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Friday, December 24, 2010

To All The Lonely & Isolated
At Christmas Like
Me, All The Best And May We
Find The Spirit Of
Christmas Together From A Far!
All the best From
Doctor Goober Mickeal Modesty

Friday, December 17, 2010

My Train Bridge In The Horizon That Leads To No Where Has Got To Come To An End
I have gone through a fair bit recently and have had a chance to reflect. Since I have joined Facebook and Twitter much has come to hand. I prefer Twitter to Facebook, in Twitter I get to comment about the News and issues that come to pass on the radio. Out of this I have ended up condemming the present Government of Canada with their hate rhectoric towards me. Let me make it perfectly clear on my blog, I am prone to having visual religious apparitions or seeing a ghost and not having auditory hallucinations. Schizophrenia with visual hallucinations as Psychiatrists say, is the rarest form of schizophrenia, the most common being having auditory hallucinations. After making this statement I feel fully empowered in saying that certain Politicians and Psychiatrists that state that I hallucinate my TV and radio are full of crap and should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law for lying to the media as in Politicians and my Psychiatrist should be submitted to a review by the College of Physicians and a malpractice law suit be awarded to me. Why is it that I can comment about news stories correctly in Twitter, but if I comment about what a Politician says about me, I am hallucinating my TV set when the Politician speaks? As it stands right now the present Government of Canada is intent on giving me a lobotomy as stated by the Environment Minister during a News broadcast. The Prime Minister of Canada once stated that he wished that a hockey puck did do in my balls. I was at a University hockey game and the puck flipped off the ice hitting the bench between my legs. The Conservative Politician Stockwell Day once stated on a News clip that if I masterbate I will get my balls done in. Through certain communication with a radio personality,(you can make my skin crawl fighting for me and my story Ms H) she states that if she communicates with me she will be arrested due to Government of Canada restraints. This is in effect industrial sabotage of my company where I can not sell art or meet people to make protential sales. Other media personalities have made reference to me or my Internet work over time and stood by me against my plight with the Conservative Government of Canada. Seeminly they are in the same boat, they can not contact me for they are being threatened by said Government. Apparently this is why the sweet heart that got me arrested had to do it, it way a way of getting me to back of the TV Station when she was putting in plugs for me as she still does.Something like that. As she stated her self on the News, if she contacts me she is risking everything, just like the radio personality. This has been going on for five years now and all concerned have been through the ringer for it, especially me. With my limited income my aging Mother has to pass me food, feed me her self at her place and always foot the bill for a meal when we go out shopping together and Mum wants a break from cooking. I am also in dept over this affair with the Conservative Government doing me in and surpressing me and my talent so I can not make financial gain out of it. Like radio personalities say, I am well written on my blog and media interviews with me are of interest to them, but they are not allowed to contact me for this due to the Harper dictatorship in the present Government of Canada that is out to do me in. I remember way back when, as I stood up for the Canadian National Building Code as an Engineering Technician against gyprock over old plaster installations the radio station that I listen to wanted to interview me but where not allowed to as they stated. Now enough is enough, the Harper Conservatives are doing themselves in trying to do me in and like a welfare agent said, what it has cost the Quebec Government alone with this Federal Government insistance on suppressing me from earning a decent living and getting the proper media attention that I am due as an Internet artist writer. As in Twitter, I have called upon the media to get a media scrum interview to defend myself against the Harper's Government need to give me a lobotomy as the Environment Minister stated on the CTV National News during the announcement of the marine conservation park in Lacaster Sound in Canada's North. I am fed up, my Mother is fed up, my welfare agent is fed up and so should all Canadians be with the Harper Government that surpresses me for unknown reasons other than Nazi type bigotry against me a person with schizophrenia.
Never mind what I could write what I caught in the media with what American Politicians have said about me.
(I got a list of female media personalities that fought for me and my story, I love you all dearly)
(Oh, I have been reminded to thank all the male media personalities that have put in plugs for me and my plight, one day I will buy the keg of beer to treat you all)
{grains of sands will fall in the hour glass of time as vengence comes out in the Courts of God for those that messed with my life, little humour about stupidityand me}

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Been Through A Bit Of A Healing Process With The Way I Take My Pills
The crazy life of having to take psychiatric medication is unreal. When the Doctor started me on the Court ordered injections, I started to lose my morning erection, then after being discharged from the hospital I started to have further erectile disfunction along with a loss of an orgasm. I was really pissed off, partly thinking it had to do with my age due to turning fifty this year but then I found out it had to do with the medication its self from a researcher. Fortunitly I was put on the pills again due to the Extra Paramidal Side Effects, which I have had none of on the pills. Shortly after being on the pills again I started getting my full morning erection back, and from jerking myself back to sleep this morning to a fantasy woman, I discovered that I am getting my orgasm back, and thank God and the powers of the planet for that. The first eight years of my psychiatric treatment I was on various forms of intermusclur injections that took away my orgasm. I ended up living with it, and even used to masterbate for research to over come this situation. I was taking a pill at night for this research and filling out paper work if it improved my orgasm or not. By the end of it the research did not help any but after a while I was put on cheep pills that I could afford while working. I could not afford to pay the price of the injection with the low wage I was earning. I took the cheaper pills for years until I got the Extra Paramidal Side Effects from them, which I was hospitalized for. Ended up in more research taking another pill in a comparison study to the injectable form of the same medication. The Doctor insisted at the time that I took the injectable form which I finally submitted to. Then I had sexual disfunction all over again on the injections. I ended up getting drunk over it then leaving nasty comments into the Doctor's research voice mail. I was immediately taken off the injections and put back on the pills. The antipsychotic injections never did agree with me due it the inherent sexual disfunction or lack of orgasm/erectile disfunction to taking away my spermand not being able to come leading to fustration. As of this morning jerking myself back to sleep again, I consider myself a fully operational male that just needs a woman, hopefully one that will help me get out of poverty. So now everyone knows that medication can cause erectile disfunction in males leading them to consume the likes of viagra to perform with their wives. So do consult your Doctor about erectile disfunction and the medication you take and one might save on the viagra bill and satisfy their wives better sexually.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Just Bridge Spanning My Thoughts With Not Having A Whole Lot To Write About
So here I sit plugging away around my apartment not doing a whole lot. It is hard to do things with my limited income on my disability pension. I do find ways to occupy myself with the goods and chatle that I have. I have not being doing a whole lot of art, it has kind of stock piled around my around my apartment and I have not been able to sell any of it. I do play my guitar, but then again it seems like I do not practice enough with the time that I have on my hands. I have started to eat better, but even that can get difficult during the last legs of the month on my limited income. The price of food has become outragous, about everything one picks up it costs big time. Last time I went shopping to stock up on food, it cost me $68, and now the food is getting low again with no money left until I get my pension cheque the last day of the month. I do still attend the art group at the hospital and the music therapy sessions, it is about the only things that gets me out of my apartment besides going to see my Mother to help her out. I do not know what it would be like without my radio and TV. As a bit of a news buff, I bounce around the all news stations a fair bit. I even quit enjoy listening to the news with my radio music playing in the background. It is absolutely crazy all that is in the news theses days, what now we have aggression by North Korea against the Southern half. Then we have all these corruption allegations in Canadian politics with government renovation cantracts, along with the pass of the envolope allegations in Quebec politics. At least the police are being kept busy investigating it all, like the haven't got better things to do. One thing that I find about Canadian news is that they always try to fit in a happy storey or or do a segment on someone that trys to do something positive for society on the whole. I still spend too much time by myself, but when one has no money to get out and around to do things or go to school, it is hard to meet people. I am trying to make a little extra money by selling Christmas cards around the hospital, but trying to compete with China is hard to do even for a small business person like myself. Even although I am not in school studying theology or religious studies, I do maintain my little prayer sessions on a regular routine. It is funny how the Lord speaks in mysterious ways, I am just gracious for small mercies. Such as having a semi decent apartment that is personalized with my art collection.
One good thing about being subsidized by the Provincial Government of Quebec, I got my dental work done at the hospital. My dental records at the hospital go way back when I had no insurance. This time around I had $1700 worth of work done. Can the dentist bill ever be cranked fast. It is like I had so little work done. A couple of extractions for teeth that could not be saved along with two fillings. I will also be getting a new partial plate in the new year. Due to medication I had to take as a baby, my teeth never grew in right in the first place. The student Dentist was such a sweet heart, and really something special while treating me. My over all dental bill for being 50 years old is not all that bad, but my teeth are not the best. Then it is time for me to give blood again to Hema-Quebec, our local blood bank. Like I wrote before it is possible to give blood while taking medication. I just get a print out from the pharmacy on what my present medications are and give it to the Nurse when I am registering to give blood. It will be my 5th time giving blood, and to think all those years I could have given blood and I thought that I could not because I took medication most of my adult life for my schizophrenic issues. The one thing that is really good about me giving blood is that it can be given to any (+) person for I am the "O" blood type. Thus it is really important to me to give blood as a life saver for a multitude of people in our hospital system. Ironically, the number of people that actually give blood that can is so little as to the population averages.
Well I have written a fair bit when I did not really know what I was going to write about, I feel I have made a decent posting so I will sign off for now.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

