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Thursday, December 22, 2005

My Relationship Ends and We Live As Roommates
With time coming to pass, my spouse and I have drifted apart from having a relationship. There was always a lot of anger in the relationship on both our parts, sometimes Caroline's "Demons of Anger" proved to be more than I bargained for. I will always care for her in a multitude of ways and I hope that she continues to grow in the many ways that she has at my side. We had a very special love that seemed to get lost in the battling between our selves. I always wanted the best for Caroline and most of the time it was made very difficult for me to provide that. Somehow I feel that I must write a bit of a close to the creative works that I put together surrounding our love. She finds it hard due to her stating that she really loves me, I am discovering more about myself sleeping in a separate room, I seem to be getting more of my creative juices back while part of my Shaman instincts are coming forth once again. Caroline said, she has learned a couple of things about me since we no longer share a bed together. It would be hard to explain all that went wrong in the relationship, since I have been on the same medication levels that I was on when I met Caroline, I find myself having to come to terms with a lot of things in my head. Seven years seems like a long time to deal with each others personal Demons but we did grow in different directions, always trying not to argue with each other, we were always both left a bit dazed and confused. I really believed a lot in a future for Caroline and I as friends, as a couple it was like we were oddly matched, never bound to succeed together. I want her to have her prayers answered as I my own, as we resolve our separation. It is hard finding the words on how I feel, I sure that they will come in time. I promised her that I would come back and find her in my youth, which we did do, like she always used to say, I came back too late or I said she gave up looking for me too soon. As all comes to pass, we both personal grew from the relationship with our own anger always getting in the way of each other. I never set out to break her heart, the more we tried to grow closer, the more something came along to tear us apart. There is only so much you can take and one has to start thinking about their own personal well being, which is in effect what I started doing. What the future holds for us I do not know but I am lying low restructuring my thoughts about a lot of things that I got running through my head right now. I want to become that happy person again and not carry the anger in me, that stills brews inside of me from things that transpired while we were going together. I feel like time is on my side again and I have some personal rebuilding to do that I am presently taking upon myself. May the Gods and Goddesses watch over us as we both heal.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Tales From My Crypt At Canada's Parliament Building,
Apparition Or Hallucination
During my last twenty years studying my apparitions/hallucinations(a/h) with my science and engineering background, I am finding the significance in many different ways. I have had many a/h and they still go on, not damaging my life in any way, while the a/h have a positive creative influence over me and fulfilling my childhood search for some sort of spiritual belief system. The tale from my crypt, as I refer to my a/h, this time happen on one of a few excrusions to the Country's Capital City, Ottawa, Canada. I have no diary or log of the sightings happening. A lot of it is in my head, yet to be written and drawings made of the a/p, so I am getting it all out bit by bit through my blog and website at:
On my first or second visit to Ottawa when the diagnosis was given to me, I was still a angry man from how my life broke down and I was highly medicated, I often played with the medication levels through lowering them a bit while trying to work with Psychiatrists, as I tried accepting my own silent code of not talking about my a/h. Grant you, the anger I carried over drove into a searching psychotic state from not really knowing how to handle the a/p. My silent code served me well and now is the time for the revealing thoughts and images as I saw them in a semi-psychotic state, I had not learned how to pull out of that state in my early years with the ability to see a/h. I was in Ottawa somewhere in the time period between 1985 & 1990. Taking a tour of our Parliament Building and seeing where the senate sits. Along with other historical part of the Building, such as the hall/lobby where the past Kings and Queen of the United Kingdom are carved in stone on the stone work, in this particular place. Fascinated with the archcutechture, I stood meditating at the last uncarved stone for the Head of State from our ties to Great Britain. The reconizable light force I was growing used to, started coming forth on the stone. I witnessed a bushel of wheat on that uncarved stone leaving me with the conclusion at the time that the a/h had something to do with feeding the Canadian people somehow in a practical or philosophical manner. Funny how my life turned out being guided by a paranormal type experiences/schizophrenia. I am a Philanthropist at heart and searched out answers for my life, working in two different Worlds. One of the paranormal and one of normal every day life, I learned and so could others persons that live with similar schizophrenic issues. It has become a very broad term in the medical practice of today. Like a Psychiatrist said to me in the hospital parking lot, "There are many ways to deal with schizophrenia", I found my way over a twenty year period and what it has given me as an Artist/Writer/Engineering Technician is priceless. The price tag to learning what my life was all about has been worth it in many ways. I have another twenty years before I retire somehow, takes money to retire, which I am still working on to put something in place for my old age. Other tales from my crypt will be revealed in the future through my blog or website.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Writings By Persons With Schizophrenia Are Few And Far Between For Giving Insight Into Psychosis On The Internet
Now that I am not working as much in my trade as a building technician, due to the moving season being over here in Montreal, I am spending more time looking into what the web has to offer as insight into schizophrenia. I came across a website that had a Doctor in the Mental Health Practice confess that , out of all medical conditions, schizophrenia is the least written about by the patients of the illness on the Internet. She was encouraging persons with schizophrenia to get on the Internet and write their stories. Here is the link to her page,
