in those lost years off not doing much with my life waiting to go back to school on a government program. I never kept a diary or any thing at this point in my life. As I write my experiences I work from reflective memory which has been pretty good so far. I never discussed these ghostly visitations with the medical staff that over saw me at the time, for I was also on injections for medication at this time in my life as well and still witnessing things.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

From a Mind's Eye
Where do normal people see in the mind"s eye? I asked this question to my psychiatrist years ago and got no reponse other than that is an interesting thought. The reason I think about it, is because when I was young and growing up I recall thinking of this and found that for my self I saw things in my mind at what I would say was the back of my mind. Years later and having my diagnoses I find that I no longer see in the back of my mind, it is more like seeing things infront of me at a small distance away. Where do you the reader see things in your mind's eye? I know I am different with being able to see things that others can not, like shadows of different coloured lights. Along with seeing small flashes of light or light that can take shape and show me things in the aspect of apparitions or visions which the medical professionals that deal with me refer to my hallucinations. It is normal for me now to have these occurrences just like it is now normal for me to see the air that we breath. It is like I can see energy in the air. I know that I did not always see the air that we breath it slowly grew on me over the last twenty years taking medication. I can make some sense of things I go through that make me different from the majority of people but life is like a ball game, it is just that the ball is hard to grasp. Thus leaving my self with no answers for some things, which keeps me pondering about life and being human with my many strange occurrences that lead to my altered states of mind and hence my diagnoses of being a person with the schizophrenia.

Friday, August 13, 2004

Friday the 13th crow Story
Funny how this entry on the blog came to be, here we are on August the Friday the 13th, my birthday and I am writing my draft for my blog entry. I have just had my court ordered injection yesterday, the staff overseeing me at the Montreal General Hospital have taken an interest in my blog, at least I know I can be quoted correctly and not like my hospital file. Medical staff have portrayed my views out of context or I am incorrectly quoted by a nurse's or Doctor's memory while writing the file on me in psychiatry. I have read parts of my medical file! So you see I got a lot of things to crow about which leads me to my crow story that I have never told my medical overseers, but discussed with my family.
I was on an Auger bus from the terminus at the end of the the Montreal subway for Chateaguay, going home to my parents house in my rehabilitation years after coming home from the Coast. ( Lost time between 1987and 1990)On this particular bus journey from leaving the bus terminus, I noticed that three large crows were following the bus. I watched the crows from my window seat on the bus , their flight pattern followed the bus bus route so the birds were always in plain view from seat on the bus. They held a steady course, it was when the bus was crossing the Mercier Bridge that these big ugly crows that were following the bus route off my right side really haunted me. No matter what they kept pace with the bus off in the sky but close enough to haunt me at the size of the three of them. What steered the crows eyes my way? When my stop in Chateauguay came, I got off the bus wondering what would be with the crows now. Soon after I crossed the boulevard while walking up to my parents house , once again I noticed the off my left shoulder this time. They were a slow even pace flapping there wings with a mystic grace. Once I got into my parents house and greeted home, I looked out the living room window and there was the three big crows across the street sitting on the telephone wires. I did not know if I was hallucinating or what, when my father came into the living room and I asked him if he could see the birds on the telephone wires. My father said that he could indeed see the crows, it haunted me even more knowing that my father could see the crows that followed me home. I believe that I felt a dark force over me and I had a hard time coping between two worlds that in normal every day live, three big crows do not follow people home but that is how I saw it at the time.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Caroline has been a great source of inspiration
Since I has been with my true Lady Love Caroline, I have got more into doing my art and have been continuing writing, sometimes about her and our love. With the subject being a great source of inspiration, I have written off and on. Like wise I have been inspirational for Caroline and she has started her own blog to reach out, due to her own story of her life which was certainly not an easy road. I was inspired to write this poem in honour of the woman I love.
Canadian Angel Princess
Life is meant to be a wonderful dream
As you turn the pages of your life
Your dream weaving techniques harden
So you do not take to many broken dreams to your grave
Alas we do not loose the Canadian dream
For it is there within our grasps
Its just that personal broken dreams take away our liberties
At the roots of our great and mighty maple tree
But I know a Canadian Angel Princess who only had broken dreams
And then a childhood dream somehow came true
Of having a simple Hercules ring to protect her unknown liberties
Now she turns the pages of her life with her Hercules ring
It is not a simple ring just found any where
It was forged by the the foundation of the Canadian dream
To enforce the will of Canadian liberties and such
To transport an Angel Princess to her dream weaving maple tree
She chooses to call it her Hercules ring
It is one of many found in the greatest maple tree
So Canadian dreams will not all be broken
This Angel Princess now knows solid gold through her Hercules Ring
Here is the link to Caroline's blog Good reading and welcome to her nightmare!

