Sunday, February 15, 2009
Here I sit the day after St. Valentines, it was a lonely day yesterday. For how many years now, I have been saying to myself, maybe next year. What did come out good from yesterday, was that I completed my final exam from last semester at University with my course extension due to being in hospital, and submitted it by email. The slander and deformation of character that goes around me is unreal. I worked hard to prepare for an art expo/sale at the hospital last week, and my attempt to sell some art was sabotaged. Someone started a rumour not to buy my art because I drink too much beer. How does anyone know what I consume in alcohol? I am totally fed up with being undermined with every thing that I do. The more people try and do me in, the more I draw closer to my God and Goddess in my theology class at University. The class has given me some interesting reading material and I have a lot of enthusiasm to learn and grow spiritually. Somehow I plan to become a religious Chaplin of some sort one day, as I find myself with my Godly values. I have had a lot of personal revelations over the years and they carry me through while not having much. Sure I have my apartment, but no one to share it with. I still spend too much time by myself. It is like I only have my Mum and Dad and they are getting older. The radio and TV are the only company I have in my solitude as I pursue my studies and art. I always spent most of my life by myself, and that was the main handicap with my schizophrenia, being alone all the time. At least my blog gives me an outlet and a forum to express my feelings. The time spent with my Psychiatrist does not amount to much, being a theology student is a conflict of interest dealing with psychiatry. When I phone my Nurse or Social Worker at the Hospital, they can not even call me back, thus I am totally fed up with them. My theology class gives me more answers that a Psychiatrist ever did. The fellow students at University are very supportive and compassionate towards my attempts to succeed on disability pension. It is very for filling being in school again and I would not give it up for the world. Between getting my school work done and picking up the pieces around my apartment after being in Hospital for two months keeps me busy. The dust that built up on everything is unbelievable, and I am still trying to get my kitchen fixed up right with the kitchen cupboards still needing painted. At one point I lost enthusiasm for writing my blog, but somehow I find the drive to keep writing. It is like all I know is shattered drams surrounding a big part of my life. I still dream of having money again one day, there are two vacations I would really like to take. First to go back to Scotland with a woman at my side, and feel the soil and pepples at a certain Church yard in Ayr. Then I would really like to walk the great wall of China for some reason. To feel the power of an ancient Empire and what they built would be something special, it is like a calling for me that has transpired over some time now. Yes of course part of that day dreaming is having a woman at my side again while walking the great wall. Like I always say to myself, may be next year, or the year after. I am getting older and I long for my companion in life again. That is what made St. Valentines Day so lonely, the only person I talked to was my Mother and that was for about thirty seconds. She is very busy with her Church activities and I know her prayers are with me, she always prayed for me as tried to succeed in life. Funny thing about the power of prayer, I find my own way with my prayers and it helps carry me through when there is not much else. So as with the image of this posting, a Lady's face watches over me in my home as I try and pick up the pieces of my life so that I do better than just a welfare budget. Later........
Posted by The Fly at 10:48 AM