(windows are the greatest source of heat loss in your home during the winter)
I Have Solar Winter Heater Window Proto-type Invention, But Have been Unable to Get The Concept To Market, Here Is Why

Going back ten years now, I developed a proto-type invention in my ex girlfriends apartment windows to save on electric base board heating costs. What I had to deal with at the time was a hot wired apartment of hers due to gyprock over plaster instalations that were done in the apartment above her in the triplex building. I had to get the hot wiring disconnected so that the base board thermostats would work properly on a 115 volts max in put. Due to the hot wiring of the apartment the heaters would constantly stay on or like in one room not work at all. Thermostats need to have the correct voltage input for what they are rated for, other wise they will not work properly. I am a engineering technician and I am fully qualified to speak of this situation. Any way with the special plastic supplied by an engineer I used to work with, and the nature of the instalation design, UV rays would be stopped like a break and heat up the plastic panel. An air humidifier and air filtration pump was placed in the middle of the apartment to draw the collected heat from the sun rays off the plastic panels and pump the heat around the apartment through air circulation. Jack Layton of the NDP of Canada is advertising this fall how Prime Minister Harper should take the home heating oil tax off the cost of heating homes. If Harper was to do this and home owners were able to invest in my invention, more home heating costs during the winter could be achieved. In a way my prototype is not wanted becuase oil producers of home heating oil would lose money, but then again plastic is oil based so the plastic and oil industry on the whole would not have losses but increased sales. The engineer that produced the plastic for my design is only more than willing to move palets of the plastic for the home or apartment savings on winter heating costs, at first he said to me, in theory the idea will work so prove it to me, and I said to him, supply me with sample plastic and I will prove it to you, so he did. The stigma of psychiatry also got in the way of me launching the invention or concept, because I was always hospitalized and strapped to a bed for arguing my point against gyprock over old plaster instalations. Old plaster can be repaired when it cracks or decomposes, thus maintaining the integraty of the old wall and the original wiring as usaully modified by master electricians over the years. If you are intrested in further information on the solar winter heater design for windows, email me and start to make the investment for savings in heating your home this winter.
I cancelled my account with amazingwebmall, could not afford the fees
For art and home supplies, check out my virtual store located at: enjoy some Christmas shopping on my other website.....

Doctor Goober Mickeal Modesty

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Canadian Remembrance Day 2010
During the 11th month, on the 11th day of the 11th hour, Canadians take a moment to reflect and remember the sacrafice our war heros made over the years since WWI. It is a very special time for us Canadians, as we take our moment of silence in prayer so generations present and to come, do not forget the great wars and how Canadians served with dedication and loyality for the cause. Right up to the present conflict in Afghanistan, Canadians serve with honour to bring peace to future generations as they are called to duty to serve in war torn lands. One special thing Canadians have done is built "Honour House" in British Columbia, which is now a refuge for injured soldiers coming home from the Afghanistan conflict. The house was opened in time for Remembrance Day 2010 and houses 10 suites. There are plans to build the same type of complex in each Province in Canada. Lest we forget.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

