Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Pursuing My Apparitions/Hallucinations for Twenty Years Pays it Debit Ends in Life
It is funny how the childhood pursuit of ghost stories really helped me with coping and dealing in my mind regarding my sightings of images that not all can see. When I first had these experiences it was in the early eighties when people in general were very closed minded about the supernatural or its close cousin of schizophrenia. What is what? Are some of us more proned to certain phenomena of the unknown and get diagnosed by mordern medicine as a person with schizophrenia. When I had my experiences that got me into psychiatry, when I spoke about it, people called me crazy any way. I was told that I should see a psychiatrist, no one wanted to deal with it as a bit of a ghost story and talk me through it as a friend. I was cast into isolation from the experiences that drove me even more crazy and acting eccentric. I was always trying to find an angle into the another realm or state of mind to be influenced some how with the power of internal prayer. Years later I have quite the list of tales from the crypt of things I have seen that others could not. Yes at certain times I could smell things that others could not, while on an even less occasion, hear a voice I totally can not explain. In a round about way they guided me through me believing in them on a rational level all my life. The teachings I got by watching and learning while developing a comprehensible relationship with the subject matter is irreplacible. It is funny how a Psychiatrist once said to me " Oh yea, you like playing with your hallucinations". Well what on earth else are you supposed to do with them, at least I try to figure something out of it all. In a way it was easy for my due to a lot of my apparitions/hallucinations were of the religous nature. The first one I ever drew as a reproduction is posted on my website at:
I have others drawn up in sketches that will become painted on canvas now that I am making a little bit more money and able to invest in my art. The Medical Professions here in Montreal that over saw me, never took much interest in what they deemed just hallucinations and not worthy of discussion, so much for the church and God in mordern science. Part of what held me together all these years is believing in something more than just the Psychiatrists, like the "apparitions/hallucinations" themselves that I experienced and what are they for. I always felt that there was more to it than just righting them off as hallucinations, here I am now finding my self total fulfilled in life in general while having my own type of glittering light show on the strings of my guitar when I am practicing my music. It is such a glorious high watching my colours of creation as I call them, coming and going in a guidance fashion while developing various technique on my guitar. It is the positive side off the subject matter where it does not harm any one and nobody would know unless I them them when it is happening. My spouse and I used to get comfortable snugging in bed together and I would meditate towards seeing the light, and when it came forth I would describe to her what I was seeing. I did one painting of one of these images I shared with her and it is now called the "Ugger Skulls". It is in the art show with Ami Quebec in their Out There magazine, a link is in my website as written above. I created a lot out of my "schizophrenic" approach to life in creative writing and now doing the artistic side of creativity m0re as a form of expression. Doing searches on the Internet I am still trying to find other images of paintings done by people with schizophrenia, based on actual "hallucinations". The search continues for this type of art that I would like to see, if anyone reading my blog knows where there are paintings shown on the Internet that are actual reproductions of "hallucinations" , e-mail me the link at firstname.lastname@example.org
Posted by The Fly at 8:34 p.m.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Physical Labour of My Job is Helping Me Loose My Coke & Pepsi Belly
It has been a month now that I have been holding down two clients while providing customized services to building owners doing cleaning and maintenance. The new client that owns several apartments buildings needs dwellings fixed up for re-rental with a new lease and other building repairs. The physical labour in my trade always kept me in good physical fitness with endurance muscle for my small phyique, that was initially built in my Canadian Coast Guard College physical fitness and endurance training for a rugby field, showing Canadian colours in sport. I even used to practice my work out every so often for a bit in local parks or when I was in hospital. I used to use the limited exercise equipment in recreation room in the psychiatric ward. The exercise mats and bicycle were put to good use, on higher phases on the ward I would bring my skipping rope from home for use in the rec room and the multi-layer parking lot of the hospital. I would even do chin ups on a overhead support I beam in the parking lot. An African/Canadian Nurse said to me in comment while taking my blood pressure and heart rate, that I sounded very strong and health with good pressure. I worked out every day and ate three square meals while practicing playing my guitar along with some art and creative writing. When I came out of hospital and put on Court ordered injections for medication at higher levels, I ended up sleeping most of two years away and using the computer for my art. My muscle when to flab and I developed quite the Coke and Pepsi belly from consuming them as a beverage during the day around the house. With the added part time work in my trade, my muscles have been getting a good work out again. My belly has shrunk and it is getting some of its ripples back that used it used to have. My upper shoulders are also showing the ripples too, every night after when I do work work, I feel the pain of my developing muscles again. I still sip on my cold Coke & Pepsi while working for the sugar intake while sweating it out in the Montreal summers doing physical labour for a living, which I throughly enjoy. With more money in the budget for the apartment and my spouse and I, we have been able to eat a bit better while we get to enjoy to small beer together for the high protein drink for my developing muscles. My Lady Love will have her little baby glass while I have one a little larger. Both glasses together empty a 341 ml bottle of beer, so we get two glasses each. I have my own medical herbal remedy to relax sore muscle and constipation caused by the medication, along with taking fish oil again for Omega 3 fatty acids for the brain. Now that I am only taking 2 mg of haloperidol, I have very little extra paramidal side effects. They struck one day while working when I was up a fifteen foot ladder. It rattled my nerves a bit but I made it through the day and skipped my medication for three nights to keep them at bay. My new boss/client gets on well with me and comments that I am a hard worker. Today, doing some grass cutting and gardening a passer buyer said my work really looked good, that I sould do it for the city. I ended up giving her my business card for her niece is looking to get someone to do similar work at a building. So I am gaining weight with muscle again and it always feels like getting off the rugby field of my youth in the evening. Maybe one day I will get close to the weight class I was in, when I graduated from the Canadian Coast Guard College, with some of the muscle back and a more flexible expanding mind for future endeavors.
Posted by The Fly at 10:32 p.m.