It has the positive insight of giving Medical Professionals the lock of psychosis to unpick for future generations. There is a lot to be said about psychosis everywhere, the make up of the lock that becomes psychosis that is. Not so much to treat a person with talk therapy, along with educational material in reasoning to help the "Individual Person with Schizophrenia" rationalize ones own level of psychosis and what leads them there. In my case the pyschosis started developing from peer isolation due to me expressing views on my experiences in the nature of apparition/hallucinations of the visual nature. Apparently this is one of the rarer forms of schizophrenia, depending on how the individual can cope with the "hallucinations", some see friendly images that cause no harm while others are in torment to stop the not so friendly images. Same as in "auditory hallucinations", some are friendly while others are not. Mine own visual apparitions/hallucinations I analyzed with a background in science and engineering, which kept me on the more rational side of delusion so to write. The "sensory hallucinations" I have experience as well on one occasion. I relate this experience to be explained by Nova Scotia, Canada, folk lore I came across, as in to smell the Devil. What I smelt was not so pleasent and could be related to the smell of the Devil. I do believe in medication to help the "Individual Person with Schizophrenia" cope with the manestfestations but I believe we should not be over medicated at whim for lack of other resources to help us produce more effectively in life. I confess that I was drawn to mysticism from a young age and got my childhood ghost story I always wanted through my schizophrenia. Hence I am left under the assumption that the genetic Shaman make up is being past down through generations and coming out as a mordern day Metaphysician/Schizophrenic. Some of us can be quite talented in the arts as in the ancient Shamans of long ago, we evolved into Metaphysicians to hold society together in spirituality but got lost in schizophrenia and psychosis. What ever the case I have mystic roots by character which makes me happy with my schizophrenia, except for the stigma attached to it. For all of the reasons above, funding must somehow get to persons with schizophrenia for education in writing and the arts to help them express the inner jigsaw puzzle of the locks to psychosis, so more individuals can pick their own way out of delusion and live fruitful lives without stigma or isolation from schizophrenia. I pulled a post recently due to my wrong accusatuion against a Psychiatrist for spelling, it was my own mistake in spelling. A lot of my points were valid on how one with schizophrenia is treated. So here are some of the words I put together restructured to expose the anger and fustration that some of us have with the Mental Health Care System. A lot of the experiences I have had with Psychiatrists and their Medical Teams that treat the persons with schizophrenia they do it in a non serious fashion. You are left feeling talked down to, your endeavors are not important, it does not matter what facts are straight in your situation, your life is trivial to theirs because you are week of mind. You are not to be taken seriously because the "Medical Staff" see you as part delusional all the time. I know this feeling only too well, I interelate with a lot of normal people at times as a Engineering Technician, that do not know me as a "Shizophrenic". I am treated differently, you can feel the difference, in the same light, once a person becomes aware that you are "schizophrenic", he or she will start treating you slightly different. Like you need tobe watched over or somthing. I could go on and on about it, it is just one of the many bitter links in the ball and chain of Psychiatry.
Reading On The Internet Has Given Me Understanding Of My Survival with Schizophrenia
I always tried to relate to myself, in my process of self psycho-analysis, why I survived better than some others in psychiatry that I know who deal with schizophrenia. With reading up on schizophrenia and mysticism on the Internet, I have found a very interesting article on the subject by Sandra Stahlman. Her writings on the subject can be found at: It is interesting how Sandra writes "...This expansion of the self, often referred to as loss of self, may not be beneficial for someone who does not have a "strong" sense of self to begin with. To these people, a mystical experience can be frightening and confusing, to say the least. " I relate to this phrase very closely because I have a very stong sense of myself, I feel my up bringing by my parents has a lot to do with this, in adolencences I got bedside stories of Robert the Bruce never giving up to lead his people as King of Scotland, in my teenage age years I got stories from my Father about how Scottish Engineers in World War Two got the reputation of getting machinery up and running in battlefield situations against all odds. With my Scottish heritage in hand and by applying my Engineering logic instilled in me during my Canadian Coast Guard Training, I took on my altered mystical states of consciousness during apparitions/hallucinations with a vigor of adventure, while learning what the other side holds to teach me in these states of pre-psychosis. Over the years I learned how to go into these altered mystical states willingly and come out of it with no lingering psychosis. No one was there to teach or guide me with ways to do this. You learn the hard way through applying logic, of when to pull out of the altered mystical states, leaving your thinking process from that time frame of altered state, as being part of the mystical experience. Grant you, during this time frame that one goes into this altered state of consciousness, if observed you are deemed psychotic. Well, if you are applying Shaman type antics during your alter state like my self, you would seem crazy to any observer. The trick is ,if you enjoy the experience of altered states of mind, that can lead to psychosis and treatment for schizophrenia, you have to learn how to come out of the altered state of mind and start living the reality of the "normal" once again. It did not come easily to me, it took years of meditation and learning, going through hospitalizations for acting different during my Shaman antics in my altered state. The best way for me to go into altered states of consciousness now, is to stay away from people who would observe me as crazy, locking my myself in my apartment and do what I do with my Shaman's Metaphysical objects of ritual and belief. Unfortunately, I now have a spouse that would worry, if I was to do it now and more than likely she would feel a lack of understanding for my motives and actions during this type of period dealing with my Shaman antics. This type of balance of knowing your Shaman antics look crazy to most, if not everyone, leaves you not wanting to upset those around you. My spouse and I joke that we need a large house, where I could have my corner