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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Here I Am On The Last Day Of August, Still Going Through Bad Bouts Of Extra Paramidal Side Effects, And I Have Never Felt So Alone

putting words together.......I do not know what to make of my life, being alone with the EPSE, the Nurse at the hospital did call me this morning, I had to explain everything all over again and she is going to try and find a back up Doctor to deal with me. They will not take me off the Court Ordered injections and all I do is suffer at the hands of the Courts and Psychiatrists. I should never had contacted the media personality that got me arrested and I would not in this fix, all I wanted was some help exposing my art carreer. Like my Lawyer said when I got arrested, "She wants nothing to do with you", so I am left hanging high and dry being told I hallucinated all the plugs she made during the time period I set her art and explained some art ideas to her via email or Canada Post. A person from her program called me and told me to forget about her she is married and he was suppose to contact my Nurse then I got arrested the very same evening after leaving a phone message for her, I wanted to straighten out if I was hallucinating the TV or not. It is not that easy forgetting the whole thing! I feel so alone and broken hearted with the EPSE getting the better of me. I have lost too much weight with being in the situation I am in and constantly fight depression. The couple of people I do know are at work and Mum is out at her Church activity and I have no one to spend my disability pension pay day with. So I turned to my blog like I always did, I hold my head alot and cry in fustration over the ESPE as I am holed up in my apartment....taking a break from writing.....the image for this posting is just another piece of unsold art done for an expo/sale at the hospital. I remember when it was not long after a Concordia McGill University hockey game I went to, when the hockey puck bounced off the ice and hit the bench between my legs almost taking out my balls, then PM Harper when giving a hockey puck with the National Emblame on it to someone entering the Hockey hall of fame, and he said, "I wish that hockey puck did do in Doctor Goober Modesty's balls", well Prime Minister now I am done in and a total burden to the State, your wish was forfilled! Oh Harper, people acted out your wishes that my balls were done in, a Psychiatrist says I am delusional about political interferance, I think Montreal West Island would agree your comments were political interferance to do me in an destroy a small business man as in me. The credit card reciept, who ever owns it, left it in my apartment forfilling the Prime Minister's wishes during an illegal entrance into my apart, during the date of purchase I was behind locked doors at the Montreal Allan, nobody will do any thing about this issue, so too bad you forgot your credit card reciept at my desk in amoung my company reciepts, wanting to be me I guess, what? I bet none of my shit is at your desk illegally. I was taking medication at the time when the Prime Minister made his comment and still told I hallucinated my fucken shit I hallucinated everything about me in the media, apparently the word of powerful people is I hallucinated this hockey puck situation too. Funny how my schizophrenia worked around visual religious type apparitions/hallucinations, and people expanded my hallucinations around radio and TV.....just dazied and confused about being done in around my schizophrenic issues. I really fell in love in a certain way to the woman that got me arrested when she was my natural hallucingenic putting in plugs for me, I do want to talk to you about it all, I did a lot of art around you!!!! Other media comments about me by personalities have been made, one day I will get to talk someone about what went on proir to my arrest. I was even forced to admit I hallucinate TV around the woman that got me arrested at the Tribunal to get out of hospital.....rumours still float about me around Montreal when I am out and about because of all this. Like my Parole Offier while going through the Courts said, I should never have been arrested. The Court Psychologist said that I have above average intelligence, so I am sitting on something! But I am damaged goods, I still reacted the wrong way when I got a phone call dealing with an up coming event because of the arrest.I close this post and am going to work on a post regarding what I did in music therapy working with somone on music,we wrote and played together proforming to other group members.