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Park Meeting lead to mystical Vow

The summer before my last year of high school, I used to come into the city from the south shore to work at one day jobs at an agency. It was late in the summer and I was hanging around Atwater park in Montreal after work, when I noticed a young woman talking to some men from the park whom I knew vaguely. I wanted to cross the park and talk to her, I was nervous about doing it and my palms became sweaty thinking of going over to the other side of the park to join the group in conversation. Eventual I got up the self esteem to walk over to the other side of the park and I came up to the young woman and the men on the bench and said hello. I finally started talking to the woman who said her name was Caroline and in time I asked her if she wanted to smoke some hash. She said she would like to and we went off to find a place to smoke. Our walking led us to an out of the way maple tree that was on a large front lawn of a building. We sat our selfs down by the tree and were talking while I rolled the splee of hash. Caroline only smoked half the splee with me and I finished the smoke my self. After smoking I took out my note pad and said I was going to write a poem for my new friend. I wrote the poem and read it to her before giving it to her. I did not sign the poem because our conversation had lead to mysticism and how I would find her after my schooling, for I was due to go to the Canadian Coast Guard College after high school. She would be able to trace me if I signed the poem so I gave it to her unsigned. We then went for a tour du ville around her neck of the city before we parted in front of the Montreal Forum as I went for my bus to get back home on the south shore. On leaving each other we vowed that if there was any thing to the mysticism we had talked about, we would find each other again after my schooling.
Well we completed that mystical vow in 1998, on Valentines Day that year, we more or less have been a couple since. In conservation we both have the memory of the get together in Atwater park, it is like we dreamed the impossible dream in a mystical vow and it came and forfilled its self on its own. It was a long forgotten thing for both of us, but the memory is there like yesterday for both of us.

Monday, July 05, 2004

Some time in early high school I tried to turn my hand to writing something creative for the first time, I had flopped my self on my bed with pen and paper in hand. I remember gazing off into my room then feeling a strange presence, it was as if this feeling I had of my hand being guided to write, following is what I wrote:

He has sailed many seas
And I always sail with him
His ship is so huge
But no room for crew
For he will be laughed at
But he holds the helm of the Answer
And I will always sail with him

I believed in what I wrote and the inspirational energy that gave me the words, it carried me through a lot of bad times when I entered the mental health system. I ended up painting a schooner and putting my art work with this deserving creative words. Even to today I am left thinking about what I wrote and the way that it still carries me through some aspects of my life, like there was a guardian angel of some sort watching over me some times.I believed in this thought because of the presence I felt in the room at the time, leading me to believe in more than just the physical that we know.
The painting that was done to go with the words can be seen on the web site in the OUT THERE Magazine under my pen name Doctor Goober Modesty.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Injected Torture With Court Ordered Injections

Every two weeks I go for an injection, if I do not go voluntarily, police will be used to make sure I have my injection. Even with trying to negotiate the dosage so that I can escape the unpleasant side effects, falls to no where. Since I am suffering muscle contractions to much for my liking, there is to be no change in medication levels. The Court order is the Court order. My mouth now starts moving now as a side effect and I feel awkward being in this state, I have a prescription for side effect pills which do not seem to help much, they also have an side effect of causing blurred vision. When ever the injection peaks in my body, I get the most side effects with contracting muscles around the stomach and rear end. The love of my life hates seeing me in this state, with not much we can do about it. When I was young and on the same medication I did not have all these side effects, I guess it is harder to take as you get order.