to indulge myself in my altered states of consciousness, not interfering with anyone else's every day life of the "norm". Ritual and prayer is very common in our society but when one creates his own odd looking rituals and prayers to fulfill the Shaman type tendencies found in schizophrenia, the individual is deemed psychotic. Then again, how many people with schizophrenia actually enjoy these mystical altered states of being? Then there is point of learning to pull out of it and start living a normal life where you would not be considered crazy upon observation. During these time lapses in another state of being, a oneness with everything around you is there, I have witnessed many an occurrence that defies engineering logic. Knowing this at the time of an "occurrence" of the para-normal in the altered state, it always lead me on to mind expanded thoughts about the subject. From Greek, "para" means beside, thus using the phrase "besides normal" one is left open to deduct that it is normal to bounce between "normal" and "para-normal" through altered states of mystical consciousness. The problem lies in breaking out of that semi-psychotic mystical state and return to the "norm" with out hospitalization and medication administered by a Psychiatrist. It can be done for I have done it, learned things come out of it depending how you handle it and what you do with it. From madness to genius, schizophrenia to Shaman antics, it can be a very humbling experience that so very few get to experience and control on limited amounts of anti-psychotic medication.It is in persons with schizophrenia to try and save something or the World, to be the "Savour" etc, first they have to learn how to save themselves from the pyschosis of the mystical state, that can come to the individual with the common genetic structure of schizophrenia. From Shaman to Metaphysician, the calling is in most persons with schizophrenia who are not afraid of their altered mystical states of consciousness.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

A Day In Hospital Back in 1985, According To My Copy of My Hospital File
Well here I am amusing myself with a copy of my Hospital file which I obtained years ago, I fished it out of a storage container of self employment records and processed tax returns. Finding myself looking for a day to refer to for writing about, I am looking in the section pertaining to my first hospitalization here in Montreal, I am picking a day where I can make out what is written for a day's entry, so to correctly transcribe without mistakes. The day as written is 85-3-23, the first entry is at 06:30, a signature before shift change. Well I spent the night sleeping and got up for breakfast like everyone else. The second entry is at 15:00, a signature once again before shift change. Well, what did I do all day? The third entry for the day is at 23:00, a signature once again, then another entry for 23:00 in a different hand writing which quotes me as saying <"I have been lying-my thoughts aren't changed. I will prove what I saw-do they use hypnosis here for memory-do you know psychokenssis-that is what I need". Talking rapidly-pacing corridor-interacting with other patients to play backgammon only. >Then a scribble I can not make out and a signature of the nurse. Well,Lordy, Lordy, Lordy my friend, now is my version and expanded a bit to explain a day in hospital. Rise and shine for patients is some where around 07:00 or so for the early risers preparing for breakfast. According to the hospital file I was on phase one, only allowed pajamas or hospital gown. When breakfast arrives we all get fed on the ward, then off to the smoke room for the after meal cigarette for the smokers like my self. Being on phase one you are not allowed to leave the ward. The morning usually consisted of pacing the corridor from agitation as a result of medication, you could not sit for long to try and do something, there was not much to do any way.Patients would play cards but I was never much of a card player, I preferred the likes of backgammon and chess. So I guess I played some backgammon according to the hospital file. Then again, I remember ending up playing chess with a male Pakistani Nurse in the meal room when it was possible for him to play with me. Not too many patients played chess, some played backgammon, usually card games. It was like I had to play card games to be normal or it was a problem that I only wanted to play backgammon according to the hospital file. Anyway, back to the day in the hospital, Doctors rounds are done in the morning, not much else goes on. If you are not slated for a visit from the Doctor, you have nothing to do except pace the corridor or what ever. So I guess I did not see the Doctor that day because there is not a entry by one commenting on my needs. Lunch would then come and go as the day moves on. In the afternoon sometime, patients that were not allowed to leave the ward on there own, would be escorted to Occupational Therapy where you could do some art or make things from the supplies at hand. Making cigarette ashtrays was always popular. O.T . was for aa hour and then the likes of me would be escorted back to the hospital ward to pace the corridor until supper was brought to us. Obviously I spoke to a Nurse during the evening shift due to the entry I transcribed. My thoughts still have not changed twenty years later, regarding what I saw, my apparition/hallucination is posted on my website at under Hallucination or Religious vision. They never spoke to me about it in the hospital to quell the emotions from the experience, it was like the drug treatment would solve everything for me , even although no one wanted to talk to me about it. Regarding hypnosis, well it was a way of trying to prove to the hospital staff what I saw, they would not believe anything I said. As to psychokennisis, coming from kennetic energy in physics but dealing with the mind as in psycho, I ended up reading a lot of material on this subject over twenty years as I came to terms dealing with my apparitions/hallucinations. The rest of the entries during this hospital stay, are all referring to me as dillusional regarding for example, I wanted to get the message to Government, what because I wanted to reveal my apparitions/hallucination to someone and not keep it up bottled inside of myself, like as having been Government trained in the Coast Guard maybe the Government would know what to do with the story of the apparition/halluncination. No sorry, I was dilusional for wanting to tell my story to someone in Government. I since have ,by e-mail and by being part of political parties occasionally over a twenty year span. My thoughts about my life, that I was condemned dilusional for, by the Hospital, have not changed and I have become more of a mystic under their suppression, of over sedating me for no reason, only because they could not handle talking to me about the issues at hand at the time.