Friday, August 27, 2010

I Have Had A Bad Bout Of Extra Paramidal Side Effects For Two Days Now
Here I am with no place to turn as I suffer bad bouts of EPSE. I am left alone with my involunteery muscle contracts, go figure my Doctor is on vacation when I need him. It is like a Psychiatrist said to me along time ago, it is par for the course. The cock tease into harassment charges really did me in with the Court ordered injections. My Lawyer can not even do anything about it....thinking. It is hard to do anything around the apartment with the EPSE strickening me the way they are, I can not even be there for my 81 year old Mother like I should be. It is even hard to cook a meal for my self. All anyone at the hospital can say is I hallucinated the whole thing on my TV set, which I can not accept.....thinking some more. I wish I had someone to turn to, it is like with the whole world population and I have no one, it makes my little hell hole a real hell. It is like why did I want to be an Artist and turn to a media personality to correspond with to help over come slander I went through standing up for the Canadian National Building Code, where ever I went to earn a bill I always got done in, it is like a Police Officer said to me, "There is no justice!". I even wrote to the media personality to ask if I was hallucinating her or not and she got me done in, now I do not know want to believe at times between my TV and radio, and I feel totally unwanted because of the lies society told me like the poem I wrote a long time ago. Why can I not just get some straight answers about things, instead I live in a life of too many questions with no does anyone really care about the truth, I guess not!!! Here it is day three with really bad EPSE, I do not know what to do, I am left alone with it all. I need someone to turn to, and I do not know where to go. I ended up calling my ex girl friend and she came in to see me, we got a cold coffee and then drive to the water front along the river to sit and talk. She knows how it can get me with the EPSE.She is going to come see me and possible take my tools to give to the tradesmen in her family. The EPSE stopped while I was at the river with her.I came home after to catch up on some cleaningthat had not been done with all the bad bouts of EPSE these passes few days, it is Sunday to day.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Have Not Got A Whole Lot To Write About, Just Trying To Find Some Words

My life has been rather boring and I have not got a whole lot to write. I still attend the hospital music group and spend most of my time by my self. The extra paramidal side effects still hamper my life some what after I get my injection and they taper off before I get my next injection. Hema Quebec called me again to give blood and I booked an appointment with their mobile unit at a mall in my community. I just came back from the pharmacy getting a print out of the medication I take for the Nurse at Hema Quebec while going through the registration process. So I got something to do next week besides my music group and that will be the forth time that I give blood. I never gave blood when I was younger because I thought you could not when taking medication, the medication just has to be varified by Hema Quebec.My Mother is good at helping me out with things I need for day to day living, including helping me out with food. It kind of hurts how I was burfen to my folks ever since I got diagnosed with schizophrenia. They have always given with their help to assist me one way or another. I just find it lonely spending most of the time by myself, I wish I could expand my social status like having someone to do my music with. With regards to that other person's credit card recipe I found in my apartment through being left behind during an illegal entrace when I was in hospital, I gave a copy to my Social Worker for her to help me find a Lawyer so I can take the person to Court. I also got the paper work off my Social Worker to apply for subsidized housing with the Government, I still got to find a way to get rid of my tools since I don't think I will be going back to work with them, and they take up too much room in my apartment. I have no contacts to sell them, I guess eventually something will come up to get rid of them. I am constantly throughing stuff out trying to down size what I have in my apartment, a lot of stuff I do not need or use any more, I have a lot of old paper work I could get rid of too, but that will take time to sort through. I have a piece of art sketched on a canvas through inspiration from the media personality that got me arrested for harrassment. In a way I do not want to do the art with trowel work and in a way I still want to do it, it is just that I am still confused over the arrest because I felt I was led on a bit and did not hallucinate the radio and TV. I am left with no answers just confused and not knowing what to believe. I guess at times their are no answers and I am left hanging high and dry with not knowing what to believe. If the media personality had not lied about her wedding band in the very beginning during a broadcast, she said it meant nothing when she is married, I would never have contacted her and tried to charm her,hence never been arrested! I always seemed to get done in no matter what I took upon myself.I shed many a tear like a water fall over getting arrested for I always tried to stay on the right side of the law, it is still hard to handle at times.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