I Have Gained Weight With Working Out Since Off The Court Ordered Injections
Since I have been off the Court ordered injections and do not have extra paramidal side effects, I have been leading a more functional life. Between eating a more stable diet and forfilling my day more productively, which part have been pumping my weights again, I gained back the weight I had lost. The Court ordered injections were really hard on me, I was not eating right for one. It was hard to do anything with the extra paramidal side effects hampering my life they way they were. It was like I was strickened to my bed to make the EPSE go away, and I continually lost weight. Since I have been back on the pills, I have had no EPSE and leading a complete and wholesome day. Part of my daily routine is to watch the News on TV, and quite often I will sit in a hard desk chair infront of the TV set and pump my weights, working out the upper body. I will also go out side infront of the building where I life and do a few twists of the skipping rope to get the heart pumping and lungs working harder to try and compensate for my cigarette smoking. An added advantage of working out my arms and upper body, I find that I can play bar chords on my guitar better. The added strenght to my hands and fingers from using the squeeges, seem to give me the added strenght to apply the strings of the guitar on to the frets when doing bar chords. Over my life span I always worked out doing calisthenics based on my Canadian Coast Guard College physical training experience, working the weights has been very much apart of it. With feeling better physically and mentally with working out, I have been attending the music and art group at the hospital to help forfill my day during the week. It is also comman for me to walk the mountain up to the hospital programs to give my legs the work out, along with going to see the Doctor every two weeks.
With being on the pills I have also been eating a whole lot better, once again thanks to not having the EPSE. I enjoy cooking in the kitchen, and it does help getting the sweets from Mum's baking expertise. It will be coming up a month that I have been on the pills again and I have gained about 15 lbs. I have another 10 lbs to gain to get up to my Coast Guard College graduation weight of 145lbs, I never could get up to that weight when I lost some of it working and being in psychiatry, but I intend to. I got to start doing my sit ups again too, I usaully hook my toes under the over hang of the kitchen cabnets at the kitchen sink. It has been a while and my belly shows the worse for it, but it does not take me long to whip it into shape doing my sit ups. I also pull off some push ups while on the kitchen floor as well, doing different styles of push ups to exercise the various muscles of the upper body, thus maintaining my physic and shape. I find that with doing the physical work outs, it also helps to maintain the natural grace of movement, which is an added bonus while playing guitar or other instruments that I play. When I work out I can really eat up the food and I am lucky that I am a competant cook in the kitchen and know how to get the best value for my money to feed myself. Working out is for everyone no matter what the age to maintain your body shape. Mum at 81 still goes to the Church's work out class to do her exercises along with doing a healthy amount of walking. I do a fair bit of walking myself and often take an evening stroll with Mum when we get out after supper before I head home after visiting her for supper and helping her out around her apartment with a few things. So maintain a good diet and do some physical work out in the run of each week and lead a healthy prosperous life like my Mum is pulling off with her old age of 81.
Little Big Note: Anti-semitism is in the News, I still got to live with a swastika carved into the paint on my apartment door, and my building manager does nothing about it!!! Hitler did try and do in people with schizophrenia along with the Jewish folk! It is like I am a marked man by Neo-Nazis, to get done in or something. One day I will make my Exodus from poverty and move to a better neighborhood!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Halloween 2010
It was a rather simple Halloween for me with having no children, it was just Mum and I. I got up after sleeping in for a bit and had my cup of tea or two with a bagel then headed for my shit, shower and shave. As I was getting ready to head over to Mum's I did not think much of it being Halloween, it never even fazed me. After Mum got back from church she gave me a call that she was finally home and I headed over and got my welcoming bowl of hot soup. Afterwards Mum and I headed out to do her heavy shopping list with her little cart. We took the bus down the street to Super C grocery store and we went in to semi fill the shopping cart. It was the 11 lb bag of baking flour she wanted but the store was sold out. Mum enjoys shopping at Super C so we puttered around the store getting what Mum wanted. We then walked back to Mum's apartment with me trailing her shopping cart behind me. I must say even in Mum's old age, Mum is quite the thrifty shopper, always comparing size and weight to price for the true sale over all. When Mum and I arrived at her place we unpacked the cart and Mum made coffee to warm the bones for it was a day in Montreal where it was trying to snow. After coffee Mum and I sat down so I could give her practice at her cribbage game. Mum plays cribbage at the church every Tuesday and likes to have her practice with me for she sometimes misses out on points when counting her hand. After a game and a half of cribbage Mum's new recipe of chicken rice casorole was popped in the oven to warm up for supper. I suggested it be a TV diner with the News at 1800 hrs and Mum was OK for that with her knowing that I am a News buff. After the fine scoff of food for the main course, I made the tea in one of Mum's favorite tea pots, and served up what was left of Mum's apple pie. By the time the tea was finished the hour News broadcast was over and it was the dishes to tackle together. After the dishes I handled some of Mum's problems with Mum's jewlery, she wanted clasps changed about for the jewlery that she wears most often. As I was doing the little task for Mum she packed me my take home bag of left overs from supper. By just after eight o'clock I was heading home with my Halloween left overs from Mum's kitchen. When I got home I called Mum like usaul to let her know I was in the door and home safely. After putting my Halloween supper left overs in the fridge I got on the computer and cleaned up my email account for a fair bit of time, I still had a lot of junk in it from when I was hospitalized last January. As I checked the clock it was soon time to buy my evening beer as a night cap while getting the late night news on TV. When coming home I thought I would write about my Halloween this year, quiet with me and my Mum then my computer and I. The mask I am wearing in this posting is a Shaman mask I made for an art exhibit at the Museum of Fine Arts here in Montreal when working under their guidance to produce art. The mask is made from plastacine being put on a hemp worked frame, the roots of the hemp plant are used to fill the face covering, while a crow's feather dangles from one side , with the holding handle being tied with soaked dryed hemp cut into tieing strips. A bit of bead work is added to the mask and it is a preserved hornet's nest in the forhead of the mask. Green hemp seeds make for the teeth in the mouth of the mask. At the museum art show in the community hall, I named the mask "Shaman mask a la Canadienne" Here it is just after midnight as I wind down typing up my blog posting for Halloween 2010 and I hope all went well for you as to my simple Halloween with my beloved Mum, God knows what I would without her, I would really have no one, that is hauntingly enough for me.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Mental Health Day March Celebrated Here In Montreal Today

Part of the theme around the march is to combat the stigma of mental health issues, even Mental Health Workers have a way of holding the stigma against you and making you feel like you are a piece of dirt, through my experience. For example, not returning your phone calls as my Social Workers have done, Psychiatrists threating you at will during disagrements, strapping you to beds during hospitalizations, Psychiatrists writing and doing what they want with Lawyers and Judges doing in the patient in Court room with total disregard for patient needs etc, I could go on and on!!! Even a media personality used the stigma of pyschiatry against me with getting me arrested for harrassment charges when I tried approaching her for referring to my material and working mind in the arts!! Now I am considered a threat to society by the Courts which is a total load of crap! I would like to meet a career woman from Toronto and get the hell out of Montreal and Quebec because of the Court crap around me. I have other people besides the media personality that tried to put me in prison in Montreal, I need a new start in a new metropolitian cityand having a relationship with a career woman is like my only ticket out of poverty, yea be the house husband. It is just a silly dream to have a family and be happy with a woman, with the stigma of psychiatry out there the chances of it happening are next to nothing. I have a Tribunal hearing coming up in December because of the arrest and I will be treated like a delusional piece of dirt just like before. Due to the stigma of psychiatry my Lawyer does not even call me back, I got to phone and phone until I get a hold of her. If I was some sort of corporate client, the Lawyer would return my phone call when I leave a message. Psychiatrists will out right lie about medication and sex disfunction when one complains about it, as it suits their whim, I have so many examples of Professional stigma against patients it makes the whole system out to be a complete joke. When one goes to complain about injustices in the psychiatric department at the hospital, the Head Psychiatrist will not even call you back!!! The image in this posting is symbolic of two Psychiatrists and the Tribunal Lawyer doing me, bottom center, at Tribunal hearings!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

As The Sun Rose Over Montreal This Morning, I Took Pictures At
St Joseph's Oratory, To Honour The Canonization Of Brother Andre's Stainthood

Statue of Brother Andre On Oratory Grounds
The Small Chapel Which Was The Start Of The Famous Healings By Brother Andre

The Larger St Joseph's Oratory In The Over Cast Morning Sky
Note the face I captured in the clouds on the right side of the image

St Joseph's Oratory is a very special place to me even although I am baptized Protestant, for I always believed in the Devine Intervention of faith healing that came about through Brother Andre's work. Twenty three years ago this fall, I had my own miracle healing while praying to Brother Andre at the Oratory. During the night I had got my cornea scratched, possibly from welding dust from the day before at work. I headed off to the hospital emergency by taxi to get the standard exam and patch over the eye. When I was taken by the Doctor the cornea was indeed scratched ointment and a patch was applied and I was discharged from the hospital emergence. By this time it was sun up and I headed to St Joseph's Oratory to pray for healing. Partly to prove something Devine to the Medical Doctors because Psychiatrists could never accept my religious apparitions as to how I got diagnosed with schizophrenia in the first place. When I arrived at the Oratory I took to taking an isolated spot in the main Chapel and prayed to Brother Andre for his healing help for my eye, and removed the bandage on the eye then risened the ointment out with holy water and the eye did not hurt any more. So I then went back to the hospital emergence room to get the hospital to varify what had transpired at the Oratory. They were pissed I took off the bandage that covered my eye but a Doctor did re-examine my eye. He was a bit dumb founded for there was no more scratch on the cornea. He also checked my vision and all I could see was a pink haze infront of the eye chart as I read off the letters with good vision. The Doctor said it was strange that I saw the pink but dismissed it. The Man of mordern medicine could not accept my Oratory experience as I explained it to him and told me that the other Doctor that saw me first must have made a mistake on the diagnosis of my eye, and it could not have had a scratched cornea in the first place, but I knew it was scratched because it was not the first time my cornea has gotten scratched. I was discharged from the hospital with a clean bill of health after my second visit to the emergency after the Oratory. Do not try this, I could only do it due to my schizophrenic Shaman ways, it was to prove a point to the medicale staff because of the way they treated me like a dumb schizo all the time and would not accept my religious apparitions. It is a true story and medical records can be checked from 1987.
Here is a little thing done in my Music Group some time back:
Continual Call To God
As I find myself, as the song, a "Soldier of Christ",
I find a inner peace & contentment,
Forfillment & growth in a very rich Godly manner,
As I pursue theology and the arts,
A love of life again!
stand by while this post is being put together with information on Brother Andre and some history of the Oratory, it will take me a bit to complie my research