Monday, October 17, 2005

"On Assignment" News Report On Mental Health Treatment In Montreal Backs Up What I Write In My Blog
Sunday evening proved to be interesting when watching television, the On Assignment program after the news did a special on mental health consumers and the system we deal with in Montreal. The result of watching the program has left me driven even more with desire to reveal my story to make the mental health system a better place for future people that need help in this capacity. The news report that I watched dealt with the sad ending of the lives of persons coping with schizophrenia because of suicide. Two of the cases mentioned really affected me, due to having "served time" in the Montreal General Hospital's psychiatric ward with them in the passed. It left me thinking, one out of three schizophrenics survive the Montreal General Hospital! It is not very good odds for justification of treatment in the manner in which the Psychiatrists insist on treating persons with schizophrenia. Grant you, one of the persons mentioned in the news cast died from suicide during care at another Montreal Hospital, I am positive I know this person in particular from a hitch together at the Montreal General Psych ward, we can get around different hospitals looking for answers. Here I am left writing my beefs about the treatment plan always administered to me, at times of excessive medication levels, I too thought and consinplated suicide as a way out. No one ever talked to me about the issues at hand, it is a one way conversation in psychiatry, patient talks, then gets the appropriate medication administered for treatment. If you do not voluntary take the medication you will be strapped to a bed and have it injected into you. Then left alone pumped full of drugs and strapped to a bed with no one to talk to about the issues at hand. The only time you will really get to see any one is when it is meal time and you are brought a meal. The straps will be loosened a bit so you can eat, after the meal staff will come to tighten the straps again when you are done eating. This way you can not get out of the straps. I learned to slowly work the re-tightening of the straps so each time I got a bit more play so I could worm my way out of the bed straps. Then I would go ask the staff for a cigarette and they would be wondering who let me out of the bed strapping. This can be a typical situation in the Hospital emergency psychiatry, I went through it many a time. No one would talk to you about your schizophrenic issues that got family members to put you in Hospital for treatment, soon you would be moved up to the ward for your Psychiatric Hotel room for observation by camera for example, still nobody would talk to you about the issues that got you in hospital again in the first place. Being a happy go lucky type of guy by natural character, I was always having the gift to gab on the ward. My intelligence would get other patients thinking and as it was put to me, I talk too much according to a Head Nurse. I responded, "well if you do not like what you see in me, pump me full of drugs to shut me up then". So they did, I was made more of a zombie for being a disturbance on the ward. All I was doing was having fun communicating with other patients and got them thinking. Still, no Nurse talked to me about why I was in Hospital other than,me going off my medication or self medicating as not to be one of their walking zombies. To this day, no one in psychiatry has discussed my apparitions/hallucinations with me, I figured out how to handle them on my own over twenty years. Perhaps you now have an answer for why persons with schizophrenia turn to suicide, I have thought about it my self but always reasoned my self away from it when the system made me a walking zombie with treatment. Talk to me, talk to me is the cry from the "schizophrenic", talk me through these issues!! You get drug therapy instead, left lonely, isolated, frustrated, too medicated to think clearly and only other patients to talk to, then you are are discharged into some care givers hands who puts a roof over your head. This is where you sit around a house medicated, chain smoking, drinking coffee or tea all day, having no money for anything, one thing leads to another and you start looking for a way out, as in suicide. This is the basic type of treatment I have been exposed to for twenty years, I beat the odds, reflecting why, having an education before entering the mental health system and having worn a Canadian uniform in my past, the soldier in me would not give up fighting for what I wanted for my life.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Other Medical Problems Occurring as a Result of Psychiatric Medication
From the practical side of taking medication, we are all advised that there may be side effects related to consumption of our prescriptions. Some more serious than others, thus needing specialized care. This entry in my blog is going to deal with the side effects and possible side effects of my medication over l0ng and short term use. The older anti psychotic drugs such as Haldol then to cause muscle contractions in the body along with involuntary body movements. These types of conditions can be referred to as Extra Pyramidal Side Effects. These can effect people in different ways and parts of the body depending on the individual. In my case I always went through muscle contractions in the lower extremities of my torso, from my buttock through out my intestinal region. My spouse, when I first met her, noticed the flexing of the butt cheek muscles at different times. My uncontrollable muscle contractions at work, periodical coming about. Depending on the amount of medication administered to me, controls the frequency and severity of the Extra Pyramidal Side Effects (EPSE) . Even during the years I was self medicating at low dosages and working, I had slight EPSE in my buttock and intestinal region. Constipation was n0t really an issue when I was young but now it is while tolerating the muscle contractions in the same region. It was really bad when I was on Court ordered injections of medication for two years. Near the end of this this time period or while on higher levels of pills, I started getting a lot of blood in my bowel movement. At the time, I got scared by the amount of blood and pursued getting urgent treatment through the Psychiatric Out Patient Clinc attached to the Montreal General Hospital. Through the family medicine Doctor at the Clinic and Emergency, I received excellent follow up in the Gastroenterology Department. As it turned out, a year ago, I was treated for hemorrhoids and polyps. The hemorrhoids were tied with a new procedure, while the polyps were removed and a biopsy done for cancer. By the the grace of the Gods and Goddesses they were not cancerous. With discussions with the Doctor in Colostomy, I learned that the polyps are an out pouching on the wall lining of the colon, which is part of the intestines. With the regular constipation, the rubbing of the hard excretment against the wall lining of the intestinal track, agitated by the EPSE in the region, could be a cause for the polyps. I had thirteen polyps removed a year ago and five today through a yearly treatment plan to monitor the condition. In a month I will get the biopsy results again and a chance to discuss the situation more with the Doctor. With the short meeting with the Doctor before discharge from the Colostomy Clinic, he seems to be under the inclination that I am one prone to getting polyps as an individual. In the closer discussions in a month I will bring up the fact that I know another person with schizophrenia about my age, that has had long term treatment of antipsychotics with muscle contractions in the same relevant region of the body as me, who has gastrointestinal intestinal problems as well. It is a whole new type of issue brought on by schizophrenia that I have to deal with, I just wonder how the Doctor that I see in Colostomy will feel enlighten with this information when I tell him? Are there many other people with schizophrenia that have been under long term care with antipsychotic medication, that have gastrointestinal intestinal problems too? E-mail me if any one reading my blog has any information regarding this issue or is in the same situation,