The contractions interrupt me from focusing on what I am doing, when a contraction starts it can pull muscles taunt on my left side of my body and holding for a couple of seconds. Until I gain my composer again, it is demoralizing and leads me into slight mood swings. I have lost heart in doing things since riding out the two year sentence on injections. Five months to go and then what happens? Will the medical staff ruling my life trust me with pills again? I always consumed less than what I was prescribed and was leading my life trying to be a working man. Drinking beer and partying to socialize got me a long way. When I stood up to defend part of my educational background the mental health issue was used against me, which lead to multiple hospitalizations, hence the court order came about. My girl friend and I are left picking up the pieces on a welfare budget of her income.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Twenty Years This Year As A Mental Health Consumer

Normally accumulation of years are celebrated some how, but there is nothing to be proud of and no celebration. As it comes to pass I am nearing the end of court ordered injections, it has been a very argry time for me, as time came to pass I slowly mellowed out. A reflection of my anger is found in these creative piece I wrote after my injections. I had gone for coffee to write the feelings of resentment for my situation.

The Political Asylum

Over taken with the burden of the "schizo"
Every graduation through society's system
Reels me back a notch or two in survival
Its not my mind that rots my life as a "schizo"
Its how the system is designed for us not to survive
What is there to boost about the system
That processed me with the burden of the "schizo"

Over taken by the metaphysical, hence "schizo"
Changing in graduations through my psychological system
Taking back a notch or two in survival
Its not the metaphysical that rots my life,its the label "schizo"
The strive to design a system to better survival
Is where I have to boost about my system
To process the Political Asylum as not to be "schizo"

Mystic Prison

Caught up in the demolition of my sacred soul
The Courts rule the injected poison
Smothering my inner desires to be free
Of my dillusional medical over seer
Who is caught up in his own dogma of thought

My past is held against my intellect
The present brings conflicting idealogies
Which makes the future not so quite mine
Mordern science has put the mystic in prison
The psychiatric rule of thumb is up their ass

The power of ones mind is a delicate issue
It can self destruct the body of being
Then again it equates the justice of freedom
Finding balance throught the knowledge of the years
Which is disregarded with an injectable cure

The middle ground for survival is torment
Living out court orders is not a cure
It robs one of intellectual integrity
Dillusional at what may I ask
Being a mystic at heart and lived it

With the court order on me while looking for work, it is public knowledge through the Court House and comes out on back ground checks, which happens more often since 9/11 according to the RCMP. The only black mark on my record and now the Court House has it, twenty years after. (Note: Dec 19th 2007, I past in the court house for two smoking infractions and having a knife on me that was too big by Municiple Law over the years, things I forgot about while medicated and writing this post)I am still looking for work, to add to some building cleaning that I do once a week, while supported by my girl friend of common law. In the mean time I will just keep blogging and developing my art and learning to play music while looking for work.

Monday, May 31, 2004

Spooky Movie Drew Out Creative Senses

It was the latter years of high school when the movie "The Omen" came to the high school auditorium one weekend. We always had a movie at the school on the weekend to give us a place to go and support school clubs. Like most weekends I went to the movie when they showed "The Omen". It made for a good thriller and some how it really spooked my adolescent mind like it was supposed to do. The evening pasted more or less uneventful other than eating after the movie and then watching hockey in the arena.

The spooky feeling I felt after viewing the movie stayed with me the following morning, I felt withdrawn and turned to my wood carving with a drive to create something soothing.I took a small piece of carving wood and just started cutting away not knowing what I was going to make. Within time a shape of a hand formed and when I saw it for my self I started to work the wood around the shape that had formed. I ended up making my self a small trinket to wear around my neck, it was a small hand with a triangle frame above the wrist to hold it on a chain. Later in the year while sitting in a hallway at school, a teacher came up to me asking where I got the hand that I was wearing around my neck. It was a personal thing with my self making it, I responded with a chippy remark, "What's it to you ?" The well traveled teacher then asked me if I knew what it meant. I told the teacher that I did not know its meaning, he replied by telling me it was a symbol to ward off evil. It left me in awe knowing that I had made the carving the morning after "The Omen" with the spooky feeling the movie left me with.