Friday, October 15, 2010

Out Of The Darkness Of Psychiatry There Is Light, I Finally Got Another Session With My Psychiatrist And The Session Went OK

As it turned out on Thursday past I had an appointment with my Psychiatrist, as things came to pass, I got off the injections and received a perscription for pills so I would not have the extra paramidal side effects or sexual disfunction due to medication. He was not a bad type of sort with me and is human after all. We talked and sorted things out, covering various aspects of my life. I admitted to him that I do not have enough to do with my time and he recommended that I get some volunteer work. I explained to him how the extra paramidal side effects hampered me and we discussed the injection, how accoeding to my Lawyer it was up to him to do something about the Court Ordered injections for she could do nothing about it. So I have my pills for a month and an appointment every two weeks to see how it goes for now, I explained to him that I have my blog and sometimes I do get media attention around what I write, depending who reads my blog. He seemed to accept this for I told him I worked at my Internet presences.As it stands right now, I fight off depression from having so much time on my hands, I always used to work while taking medication for my schizophrenia. Ever since I got bad bouts of extra parmidal side effects five years back, I have not held down a full time job. When I was up a fifteen foot ladder or so, and I got the EPSE while up the ladder, I more or less gave up working as a tradesperson. It has been a hard road having tried to work while taking medication, I went through quite a few recessions, when I did get a job and the psychiatric situation came out due to side effects of the medication, everything went wrong, I was no longer to be believed when arguing my point with concepts of engineering, the stigma of psychiatry got in the way!I did have a couple of good employers over the years, but in a way I was not ready during my rehabilitation years, it took quite a few years to accept my situation with schizophrenia.
I was at the music group which is held at the hospital this past week, it was a pretty good music session like usual.We even got some homework to write a couple verses of a song about joy, I started it and it felt good to be creative again, but I spend too much time alone with my creative process this last while. It has been hard trying to succeed as an artist/writer and I do get discouraged. It would be good if I could sell a piece of art every now and again but I do not know the people like others do to circulate my creative works. So as I plug away I hope more of a light comes into my life to liven it up somewhat and hopefully one day I can improve my income bracket from where I stand right now.
Image in this posting was inspired by Dexter Dalwood's 2005 painting Herman Melville

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

My Window Of Psychiatry Has Dark Blury Leaves In It As My New Psychiatrist Is a Complete Asshole That Says I Hallucinate TV And That There Is Nothing Wrong With Me And I Should Get A Job While Threatening To Put Me Back In Hospital

When ever I sent the Media personality that got me arrested an email or art and music she put in plugs for me which everyone wants to say I hallucinated. On Court papers she said she just ignored my fan mail and I am being done in for it. So now I am contempt of Court because I never got my injection yesterday so the Doctor is going to send the Police after me to have me put away again.Of course everyone will back their beloved media personality and I will get done in as is what is happening now.I am used to be put away from standing up for the National Building Code against gyprock over plaster installations.I suppose I am hallucinating the three sister Chefs that are on Canada AM just now.I did ask the media personality to be my art manager to help me over come slander and find away out of poverty by Canadian standards. I left messages at the hospital and they have not called me back yet, guess they are too busy getting a Court Order to have me put away in a psychiatric ward! I once emailed a DJ on the radion station I listen to, and wrote, if I hallucibate the TV do I hallucinate you to, we are yet to talk about like she refered.......Great life trying to figure out if you hallucinate radio and TV when that is all you more or less have, it is rather discomforting. Ones mind plays tricks on them in the due process and one is left with a billion questions and nobody there to answer them.It is now Oct 2nd and I was at the emergency department at the hospital yesterday for severe extra paranormal side effects that I am suffering from from the Court ordered injections I recieve, right now I could be going through withdrawl from the injection according to the Doctor I saw in emergency, I have lost weight because the muscle contractions affect my stomach and mouth and I find it hard to eat, in actual fact it is hard to do anything. I have to lie down and close my eyes to make the contractions stop so I get nothing done. This whole affair is so stupid and should never have happen. All I wanted was to succeed at being an artist with some media attention around my work, I never sent any thing demeaning or perverted, my luck peole would impersonate me and sent crap to her under my name. Come to think of it, when my lawyer was flipping through the file I saw something I did not send, and the file was rather thick for what I actually did send. I did phone and left messages twice looking for answers when my Psychiatry said I was hallucinating the plugs for me for when I sent samples of my work, I was rather stressed out with what my Psychiatrist did to me accusing me of hallucinating everything. In my case the stigma of pyschiatry is two fold!! I have no place to turn but my blog and these circumstances have seemed to make the radio but my Psychiatrist will say that I am hallucinating that too. I was not even given a warning not to communicate with her before being arrested. All I want is for the muscle contractions to stop and work out to get my weight back.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Fall Colours Are Starting On The Maple Trees As Canadians Work Their Way Through September And As I Handle The Extra Paramidal Side Effects
As it turns out the Court Ordered injections of anti psychoticmedication really hamper me with the EPSE and my new attending Psychiatrist is trying to rectify the problem with adjusting the dosage and the time span between injections. Right now I get the injection every three weeks and the Doctor reduced the dosage by one third, but I still have bad bouts of the EPSE for two weeks but seem to be OK during the third week where I can function without the EPSE. This is when I get things done around the apartment. It seems like when I have the EPSE if I lie down and close my eyes it stops the EPSE and I just lie in my bed listening to the radio. As fall is coming upon us this week and being the third week after my last injection I have picked up the guitar and have been practicing again. I have not really done any art but I am ancious to paint a canvas again but it is like my big statement, where do I put it or what do I do with it. I have missed painting on canvas the last while and I have several art designs on my mind to do. I got out last Friday with my camera and finished off my roll of black and white film while walking along the canal on the bike path with an old friend who always stood me and encouraged my artistic talent. The only real problem with me doing black and white photography is the cost of the development, around $30 Canadian to develope a roll of 24 images. This is a chunk of money out of my budget but thanks to my Mum giving me left overs from her kitchen along with visiting Mum for meals I do not bad. It will soon be DEcember before I know it and that would make a year since Dad pasted away from lung cancer at 85 years old. I started this post before the evening News with the image and the caption in bold lettering and thought that I would write in the morning, but I could not sleep so I got up and starting writing my post. Having missed the last two sessions of music therapy at the hospital due to the EPSE being so bad I am looking forward to this group session on this coming Wednesday. I am really fed up with the EPSE cramping my style and activities, I am due for another injection on the 27 of this month and want to go on the pills instead of the injections, that will be a hell raiser to work out with the hospital staff and the Courts, then before I know it, December will be on us and back to another Tribunal hearing for following up after getting arested for trying to charm a woman and getting nailed for harassment charges. I still spend most of my time by myself except when I get together with my Mother. I do not attend the art group at the hospital this semester, mainly due to trying to sort through the EPSE and being able to function without the involuntary muscle contrations that make the EPSE, it is hard enough trying to be a regular at the music group. Here it is coming up four o'clock in the morning so I am going to try and get some sleep.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

We Picked A Face From A Selection, And Played The Mood Of The Face, I Worked With Someone Putting It Together, A Blues Number Off The D Chord On The Guitar

I am going to draw a charcoal face of my own, symbolic of the one in group for use. The person I teamed up with, put some words together with me, I chose the blues to do and this is what we wrote: (I changed the name we used to my pen name Goober)