The second issue relating to side effects of antipsychotics is blurred vision, as a result of taking medication for muscle contractions and/or EPSE. The higher the side effect medication level for serverity of EPSE, the more the vision becomes impaired with reading capabilities. To compensate for the vision impairment, one has to has to find the right strength of reading glasses from the Dollar Store or Pharmacy. In my case while I was on the Court ordered injections, as my vision started to go with having to consume Kemadrin or Cogenten, I had to invest in reading glasses. I have had prescriptions for both drugs over the years, I forget which one I was taking during the Court Ordered injections, but they both blurr the vision proportional to consumption. At first I started using+125 reading glasses. As the side effect medication built up in my system my impairment got worse so that I worked up to +325 reading glasses. During this time period my parents were quite concerned for my sight and strongly urged me to get my eyes checked by a Optometrist. I took up the issue with my Psychiatrist, who always insisted more on my eyes degenerating because of my age. Eventually I was checked by the Ophthalmolgy Department from the hospital. The reading glasses I was using at the time of the visit to the clinic, were a bit stronger than what I needed upon examination, my eyes would ajust to the small difference. The Doctors in Ophthalmology agreed that my eyes were not damaged and the medication was the most probable cause of my vision impairment. Now that I am consuming a lower medication limit of my antipsychotic prescription and not requiring side effect medication, my vision is more or less coming back to me. In two stages I have dropped down to +175 reading glasses for most reading, while still using +225 for that very fine print. I am hoping that my eyes will adjust to the weaker lens as they would the stronger lens. It makes you wonder how long it takes to get a drug out of your system to get your vision back, it has been just about four months since I have taken any side effect medication. I am able to start making out more and more on the computer screen without looking through the glasses on my nose. At present, I am always beating up my glasses at work, the Dollar Store glasses do not have the strength built into the frame to last on the job with physical labour. Especially when you wear them around your neck on a string to have them on and off at easy, so you can see what you are doing at different distances. I keep a good quality pair of reading glasses from the Pharmacy to go out dressed with my spouse, while using the same magnification from the Dollar Store for work. It was always a pronouced concern of mine due to being an artist and requiring my eyes to produce, also well and improving so that is all for now.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Pursuing My Apparitions/Hallucinations for Twenty Years Pays it Debit Ends in Life
It is funny how the childhood pursuit of ghost stories really helped me with coping and dealing in my mind regarding my sightings of images that not all can see. When I first had these experiences it was in the early eighties when people in general were very closed minded about the supernatural or its close cousin of schizophrenia. What is what? Are some of us more proned to certain phenomena of the unknown and get diagnosed by mordern medicine as a person with schizophrenia. When I had my experiences that got me into psychiatry, when I spoke about it, people called me crazy any way. I was told that I should see a psychiatrist, no one wanted to deal with it as a bit of a ghost story and talk me through it as a friend. I was cast into isolation from the experiences that drove me even more crazy and acting eccentric. I was always trying to find an angle into the another realm or state of mind to be influenced some how with the power of internal prayer. Years later I have quite the list of tales from the crypt of things I have seen that others could not. Yes at certain times I could smell things that others could not, while on an even less occasion, hear a voice I totally can not explain. In a round about way they guided me through me believing in them on a rational level all my life. The teachings I got by watching and learning while developing a comprehensible relationship with the subject matter is irreplacible. It is funny how a Psychiatrist once said to me " Oh yea, you like playing with your hallucinations". Well what on earth else are you supposed to do with them, at least I try to figure something out of it all. In a way it was easy for my due to a lot of my apparitions/hallucinations were of the religous nature. The first one I ever drew as a reproduction is posted on my website at:
I have others drawn up in sketches that will become painted on canvas now that I am making a little bit more money and able to invest in my art. The Medical Professions here in Montreal that over saw me, never took much interest in what they deemed just hallucinations and not worthy of discussion, so much for the church and God in mordern science. Part of what held me together all these years is believing in something more than just the Psychiatrists, like the "apparitions/hallucinations" themselves that I experienced and what are they for. I always felt that there was more to it than just righting them off as hallucinations, here I am now finding my self total fulfilled in life in general while having my own type of glittering light show on the strings of my guitar when I am practicing my music. It is such a glorious high watching my colours of creation as I call them, coming and going in a guidance fashion while developing various technique on my guitar. It is the positive side off the subject matter where it does not harm any one and nobody would know unless I them them when it is happening. My spouse and I used to get comfortable snugging in bed together and I would meditate towards seeing the light, and when it came forth I would describe to her what I was seeing. I did one painting of one of these images I shared with her and it is now called the "Ugger Skulls". It is in the art show with Ami Quebec in their Out There magazine, a link is in my website as written above. I created a lot out of my "schizophrenic" approach to life in creative writing and now doing the artistic side of creativity m0re as a form of expression. Doing searches on the Internet I am still trying to find other images of paintings done by people with schizophrenia, based on actual "hallucinations". The search continues for this type of art that I would like to see, if anyone reading my blog knows where there are paintings shown on the Internet that are actual reproductions of "hallucinations" , e-mail me the link at

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Physical Labour of My Job is Helping Me Loose My Coke & Pepsi Belly