The experience at the time was an eye opener of smugness knowing I carved a symbol to ward off evil after being spooked by a movie about a devil child. The early mystic was coming out of me. It was not until my experiences in early twenties that lead me into psychiatry did I put much credence to it. A teenage creation that carried me through the schizophrenia issue feeling that I was different than the others inflicted with the diagnoses.
Ghost Stories Fed My Mind at an Early Age

When I first entered the high school after elementary school, I spent a good amount of time in grades seven and eight reading ghost stories from the school library. What ever literature I could get my hands on related to the paranormal, I read. From stories of the Flying Dutchman to the Bermuda Triangle I searched them out. When I read what the library had to offer I turned to the scholastic book club to feed my inquisitive mind on the subject.

Later in my early twenties when I experienced certain phenomena related to my apparitions/hallucinations, I found that my choice of reading material was not in vain. The material I had read helped me cope and deal in my mind for a while. Not understanding very much about the metaphysical at this time, I slowly drew away from my limited pear structure, from lack of any open conversation related to the subject that would help me understand my experiences. My situation did in effect deteriorate and I ended up entering psychiatry for the first time. When I spoke my mind about the ghostly subject matter of the metaphysical, I was deemed psychotic and needed treatment for schizophrenia. At this early stage as a young adult in psychiatry I found that the medical personal treating me gave me no counseling in relation to my state of mind. I spoke, they listened and administered what they felt as appropriate drug treatment. I ended up a walking zombie clinging on to fractured sanity over my paranormal type experiences, just like I had read about in high school. It took me three years to rebuild my life where I held down a job while medicated, and not so much a walking zombie.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Shaman Child or Early Schizophrenia

It was the mid seventies when I was a teenager, growing up in the suburbs of Montreal. On one particular summer day I was knocking around with two school buddies when we decided to go over to one of their homes to smoke some marijuana we had, like we did to pass the time. My buddy's mother was well traveled and had ordiments from around the world. Brass trinkets were abundant in the apartment, and it made for a comfortable setting. Within time of arriving at the apartment we were seated at the card table in the living room and the other buddy was rolling a joint and we willinglg commenced smoking together. The joint soon became a roach and we sat at the table musing to our selves.
I started to feel uncomfortable with an elevated body temperature, within a bit I felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach. I raised from my chair at the table and my head cocked back where I vomited a purple flame out of my mouth which retracted back down my throat with the same force that brought it out. My two buddies were held in awe and were calling me a freak, I told them I did not feel good as I proceeded walking to the bathroom. Once in the bathroom I layout my over heated body down on the cool ceramic tiles of the floor where I passed out for a while.
In time I got up and returned to my friends at the table and nothing much more was said about the matter which I experienced.
It was not until later in life when I went through other experiences did I put much relevance to the matter that occurred in the apartment that day. For my two buddies did not talk to me about the incident they witnessed with me, I guess they had there time to talk about it while I was past out on the bathroom floor. One psychiatrist that treated me said that I had a bleeding ulcer at the time and the coagulated blood made it go back down my throat, when I told him about the event. To me it was just a lame excuse not to accept the paranormal and just treat me like a person with schizophrenia.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Trying to relate the schizophrenia issue is very perplex, every individual that is given the diagnoses from experiencing their own apparitions/hallucinations, see things in their own way. What I found was, how many coincidences are you allowed before things become more of a pattern. From my own character acts, to the pattern of my second sight for apparitions/hallucinations as I call it.
The medication never really stopped me seeing things that others could not, I witnessed many a strange occurrence on or off medication. Then again my cat seemed to acknowledge something I saw by turning and looking in the direction of a glowing soft blue light in mid air that I was witnessing.
I have had what a psychiatrist calls a mass hallucination (Where more than one person witnesses something) on several occasions. It is like I am a self created magnet for a subject matter that is hard for people to relate to. This subject matter can turn you eccentric, this is where a schizophrenia diagnoses comes in when an individual turns too eccentric. The trick of it all is keeping the Shaman eccentricity to a mediocre complacency as not to create bad vibes around the people one socializes and works with. Apparitions/hallucinations can be used positively through the creative arts and hobbies. Keeping your mind in a healthy learning state and flexing the muscle that it is, leads one to learning the positive aspects of the schizophrenia issue.