The life of Goober is in the blues

His expressions & emotions

Through a tear & his frowning blues

The life of Goober is in the blues

Through a tear & his fowning blues

He sits alone in misery

And stares at the shadow of his emotions

Confused and fustrated shedding tears

One at a time, slowly running down his face

Drawing out the next tear

The frown of emotional misery

Guides the tears down his face

As he really feels the blues

The life of Goober is in the blues

His expressions & emotions

Through a tear and frowning blues

The life of Goober is in the blues

His expressions & emotions

Through a tear of frowning blues

We each read a section while we played instruments, I was playing around a D cord on the neck picking strings or strumming cords. I still got to get around to draw the face. So I drew a face, the first art I have done since I got out of hospital after the Tribunal hearing, no way does the face look like me!
I have not had the Extra Paramidal Side Effects since Tuesday past, the thrird week in the injections, I go back on the seventh of September for my injection and EPSE. Here it is Sunday evening and I picked up a guitar lesson off the Internet playing a 4 note blues which I am working on with my guitar while I have no EPSE, it is also the first I really picked up my guitar in a long time due to the EPSE.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Here I Am On The Last Day Of August, Still Going Through Bad Bouts Of Extra Paramidal Side Effects, And I Have Never Felt So Alone

putting words together.......I do not know what to make of my life, being alone with the EPSE, the Nurse at the hospital did call me this morning, I had to explain everything all over again and she is going to try and find a back up Doctor to deal with me. They will not take me off the Court Ordered injections and all I do is suffer at the hands of the Courts and Psychiatrists. I should never had contacted the media personality that got me arrested and I would not in this fix, all I wanted was some help exposing my art carreer. Like my Lawyer said when I got arrested, "She wants nothing to do with you", so I am left hanging high and dry being told I hallucinated all the plugs she made during the time period I set her art and explained some art ideas to her via email or Canada Post. A person from her program called me and told me to forget about her she is married and he was suppose to contact my Nurse then I got arrested the very same evening after leaving a phone message for her, I wanted to straighten out if I was hallucinating the TV or not. It is not that easy forgetting the whole thing! I feel so alone and broken hearted with the EPSE getting the better of me. I have lost too much weight with being in the situation I am in and constantly fight depression. The couple of people I do know are at work and Mum is out at her Church activity and I have no one to spend my disability pension pay day with. So I turned to my blog like I always did, I hold my head alot and cry in fustration over the ESPE as I am holed up in my apartment....taking a break from writing.....the image for this posting is just another piece of unsold art done for an expo/sale at the hospital. I remember when it was not long after a Concordia McGill University hockey game I went to, when the hockey puck bounced off the ice and hit the bench between my legs almost taking out my balls, then PM Harper when giving a hockey puck with the National Emblame on it to someone entering the Hockey hall of fame, and he said, "I wish that hockey puck did do in Doctor Goober Modesty's balls", well Prime Minister now I am done in and a total burden to the State, your wish was forfilled! Oh Harper, people acted out your wishes that my balls were done in, a Psychiatrist says I am delusional about political interferance, I think Montreal West Island would agree your comments were political interferance to do me in an destroy a small business man as in me. The credit card reciept, who ever owns it, left it in my apartment forfilling the Prime Minister's wishes during an illegal entrance into my apart, during the date of purchase I was behind locked doors at the Montreal Allan, nobody will do any thing about this issue, so too bad you forgot your credit card reciept at my desk in amoung my company reciepts, wanting to be me I guess, what? I bet none of my shit is at your desk illegally. I was taking medication at the time when the Prime Minister made his comment and still told I hallucinated my fucken shit I hallucinated everything about me in the media, apparently the word of powerful people is I hallucinated this hockey puck situation too. Funny how my schizophrenia worked around visual religious type apparitions/hallucinations, and people expanded my hallucinations around radio and TV.....just dazied and confused about being done in around my schizophrenic issues. I really fell in love in a certain way to the woman that got me arrested when she was my natural hallucingenic putting in plugs for me, I do want to talk to you about it all, I did a lot of art around you!!!! Other media comments about me by personalities have been made, one day I will get to talk someone about what went on proir to my arrest. I was even forced to admit I hallucinate TV around the woman that got me arrested at the Tribunal to get out of hospital.....rumours still float about me around Montreal when I am out and about because of all this. Like my Parole Offier while going through the Courts said, I should never have been arrested. The Court Psychologist said that I have above average intelligence, so I am sitting on something! But I am damaged goods, I still reacted the wrong way when I got a phone call dealing with an up coming event because of the arrest.I close this post and am going to work on a post regarding what I did in music therapy working with somone on music,we wrote and played together proforming to other group members.

Friday, August 27, 2010

I Have Had A Bad Bout Of Extra Paramidal Side Effects For Two Days Now
Here I am with no place to turn as I suffer bad bouts of EPSE. I am left alone with my involunteery muscle contracts, go figure my Doctor is on vacation when I need him. It is like a Psychiatrist said to me along time ago, it is par for the course. The cock tease into harassment charges really did me in with the Court ordered injections. My Lawyer can not even do anything about it....thinking. It is hard to do anything around the apartment with the EPSE strickening me the way they are, I can not even be there for my 81 year old Mother like I should be. It is even hard to cook a meal for my self. All anyone at the hospital can say is I hallucinated the whole thing on my TV set, which I can not accept.....thinking some more. I wish I had someone to turn to, it is like with the whole world population and I have no one, it makes my little hell hole a real hell. It is like why did I want to be an Artist and turn to a media personality to correspond with to help over come slander I went through standing up for the Canadian National Building Code, where ever I went to earn a bill I always got done in, it is like a Police Officer said to me, "There is no justice!". I even wrote to the media personality to ask if I was hallucinating her or not and she got me done in, now I do not know want to believe at times between my TV and radio, and I feel totally unwanted because of the lies society told me like the poem I wrote a long time ago. Why can I not just get some straight answers about things, instead I live in a life of too many questions with no does anyone really care about the truth, I guess not!!! Here it is day three with really bad EPSE, I do not know what to do, I am left alone with it all. I need someone to turn to, and I do not know where to go. I ended up calling my ex girl friend and she came in to see me, we got a cold coffee and then drive to the water front along the river to sit and talk. She knows how it can get me with the EPSE.She is going to come see me and possible take my tools to give to the tradesmen in her family. The EPSE stopped while I was at the river with her.I came home after to catch up on some cleaningthat had not been done with all the bad bouts of EPSE these passes few days, it is Sunday to day.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Have Not Got A Whole Lot To Write About, Just Trying To Find Some Words

My life has been rather boring and I have not got a whole lot to write. I still attend the hospital music group and spend most of my time by my self. The extra paramidal side effects still hamper my life some what after I get my injection and they taper off before I get my next injection. Hema Quebec called me again to give blood and I booked an appointment with their mobile unit at a mall in my community. I just came back from the pharmacy getting a print out of the medication I take for the Nurse at Hema Quebec while going through the registration process. So I got something to do next week besides my music group and that will be the forth time that I give blood. I never gave blood when I was younger because I thought you could not when taking medication, the medication just has to be varified by Hema Quebec.My Mother is good at helping me out with things I need for day to day living, including helping me out with food. It kind of hurts how I was burfen to my folks ever since I got diagnosed with schizophrenia. They have always given with their help to assist me one way or another. I just find it lonely spending most of the time by myself, I wish I could expand my social status like having someone to do my music with. With regards to that other person's credit card recipe I found in my apartment through being left behind during an illegal entrace when I was in hospital, I gave a copy to my Social Worker for her to help me find a Lawyer so I can take the person to Court. I also got the paper work off my Social Worker to apply for subsidized housing with the Government, I still got to find a way to get rid of my tools since I don't think I will be going back to work with them, and they take up too much room in my apartment. I have no contacts to sell them, I guess eventually something will come up to get rid of them. I am constantly throughing stuff out trying to down size what I have in my apartment, a lot of stuff I do not need or use any more, I have a lot of old paper work I could get rid of too, but that will take time to sort through. I have a piece of art sketched on a canvas through inspiration from the media personality that got me arrested for harrassment. In a way I do not want to do the art with trowel work and in a way I still want to do it, it is just that I am still confused over the arrest because I felt I was led on a bit and did not hallucinate the radio and TV. I am left with no answers just confused and not knowing what to believe. I guess at times their are no answers and I am left hanging high and dry with not knowing what to believe. If the media personality had not lied about her wedding band in the very beginning during a broadcast, she said it meant nothing when she is married, I would never have contacted her and tried to charm her,hence never been arrested! I always seemed to get done in no matter what I took upon myself.I shed many a tear like a water fall over getting arrested for I always tried to stay on the right side of the law, it is still hard to handle at times.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