It has been a month now that I have been holding down two clients while providing customized services to building owners doing cleaning and maintenance. The new client that owns several apartments buildings needs dwellings fixed up for re-rental with a new lease and other building repairs. The physical labour in my trade always kept me in good physical fitness with endurance muscle for my small phyique, that was initially built in my Canadian Coast Guard College physical fitness and endurance training for a rugby field, showing Canadian colours in sport. I even used to practice my work out every so often for a bit in local parks or when I was in hospital. I used to use the limited exercise equipment in recreation room in the psychiatric ward. The exercise mats and bicycle were put to good use, on higher phases on the ward I would bring my skipping rope from home for use in the rec room and the multi-layer parking lot of the hospital. I would even do chin ups on a overhead support I beam in the parking lot. An African/Canadian Nurse said to me in comment while taking my blood pressure and heart rate, that I sounded very strong and health with good pressure. I worked out every day and ate three square meals while practicing playing my guitar along with some art and creative writing. When I came out of hospital and put on Court ordered injections for medication at higher levels, I ended up sleeping most of two years away and using the computer for my art. My muscle when to flab and I developed quite the Coke and Pepsi belly from consuming them as a beverage during the day around the house. With the added part time work in my trade, my muscles have been getting a good work out again. My belly has shrunk and it is getting some of its ripples back that used it used to have. My upper shoulders are also showing the ripples too, every night after when I do work work, I feel the pain of my developing muscles again. I still sip on my cold Coke & Pepsi while working for the sugar intake while sweating it out in the Montreal summers doing physical labour for a living, which I throughly enjoy. With more money in the budget for the apartment and my spouse and I, we have been able to eat a bit better while we get to enjoy to small beer together for the high protein drink for my developing muscles. My Lady Love will have her little baby glass while I have one a little larger. Both glasses together empty a 341 ml bottle of beer, so we get two glasses each. I have my own medical herbal remedy to relax sore muscle and constipation caused by the medication, along with taking fish oil again for Omega 3 fatty acids for the brain. Now that I am only taking 2 mg of haloperidol, I have very little extra paramidal side effects. They struck one day while working when I was up a fifteen foot ladder. It rattled my nerves a bit but I made it through the day and skipped my medication for three nights to keep them at bay. My new boss/client gets on well with me and comments that I am a hard worker. Today, doing some grass cutting and gardening a passer buyer said my work really looked good, that I sould do it for the city. I ended up giving her my business card for her niece is looking to get someone to do similar work at a building. So I am gaining weight with muscle again and it always feels like getting off the rugby field of my youth in the evening. Maybe one day I will get close to the weight class I was in, when I graduated from the Canadian Coast Guard College, with some of the muscle back and a more flexible expanding mind for future endeavors.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Being Back To Work Has Been Major Moral Booster
While being on disability pension it is easy to to start working slowly self employed, I am still on a trail period with my Boss as he discovers my capabilities. He owns quite a few buildings here in Montreal, with one in close proximity to where I live, thus making it easier for transporting my tools to the work site. I was always good with a tool in my hand, starting from my youth with my Tinker Toy and Meccano set. It evolved into buying a used ten speed bicycle to rebuild and maintain, then the Coast Guard College studying Marine Engineering. I went through a lot trying to work and have a future as a Tradesperson in Quebec at the Coast Guard. My Boss questioned the Government Welfare system and why all the money is needed there, I responded to his statement with "you know my background, I am a sample of how the system works." I was more open to my Boss about my schizophrenia issues earlier. I had told him in conversation that I was trying to get off disability pension with explaining my situation a bit. I always worked at keeping my hand at my Trades while educating my self at CEGEP in Engineering Tecnology. At this point in my life I do not regret much, I am a compatant Tradesman with my Internet art at: . I do not get much time at present to do my art, I am always getting my tools ready for the next day and organized as I sort through my tool boxes again with putting them to work. I got the job through an ad in the Montreal Gazette's classifieds. The ad was asking for a part time worker for maintenance in buildings, so we will see how it goes for now, I will get back to this posting to write more about working while on medication.
When I first came back from the East Coast I ended up going through a rehabilitation process within my self, while being in a post hos[pitalization day program. I wanted to work again some day, while I new I had to rebuild my my skills as a person that was well educated before dealing with the schizophrenic issues of the paranormal. Psychiatry never accepted my approach to the relavent subject matter as the paranormal. For example, while in the day center attending a art therapy session, I did my first apparition/hallucination in art after practicing with the different mediums in the art therapy session. I drew my first master piece inspired by a Godly force, which I witnessed in some illuminated photons from a sun beam, while in a holding cell for accusations of being being anti Pope back in 1984 during the Papal visit. His Holyness Pope John Paul came to me somehow as part of a vision which I later figured to being about mankind and faith. When I drew it in art therapy in the day center I even wrote a message to the attending Psychiatrist about it. The Psychiatrist was of the Jewish faith and I see him now as a brillient Religious Philosopher with a Psychiatric slant or a stupid idiot. I do not know which. I always wanted answers about my vision which I got over a twenty year span. So the brillient Jewish Psychiatrist played the hallucination card to let me figure out my own vision, the price of intelligence!!! After the day center I went into the Preperation For Work Program which is affilliated with the English Montreal School Board and the Canadian Federal Government to get people into the work force again. As I worked in arranged training programs in my field of work as a tradesperson, I soon learned I had to learn a whole lot over again from not having my hand at work and forgetting things that make the job easy. My first job that I had as an apprentise electromechanic proved very difficult with the Psychiatrist's medication levels. I used to get home from work and fall asleep in the bath soaking to get the greese off my arms and hands. Then I would wake up and not be able to sleep , hence I would sleep in and be late for work. It took me twenty years to build my working mans body to preform on the the job while consuming medication and I am proud of what I have accomplished.I found that I had a lot to learn and rebuild on psychiatric medication which I did. I will post more about this subject with working on medication in other postings.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