It Was My Birthday On Friday August 13th 2010, I Got The Camera Up The Butt In Colonoscopy And Spend Time With My Mother As I Turned The Big 50
The image is the birthday card my Mother gave, it is from Sentimental Studios, Toronto Canada, the words inside the card are really something special, Mum always touches my heart in special ways. For the start of my birthday, I was up early to make to the hospital for my 8:30 appointment at the hospital to get screaned again in colonoscopy, it was pretty well nothing to eat or drink for 24hours and drinking a solution to clean out my intestinal track and all before the exam. As it turned out I did not even have a pallup this time around, never mind worrying if my pallups were precancerous again. So as it turns out I am not due in colonoscopy again for two years. I was suppose to have an escort home after the exam but I have no one really to turn to. They have strick rules now for post exam now so the Doctor got a Social worker to get me a taxi voucher to get me home after I complained I could not afford the $25 taxi ride on my welfare budget, The hospital staff would not let me go home by the Montreal tranport system with my buspass by my self due to risk of possible fainting like others. After I got home I ate two grilled cheese sandwickes then headed over to see my Mother. We met at the mall where she bought some new jeans for me for my birthday. Funny how Mum went through her labour pains to bring me into this world, always had to pop a bill over the years for this and that to help me through my adult life of poverty, and now she is talking about taking out a prearranged funeral arrangement for me along with a proper will before she passes away in old age for she turns 81 this year. It is like I have to will my stuff to the city dump site, their is no off spring to will it to. I do not know what I will do when old age catches up on my Mum, she is the only person I have to really talk to, my brother is always so busy with his wife, child and work. I end up fantasing about a carreer woman falling in love with me for some stupid reason and having the oppitunity to be a artist house husband as her tax right off somehow. It is like all the good woman are happily married with man and family and I am always alone all the time except when I go to see my Mother or hospital program for something to do. I spent most of my adult life alone wishing to have a Lady at my side, then I ended up getting arrested for harrassment trying to charm an established carreer woman in the media and then have to go through Court Ordered injections all over again as I grow old alone. I miss trying to charm a Lady. This apartment was suppose to be a new start and beginning, now I am really lonely, fustrated and pissed off what life dished me out. I do not have any room to do any more art for I have no place to put it and can not sell any. Funny how much deep thinking one can do pre turning 50, and I still look young for my age with no hope of getting out of poverty. A Nurse at the hospital always said I was good looking but it got me no where with a real lady. It is in me to die of a heart attack after Mum passes away because I could not tolerate being totally alone with no one to phone every day or never hear my phone ring again, I am not going down with cancer that easily with having no precancer pallups this time around in colonoscopy. I got to think a bit in my lonely fustration, my parents were landed immigrants to this country and I have no else to turn to after Mum passes away, she keeps reminding me she is getting older and will not always be there for me. Ironically, Hema-Quebec called me, they need my blood again. There is a local blood drive here in the mall in my community, it is like take it all and let me die giving blood. Humans are social animals, and when a human has no other humans to socialize with, life loses it meaning!!!! I do not have the guts to take my own life, but just want to die a lot of the time with having no other human to really spend time with, loneliness and poverty is strange company, I even got in trouble while going to University trying to reach out and communicate with fellow students to over come being alone all the time, it why I feel unwanted most of the time. There is no money to go to school anymore, it did give me some meaning as a social being. In one way it is strange how I do not need the likes of viagra yet at my age and the Court Ordered injection medication has the tendancy to dampen sexual drive, I still get to jurk myself to sleep every now and again fantasing about banging bone with a real lady love. .....will write some more later.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Just Getting The Extra Paramidal Effects Under Control With My New Psychiatrist
So Here I be Fighting off extra paramidal Effects off and was not doing too good around the apartment. Trying to figure out what to do with all my tools, getting resty piping cleaned up by the Landlored through getting the bathroom faucet changed/repaired. The Doctor reduced my medication and made the injection for a longer time period, so I am proned to do more around the apartment instead of laying down and closing my eyes to make the EPSE go away. My place needs totally cleaned still from being closed up for four months while I was in hospital and I got too much stuff for this size of apartment, I need a locker for my tools ans other containers that I do not need in my apartment right now, and I did build up paper work with art and school at the University.I did not even get to do my taxes with being in hospital. Here I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life again after the state and Psychiatrists took control at the Tribunal back in January. I am starting to play guitar again at home in the evening and here I am writing my blog about it now. I have repaired some clay pieces of art the broke, they where unfired so easy to repair with water and a bit of fixing.I got to start eating better tooo, I have not been keeping a decent diet due to depression accompioning the ESPE......till LATER