It Was My Birthday On Friday August 13th 2010, I Got The Camera Up The Butt In Colonoscopy And Spend Time With My Mother As I Turned The Big 50
The image is the birthday card my Mother gave, it is from Sentimental Studios, Toronto Canada, the words inside the card are really something special, Mum always touches my heart in special ways. For the start of my birthday, I was up early to make to the hospital for my 8:30 appointment at the hospital to get screaned again in colonoscopy, it was pretty well nothing to eat or drink for 24hours and drinking a solution to clean out my intestinal track and all before the exam. As it turned out I did not even have a pallup this time around, never mind worrying if my pallups were precancerous again. So as it turns out I am not due in colonoscopy again for two years. I was suppose to have an escort home after the exam but I have no one really to turn to. They have strick rules now for post exam now so the Doctor got a Social worker to get me a taxi voucher to get me home after I complained I could not afford the $25 taxi ride on my welfare budget, The hospital staff would not let me go home by the Montreal tranport system with my buspass by my self due to risk of possible fainting like others. After I got home I ate two grilled cheese sandwickes then headed over to see my Mother. We met at the mall where she bought some new jeans for me for my birthday. Funny how Mum went through her labour pains to bring me into this world, always had to pop a bill over the years for this and that to help me through my adult life of poverty, and now she is talking about taking out a prearranged funeral arrangement for me along with a proper will before she passes away in old age for she turns 81 this year. It is like I have to will my stuff to the city dump site, their is no off spring to will it to. I do not know what I will do when old age catches up on my Mum, she is the only person I have to really talk to, my brother is always so busy with his wife, child and work. I end up fantasing about a carreer woman falling in love with me for some stupid reason and having the oppitunity to be a artist house husband as her tax right off somehow. It is like all the good woman are happily married with man and family and I am always alone all the time except when I go to see my Mother or hospital program for something to do. I spent most of my adult life alone wishing to have a Lady at my side, then I ended up getting arrested for harrassment trying to charm an established carreer woman in the media and then have to go through Court Ordered injections all over again as I grow old alone. I miss trying to charm a Lady. This apartment was suppose to be a new start and beginning, now I am really lonely, fustrated and pissed off what life dished me out. I do not have any room to do any more art for I have no place to put it and can not sell any. Funny how much deep thinking one can do pre turning 50, and I still look young for my age with no hope of getting out of poverty. A Nurse at the hospital always said I was good looking but it got me no where with a real lady. It is in me to die of a heart attack after Mum passes away because I could not tolerate being totally alone with no one to phone every day or never hear my phone ring again, I am not going down with cancer that easily with having no precancer pallups this time around in colonoscopy. I got to think a bit in my lonely fustration, my parents were landed immigrants to this country and I have no else to turn to after Mum passes away, she keeps reminding me she is getting older and will not always be there for me. Ironically, Hema-Quebec called me, they need my blood again. There is a local blood drive here in the mall in my community, it is like take it all and let me die giving blood. Humans are social animals, and when a human has no other humans to socialize with, life loses it meaning!!!! I do not have the guts to take my own life, but just want to die a lot of the time with having no other human to really spend time with, loneliness and poverty is strange company, I even got in trouble while going to University trying to reach out and communicate with fellow students to over come being alone all the time, it why I feel unwanted most of the time. There is no money to go to school anymore, it did give me some meaning as a social being. In one way it is strange how I do not need the likes of viagra yet at my age and the Court Ordered injection medication has the tendancy to dampen sexual drive, I still get to jurk myself to sleep every now and again fantasing about banging bone with a real lady love. .....will write some more later.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Just Getting The Extra Paramidal Effects Under Control With My New Psychiatrist
So Here I be Fighting off extra paramidal Effects off and was not doing too good around the apartment. Trying to figure out what to do with all my tools, getting resty piping cleaned up by the Landlored through getting the bathroom faucet changed/repaired. The Doctor reduced my medication and made the injection for a longer time period, so I am proned to do more around the apartment instead of laying down and closing my eyes to make the EPSE go away. My place needs totally cleaned still from being closed up for four months while I was in hospital and I got too much stuff for this size of apartment, I need a locker for my tools ans other containers that I do not need in my apartment right now, and I did build up paper work with art and school at the University.I did not even get to do my taxes with being in hospital. Here I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life again after the state and Psychiatrists took control at the Tribunal back in January. I am starting to play guitar again at home in the evening and here I am writing my blog about it now. I have repaired some clay pieces of art the broke, they where unfired so easy to repair with water and a bit of fixing.I got to start eating better tooo, I have not been keeping a decent diet due to depression accompioning the ESPE......till LATER

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

In Between My Bouts Of Extra Paramidal Side Effects, I Practice Certain Songs On My Guitar While Singing
I did this sketch some time ago at a friend's place and I am using it for this posting. There are four songs that I am really practicing on guitar while singing the lyrics. The four songs are, Redemption Song by Bob Marley, Blowing in the Wind,the theme song from the movie Doctor Zhivago La Chanson de Lara, and Keep the Home Fires Burning for the Troops in Afghanistan. I played a lot of guitar while in hospital recently and it is thanks to the hospital music therapist and the lessons I was given that I have advanced on guitar the way I have. How I fell into singing, well it just came to me while I was learning how to play guitar. I could do with a voice coach and help around my singing but it does make me feel good to sing and play. For the song Keep the Home Fires Burning for the Troops in Afghanistan to come home, I changed the song somewhat to include the female gender as it is a old WWI song according to my deceased Father. I have no one to practice my music with so I just plug away on my own except for when I attend the out patient music group at the hospital. I do try my hand a writing music as well and I bought a capo this time I was in hospital and I play around with that as well sometimes. I really enjoy playing around with my music even if I do not spend time with another musician around my home, just the hour and a half in the hospital music group once per week. I do some finger picking as well on the guitar along with playing around with my mouth recorder in the hospital music group. Inspiration comes to me in various ways and it feels good to produce in music even if it is on my own for its theraputic value. So till next time I write take care all.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Extra Paramidal Side Effects Are Hampering My Life Due To Court Ordered Injections
Here I am struggling with side effects from the medication I am forced to take as a result of getting arrested for harrasment charges due to a media personality I tried communicating with. Here I am alone trying to sort out the side effects with the hospital, I was at the hospital emergency the other day due to the side effects that are constant muscle contractions on my lower torso up to my mouth. It is hard to do anything with these attacks of contractions, I am even coping with them as I try and write. So I am just making a small entry for now as I try and cope with my situation.....till later.......The side effect medication is not stopping the contractions, just like the last time I was on injections through the Courts when I was mouthing off about gyprock over plaster installations in homes and apartments. If I had not got arrested for harassment, I would not have had the Tribunal hearing where I blew my cork with what the Doctor wrote about me, hence I disrupted proceedings at the Tribunal and got hospitalized and forced into Court ordered injections of medication for schizophrenia.
Mum has been good to me through it all and even attended the Tribunal hearing to get me discharged from Hospital.