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Medication is only a small part of dealing with schizophrenia. I always found that it was only just drug therapy applied to me, which at times happered me useless. During these times. My mind had to force its self to work and simple tasks like reading became difficult because I could not focus on doing any thing but pacing the floor. With lower medication levels which I always insisted on, it allowed me to do more things and have the motivation to keep busy distracting me from thinking about the apparitions/hallucinations that got me in psychiatry in the first place.
I learned that time gave me meaning to the phenomena that lingered over my shoulder and let me find answers in my own way. Thus building a relationship with the other side that I witnessed. It took hard learned experience on how to grow as an individual with the schizophenia issue. I had to balance my beliefs around the matter of being systematically given the diagnoses when I spoke to a Doctor about my mystical feelings after she asked me to tell her about my self. I realize I may have come across a bit eccentric, but with hospitalization it was drug therapy and I was treated as dillusional. The hospital staff never really spent time with me, medication time was the only time you saw a nurse.
I found answers by talking to people through socializing in bars, I should have got answers about being a bit of a mystic with an ability to see the other side from the people treating me for schizophrenia. Over years, I found my own balance of beliefs revolving around prayer and shamanizm as a way to personally accept living life with being a person with schizophrenia. It is alright to pray to God, just do not witness one of his tools or instruments and speak about it as I did. Then again you can hardly keep mulling over an paranormal type experience over in your mind by your self, it cracks you up just the same.
I found conversation about the apparition/hallucination subject matter I had to deal with, helped me more than drug therapy. At present the drug therapy which is applied to me does not stop me from seeing what I call the "Seven Colours of Creation". It is a powerful thing trying to follow small spots of coloured lights on the neck of a guitar to try and come up with a melody. An example of using the ability of "Second Sight" positively as I do, which is never taught but learned the hard way.
Support from family and friends is important so that conservations about apparitions/hallucinations are stimulated in a positive direction, to help the person with schizophrenia reason out what he witnessed from the other side and what the phenomena is for. It makes for great debates which could lead the positive growth of the person learning to live between two worlds with a schizophrenia issue like apparitions/hallucinations.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Here are some questions that I have no one to put to, so they are going in my Blog. Why is it that I am always getting attacked by a BackDoor/Subseven Trojan Horse while on the internet? I am getting a unwanted tour of the world while doing constant traces on these hackers. How normal is this? Why has someone being trying to fly swat me? What in heaven's name could I possibly have done?
To reach me or comment about my blog feel free to influence me at chase a fly with prayer plan in hand and you might get Shamanized
Schizophrenia is not just a mental illness, it can prove to be a creativity enhancing ability that is useful. The apparitions/hallucinations of the auditory, visual, or olfactory nature have relevance to the individual like a shaman. The individual that experiences these phenominias are too easily medicated by the medical establishment instead of putting the apparitions /hallucinations to good work.
I was too easily medicated at first, in my entrance into the medical system, and too systematically diagnosed as a person with schizophrenia. Grant you some of the things I have witnessed in the form of apparitions/hallucinations lead me into an eccentric state of mind, it took time learning how to relate to the phenomena that I was prone to witnessing and it took time to adapt my life and thinking process accordingly. Grateful to have a strong science and engineering back ground, I put together ideologies about the subject matter I had to deal with the schizophrenia issue attached to me. Now this Blog is being used to reveal some twenty years of issues and developed ideologies I had to contend with in the hope of helping others that do not always get the proper insight into the schizophrenia issue.

Monday, March 22, 2004

An introduction to my situation with my schizophrenia can be found in my art show at in the "Out There" Magazine on the web page, found under the art section, with me using my pen name Doctor Goober Modesty.