It has been a great spring into summer
on low dosages of a generic form of haldol
Since I have made arrangements to get away from being treated at the Out Patient Clinic attached to the Montreal General Hospital, I have maintained my psychological stability while consuming 2mg of haloperidol, the generic form of haldol. Nobody around me finds a problem with living or socializing with me, while I still have the encounters with seeing my seven colours of creation along with religious apparitions/hallucinations. Finding myself waking up early and having a productive day with my endeavors with my art and working self employed around buildings doing maintenance. I only skip taking my medication when I have an onslaught of extra paramidal side effects in the morning hours after I get up, then I will not take any pills that night to control the EPSE. With being in good mental state and holding on to my good personal moral with desire to succeed with things I take upon my self, I know my finances will get better. In the last forty days since responding to the Out Patient Clinic, from them telling me if I do not like the treatment to go else where, I have been more productive around the house and never sleep during the day unless it is a afternoon snooze on the couch in extreme heat and humidity. Feeling in shape to take on more work I have faxed a proposal from my company to maintain and clean a new small condominium project close to my home. I even got involved in a moving contract and landed the painting of the apartment after the original painting team had to cancel. As the seniors get settled in a bit, I will be going back to paint with my buddy who has worked with me before. I have been more or less working on and off depending on my situation for twenty years now, while on various levels of medication. Still, I was not to be really believed by the General's Out Patient Clinic, regarding my knowledge and expertise as a licensed tradesperson in the Province of Quebec. A Nurse at the Clinic even went to the point of trying to tell me what I am allowed to do with my apprentice maintenance electricity license around buildings. I went through quite a few hospitalizations standing up for the Canadian National Building Code and what was not proper renovations in the building where my girl friend lived. It was like it was easier for people to phone 911 and get me out of the way by getting me put in hospital, than admitting that I knew what I was talking about and getting the techical problems in the building getting rectified. The Montreal General Hospital just treated me as dullusional and pumped me full of anti-psychotic, not ever verifying what I had to say. Another situation that got me really fustrated was when I shared a creative e-mail with the staff at one of my follow up appointments at the Clinic. I had become creative in a e-mail to a friend, the writing was simulated through an exercise in the art group at the Clinic which is animated by a person from the English Montreal School Board. The Psychiatrist could not understand what I had written and seemed to be dazed and confused after reading the e-mail in question about the brain, it reads as follows:
Hey you pavement pounding urban soldier, have you checked recently if your left soul is worn a bit more than your right, or vise versa. If there is anything to having a left and right side of the brain, can you have a left and right side of your soul too. I do not know which side of my brain is working better right now? I have conflicting reports from the center of my brain, that the left side of my brain containing my engineering logic has gone through some theological evolution. Which inspired the right creativity side to imagine the left and right side of the soul playing chess in an endless battle of consciousness. Where it gets confusing, is where the subconscious wants in on some of the action by wanting to over see the center of the brain to balance its whistle blowing of the mind. How do I explain this to my Psychiatrist in layman's terms, any idea?
All the staff members present at my appointment read what I had written, the top dog Psychiatrist was the only one that did not understand what I had written, yet I am supposed to submit myself to his treatment of higher medication levels or a different type of injection to control my EPSE. Enough is enough, I see another Psychiatrist at a local Clinic near the end of July to get my presciption and hopefully have some interlectual conversations surrounding the subject matter of my apparitions/hallucinations. Stand by for completion of this post, I have had trouble getting my postings up without loosing my writings. While I was not making back to having started working in my trade as a Building Techician, I have decided to start a new post with more positive aspects of survival in psychiatry.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

It Has Been A While Since I Wrote, So Here Is Why
Since my last posting at the end of April, I have been busy making sure that my art on the internet is not too easily stolen by printing, saving to disk or hard drive, or e-mailed with out my permission. After all, it is my art and if it is used for money making purposes, I should get something out of it. Then there was the other side of my life, dealing with medication levels, so I would not have to suffer the Extra Pyramidal Side Effects. With my science and engineering back ground, I am aware of the concept of upper and lower limits. It is used in many applications within the engineering field. During my years trying to earn a living as an electromechanic, I always self medicated at lower medication limits so I could produce on the job as effectively as possible. I have letters of recommendations from old employers from this time period. I must have being doing something right, but the psychiatrist was perscribing medication at upper medication limits, making it impossible for me to function at peak performance. So I self medicated, down from his levels of prescribing anti-psychotic. Once again recently, I ended up battling out the stupidity of the Montreal General Hospital, with them always wanting upper medication limits for me, so I can not function and suffer Extra Pyramidal Side Effects. The Psychiatrist told me, I more or less have to accept the side effects it is par for the course. The first experience I had with this type of treatment, was during my first hospitalization at the Montreal General Hospital, after returning to Montreal, troubled with my para-normal experiences that I was exposed to on the east coast of Canada. It was all drug treatment, if you spoke to a nurse about any thing, they would rush at the end of the shift, trying to write all the events of the shift in the various files. An example of a really stupid entry into my hospital file, (I gained access to my hospital file at one point) is basically as follows. I was being discharged from the hospital for the first time and receiving an injection of anti-psychotic medication, during my injection, I had said to the nurse as a old sailor from the Canadian Coast Guard," Finally, my ship is going to set sail again". A small philosophical statement about getting out of hospital, that was it! In turn, the nurse wrote a whole paragraph on how I was so dillusional as judged from my statement. The attending psychiatrist had told my mother at this time, that I would amount to nothing but a disfunctional person