Friday, July 02, 2010

Belated Birthday for Canada, I Could Not get Blogger to Open Up On the 1st Of July, Went Around It Another Way Today, So Here Is A Scan Of My Little Canadian Flag.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Due To The Nature Of My Being, I Have My Early Sunday Morning Prayer Vigil, For G20 Security Police and Shop Owners That Got Sabotaged In Toronto!
Absolutely crazy what went on in Toronto at the G20 Summit, these Anachrists must be stopped, obviously they are youths just out looking for trouble! I would hate to be the shop owners that have to pick up the pieces of their business' after violent acts were committed against their livelyhood. The problems in the World today that World Leaders have to contend with and these Anachrists that have cost Canadian tax payers a fortune in sabotage. By the looks of these rebel Anachrists and their age, I was in college committing my life to the way of the uniform and being a tax payer at the same age. The stupidity of it, lighting Police cars on fire, don't people realize the burning cars can explode, thank our blessing that the Police cars did not explode during the burning time before the way was secured for the Fire Department to handle the mess. As reported on the News, Toronto is usually a city of peaceful protest, these Anachrist that were caught should get 25 years of Federal time for industrial sabotage!!! Here in this morning News, some peaceful protesters were arrested, it is all so complicated,  in a park after 11 at night can get you trouble here in Montreal. It is the hooligans that do the damage to business' and property that have to be controlled with extreme measures. News teams had their vehicles damaged as well, where do these black bloc members get the money to be Anachrists and arrive at summits, they are the terror of peaceful protest! Here the Commissioner of the Ontario Provincial Police is saying on the News that black bloc are oraganized crime, still what do they do to finance themselves. I can not get financing for any thing and I am in debt with living in poverty most of my adult life. Almost 6 hundred arrests now, the cost to process these people through the courts, really how does one get a Lawyer mid day on a Sunday? So people do get Lawyers in the detention center in Toronto, still why don't people just listen to the Police to make things easier, like the media is saying the Police know who the main trouble makers are with their protest weaponary. In past posts I wrote things perhaps I should not have written out of paranoia and fustration with illegal entrance into my apartment, I still got the credit card receipt to prove it, someone left it behind! I gave a copy of the credit card receipt to my last resort income Officer when I signed my last declaration, hopefully through the banks and the courts it will settle out, all that I went through I certainly did not turn into an Anachrist, and I just get told I am delusional and hallucinate the News were I get my information from, partly of what transpired around me as an Internet Artist/Writer that never could amount to anything no matter what I did to get ahead in life. Then again certain politicians did single me out for comment as I caught clips of in the media. I even went to see my local Federal elected official over illegal enterance into my apartment and it amounted to nothing, I only have good intentions in my heart and still want to make something of myself with my capacity as a person with schizophrenic issues as I put it. Some times I feel unwanted due to certain comments by politicians about my situation, and it did lead my astray somewhat in my writingas with the stupidity of my life and the stigma that resulted around my Internet presence. Somewhere out there the answer is blowing in the wind and truths will come out as I pray for justice for all concerned in life's struggles. Little Note: I finally arranged for dental work being on me through the dental students at the Royal Victoria Hospital, and my last resort income dental card, thanks to having dental pain while in hospital this past hitch when I was in hospital.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Fete Nationale In Quebec, Canada, So I Took A 3D Scan Of My Quebec Flag For Posting
I was alone all day with my extra paramidal side effects for my Province's Fete Nationale where we celebrate what it means to be a Quebecois, born in or landed immigrant to Quebec. I watched a lot of TV News on the G8-G20 summit and what is going on in and around Toronto. I have to stand by the Police objective to keep the area secure for the summit, just hope people will not turn violent in protest. I should find a TV station for my Fete Nationale which I am doing now. So I found something on ARTV!

Monday, June 21, 2010

This piece of art was done while in hospital this passed winter and spring, me searching for answers for what became of my life. Minimal budget with Quebec last resort income and my disability pension. It is like what the hell am I suppose to do with the rest of my life. I put Google advertizing back on my blog to add to the astectics of my blog, rumours always seem to float around me, and at times I do not know what to believe. It is even hard for me to find the words to write, I am rather dumb founded how my life turned out as I am approaching my birthday to savoir the big 50 day. Quarter century later in psychiatry as a patient and not much of a life to speak of....let me find some words....Oh yea, I found something to do when I get my cheque, sketching a model and a vine and cheese after, I am seriously going to invest the $15. Then there is this sketch of a bare breasted statuette that I want to do at the Royal Victoria Hospital here in Montreal, my kick on doing the human form as an Artist. Then I got about ten pictures left on my recent role of black and white film, it puts a dent in the monthly budget getting the film my hobbies get me by so that it seems like I am accomplishing something in the arts. When I attended the hospital art group on the last day of the semester, the teacher gave me some clay to work, I am suppose to be doing an owl from a Henry Moore owl image in a art book. I got his owl photocopied as a sample and do intend to work on it, just so much to catch up on around the apartment with it being dorment for four months while the Tribunal put me away in hospital for my anger, but I did get a new Psychiatrist out of it........I am on
Court Ordered injections for the second time in my life, and live out the extra paramidal side effects as part of it. Sure there is side effect medication, but it does not always work. It is an inconvience and a real pain when I get an on slaught of them. Funny how women seem to get a kick out of getting males arrested for harassment, since it happen to me, I have got to hear tales of  what other males have gone through with the same thing, in one case it was a guy's ex-wife that did it to him over the kids, here I have no children with anyone, just asked the wrong person to be my art manager, and besides the hospital said I hallucinated everything on TV. I should have been sent a notice by registered mail to back off my communications before getting arrested. I got off from criminal charges due to a mental disorder, and the hospital says I even hallucinate my "Tokyo Rose" radio show, as I dubbed this other Lady's radio broadcast! Hence the Court Ordered injections of medication and the Tribunal hearing again in six months to make sure I am still no longer a threat to society, a fucken joke little old me a threat to society......I cried myself to sleep over this in and out of hospital......the stupidity of my fucken life.......I am aware that blackmail floated around me to do me in long before this event in my life......"C'est la vie" as we say in French.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Somewhere Out There, A Rainbow Has My Name On It To Succeed At Something, Even If It Is At Sun Set!
Stand by while I work on this post, so here I am throwing out old clothes and selling off tools to downsize and prepare to find a place to live that does not have a pigeon septic tank of excretement on my window sill all the time, and I am checking out somemore McGill research to put a couple of bills in my pocket. How do I go about explaining my life, tired of not turning a bill for my labours, yea the artistic life, it is like it is all for nothing put stocking pileing art. At least I am not like western Canada under heavy rains and mud slides loosing everything. I turned over a deal for my carpenter's belt, like my associate said, you do not get them like that anymore, and the piece of equipement is hardly used, just needs on replacement rivit in the leather work for the hammer hook on one side. I got a guy lined up too for buying some sockets etc, he works on trains keeping people and goods transported on the steel rail I guess, according to our limited conversation. A fortune in tools I could never get me to make money, may the next man that uses them to raise a child to work the forge of material science like I always did. Time for my nappy poo for the evening, it has been a long day picking up the pieces of my life!!!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Here I Am At Home Finally Discharged From The Hospital, Trying To Figure Out How To Pick Up The Pieces Of My Life
Here I am no better off than when I went into hospital. My place is to small for all my stuff and I am left kind of heart broken. Like my Parole Officer said, I should never have been arrested for harrassment. C'est la vie, having no one to turn to. Psychiatrist say I am delusional and hallucinate radio and TV.  I only have my Mum to converse with now that I am out of hospital, and she keeps reminding me that she is getting older and will not be around for ever. Grant you I am still part of the hospital program on certain days of the week, but I have no one to turn to in between times. It is like I am growing old alone, all I have is my TV for the News, the radio for music and my partly sabotaged computer. It is like I want to fall in love with someone and start my life over somewhere. I can not even have my beer any more due to the medication, all I really know is shattered dreams and it hurts. I do not really know what to write at this point..... I will let it ride for a bit until I collect my thoughts and figure out what to write. Here I am back writing, really I am turning the big 50 in two months, I will be getting the camera up the butt in colonscopy on my birthday, it is like happy birthday and here you get reamed out! The image in this posting is a piece of art I did in hospital while asking myself what is it all for? Now that I am all depressed about my life, the Psychiatrist will probally prescribe more pills or do something like putting me back in hospital. Update: Monday June 14th 2010, So here I am getting the feet under me again picking up the pieces of my life after being in hospital for close to four months, I am just making a little note on how I am controling depression from setting in. I am sorting through my stuff and throwing out a lot of things I do not use any more and making more room in my apartment. It is surprizing how I can safe stuff and it creates clutter, it is like I got room to to take in some stuff I have inherited from my Father's passing away, this task I have taken upon myself is keeping my mind busy and I am not proned to feeling depressed. I got the hospital group tomorrow, appairently we are going out to lunch together for an outing, will write more later.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

Did Some Work For Mum On This Weekend Pass From Hospital, Then Some Work at home!
I fixed up one of Mum's air conditioners and cleaned up her balcony with a scrub brush, all the winter car exhaust and dirt got lifted, along with her patio door track cleaned, repaired her summer screen and put a filter on the out side suction to the air conditioner, it was good to work for Mum, I also got her sewing machine going, it was Mum that sewed the filter material around the spring loaded coat hanger clip I made. Then I started the long haul of picking up the pieces around my place......till later....I am getting out of hospital on Thursday and will still be part of the hospital program for a bit. I got to get my tools working  some to get out of poverty and get a bigger place or a locker where I live. My art alone has built up and I have no room for it all. It will cost me $170 a month more for a 3 1/2 apartment instead of my present 2 1/2, I do not know what to do at this point.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Psychiatrists Are Like Ass Wipe, Suck Holeing off Each Other's Fuck Ups, Like My Lawyer Said To Me in an legalistic way At My Tribunal Hearing Today, "The Hospital Will Not Admit The Truth Around You!" Then Again Psychiatrists can not even get My Number Of Hospitalizations Right In Another Province At A Tribunal Hearing!!!
So They can meet my King Cobra on the Internet, art was done while in hospital and is not finished yet!!! I am home for a over night pass!!!
Love Sent At Front Lines, desgrapency, with top Miitaty Officer, it is like where love goes in isolation to solve the problem through pillow talk afterwards for survival, just a certain point of view from what my life became as a person with an isolated stressful life surrounding my schizophrenia, I fell in love for a survival tatctics in a way, and may have got done in for it, I am humoured  in some sort of way the for what is coming onto his shoulders, I always fell in love with  a person in sort of way that became associated wth  my life, through the diverse parts of my life as an person with some sort of schizophenia, I relate to an old movie with the sniper fire from World War Two a lot, it was a war scnce in a Russian Sniper Hero defending a city in a battle storey and he fell in love with his best female sniper!It is just a thought, I am still a lonely Trooper!
So hewre I am on my second over night stay nat home, I do not know what to do at times, I knew could turn a decent bill working my tools, it was like my tools never could make money, but I certainly know how to used  my tools, them never could make m could never make money, I was just good at it as a schizo, perhaps some people hated it, I turning fifty  this year, got a grey hairs over too much sabotage! Funny how my Psychiatrist said I can be a real jurk at times, I agreed and told him ever since I stood up for the National Building Code , basically because I have been jurked around some much while trying to earn a living! I remember once I got an old friend through a semester in University when the recession was so bad the students could not get work soe their was no work paper work for loans and bursaries. I was looking for a man to work with over a over room contract I landed, we teamed up self employed on my contract for the summer and coworker got back to school in the fall. He said to me, where did you learn all this stuff that we were doing, And I responded this Canadian coast Guard papers, I wrote my 4th class stationary steam paper off my marine paper years back here in Quebec.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Just A Little Update
Here I am still part of the Hospital inpatient program, and slipped a bit on the ward with my anger. Someone on the ward sabotaged some of my personal preperty on the ward and I blew my cork and got put back on the closed side of the ward for a bit. I is like snakes and ladders a bit and I slid down my snakey angry path and I am now trying to work up the ladder for priviliges again on the ward. I cooled my jets a bit through talk therapy with the student Nurses that are doing their stages on the ward. I am also going to get to the hospital Dentist this week in the hospital to be seen by the student Dentists program in the Montreal General Hospital. As it turns out my Psychiatrist tols me to bit mytongue at my up coming Tribunal hearing to get out of hospital. Things are being handled professionally, for I also gave the hospital staff a copy of the credit card reciept that was left in my apartment during an illegal entrance. Like my Mum says to me, all things work out in the end with honesty.....till I get writing again for I must get back to my hospital ward...... May 18th 2010-Time passes quickly on the hospital ward and the Doctor said the staff is pround of how I control my anger on the ward, it can be very fustrating on a psychiatric ward. With being part of what the Allan hospital calls the Reinsertion program for inpatients we are kept busy. In the morning meeting for the group we all come up with a positive phrase and write it on the chaulk board, the phrase I came up this morning with was, walk in stride with the march of the day. Then we gathered in large room for a relaxation group. We limber up doing some stretching exercises then try to relax in silence for a bit, on the second leg of the relaxation group we listen to a relaxation tape. The various groups that we have while working with a Nurse, takes away the effect of being what is like a house arrest with not being allowed off hospital property until my review at the Tribunal at the end of the month, it is really stupid how I got arrested for supposing to harass a media personality. I just got to shut my mouth at the Tribunal and let the Angels of Mercy work for me at my hearing, so that I will be free again and not have to stay in hospital.  It is getting and I must be back oon the ward for 3 pm so I will sign off for now again.I wrote some things I should not have wrote about association to the Harper family, Which I retract and will erase when I find it, it came out the wrong way with anger due to PM Harper singling me out for comments which I am told I hallucinated. I just have these childhood memories of dealing with a Haper in the school yard amoung other things, sorry for the problems caused.
Update: May 27th 2010, here I am being patient as my second Tribunal hearing comes upon me. With all going well at this hearing after the hospital stay since January, I will be discharged on Monday May 31st 2010 with the blessings of the Tribunal. The Doctor and staff feel confortable with my state of mind right now, at least I admit I have a bit of an anger problem at this point in my life. I never ever thought that I would get arrested for anything, I guess I just approached the wrong person to be my art manager, and then try to charm the person. Nothing ever did seem to work out right for me ever since I became a person diagnosed with schizophrenia. I will be getting a new Doctor to work with if I indeed get discharged on the 31st. Part of my anger problem evolved from working with the last Doctor I had as an out patient, it is like she called me delusional for everything, hallucinating the class room at University, the coffee shop and like everything else inclusive of radio and TV. Then again I know better than thinking that way, I did not hallucinate the class room if I can pass the University course and order a coffee to drink and pay for it. With Dad passing away before Christmas, I got my work cut out for me to help take care of Mum with the likes of putting in her air conditioner and stuff like that. My Doctor suggested that I have my Mum come and vouch for me at the hearing on Monday, and Mum agreed to come to the hearing. I am back on injectable medication and only take the side effect medication for my Extra Paramidal Side Effects. Anyway we will see how it goes Monday and I just got to keep my cool at the hearing and I will be a free man again with getting discharged from the hospital, while maintaining my appointments for my injection every two weeks. so till later.....