with schizophrenia. In laymans terms, they did not care what happened to me, I was a lost cause at 25 years old. So I got out of hospital, when the injection kicked in, I would just lay in bed all day, too drugged to do anything. When I did try and feed my self, I would have drools running off my lips as I was making my lunch. My mother finally got fed up with the situation and layed into the Psychiatrist on the phone, with all the anger of a true Scottish Mother, concerned for her son's health. Twenty years later I still carry my mother's anger from this time, plus my own anger for the abuse that was administered to me by Psychiatrist insisting on upper medication levels for treatment. From my experience, the Doctors all stick together like glue. If you complain to a General Practitioner about how the Psychiatrist is treating you , he will not he involved. The Psychiatrist knows best. Like now, I was told that if I do not like the treatment, find another psychiatrist. So that is what I am doing now, trying to find a Psychiatrist that values engineering logic when applied by a patient who whats to succeed and not lay in bed all day drugged out while experiencing Extra Paramidal Side Effects. Right now I am taking 2mg of Haloperidol after supper, no side effect or constipation medication is required. Either my spouse or I, mark the calendar when I take the medication, while I only skip days when I have an onslaught of the Extra Paramidal Side Effects. Going back to what I wrote about my Psychiatrist telling my Mother I would amount to nothing but a disfunctional person with schizophrenia, if I had always listened to the medical staff that over saw me, I would have amounted to nothing and lived on welfare, heavily medicated all my life. I fought the system with all my best shots and the Montreal General Hospital with there Out Patient Psychiatric Clinic make themselves out to be idiots all the time. For example, when the Psychiatrist that treated me last when I was in hospital, put the court order on me for injections, there was a conflict of interest and justice was not served properly. The first Law Firm that I went to get help to present me in the court house, could not do so, due to the Law Firm holding accounts with the hospital at the time. Then my second pick for a Law Firm took me on. Then at the court house I found out that the Doctor, that I was in Court against, was good buddies with my Lawyer. They socialized together out side the office, it was a conflict of interest!!! Who was served the best interests, certainly not me. The Psychiatrist that treated me under the court order could not even see how it was a conflict of interest.
Once again he started to lean towards more medication for my prescription when I brought this conflict of interest up. Just like the over seeing medical staff always wants me on another injection where they can control the medical level. It is like the Medical Faculty that runs a lot of Montreal teaching in medicine can not accept that Doctor Goober Modesty can be productive, have a good home life, enjoy people and in turn have people enjoy me in conversation, while taking 2mg of anti-psychotic medication to stay out of hospital. The only ones that gain from the psychiatric treatment that I know, is the pharmaceutical Companies, and the Doctors and Nurses getting their pay cheques, to ensure I am too drugged to work while Provincial Government Welfare fits the bill for my rent and food. If any one whats to challenge me on this hospital type bashing , feel free to contact me , I will send you excerpts from my hospital file to back my self up. So that may be, the world of shizophrenia will become something better for the next person getting trapped in the system with the diagnoses of schizophrenia. Which reminds me, I should get another updated copy of my hospital file, it has become so big and fat with scribbles that you usually have a hard time reading to make out. Stay tuned for more hospital bashing, if this is the only way the McGill Medical Teaching Facility will learn to listen or read a person with schizophrenia correctly, so be it!!!

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Paragraphs on Doctor Goober Modesty's Present Status
With this session of writing in my blog, I thought that I would write various paragraphs pertaining to situations I am faced with along with related thoughts. Compared to the usually tales from the crypt of my experiences, with the present status of my life I am left a bit confused about the reality that I live in, as I relate in the following writings with there topic heading.
Here I am approximately five and a half months into being on pills, compared to court ordered injections. As a short review of my life on the court ordered injections and how I ended up on them, here it is. I was in hospital on a court order based on false information that got back to my parents while being judged wrongly by them. They were always told by the medical system that I was a person with schizophrenia and required medication at all times, more or less at what ever the cost. With my loving parents being who they are, they were more prone to listening to the medical profession, than understanding the shaman part of me. With their concern over my situation off medication and where I was living in a rooming house, fueled by lies, slander and bastardization of truths that got back to their ears, I was hospitalized on a court order. I started to find being in hospital a bit of a joke, as I evolved in the psychiatric system. It is like a constant challenging battle to survive on as little medication as possible while on under professional care. For example, at night the nursing staff is reduced while the patients are supposed to be sleeping, if you can not sleep for what ever reason, sleeping pills are always made readily available to ensure the patient sleeps at night. Ok, we all have times that we can n0t induce sleep on our self, does a sleeping pill always have to be the answer, of course not! I always ended up in a bit of a struggle with the staff to buy time before taking the sleeping pill, by insisting that I wanted to drink my "sleep easy tea" first. So I was allowed to have my tea, which had to be made by the nursing staff, due to every thing else on the ward being locked up for the night. After my usual two cups of tea, when I had trouble sleeping, I would be asleep with out the need to take the sleeping pill. I went through this routine over several hospitalizations now, the staff got used to me. A similar situation occurred when dealing with the anti-psychotic medication levels, that the psychiatrist prescribed for me, always heavier dosages, which I was always battling over for lower levels. With this last hospitalization it more complex, I would literal refuse to take the full prescription, by only taking the larger of the two pills I had to take. Thus uncutting the full prescribed dosage, it kept the staff at bay because I was still taking some thing and leading an active life on the ward amusing my self with my guitar and exercising with calisthenics, while consuming three balanced meals a day, along with snacks. When it came time for my discharge, the attending psychiatrist decided upon court order injections, to ensure I had medication levels that he wanted. I ended up getting a lawyer with legal aid and found my self in court, with the hospital lawyer along with the Doctor and his intern or resident. I was advised by my lawyer to negotiate a deal thus not having to show up in front of the judge except for him to sign the deal. There I was battling medication levels with lawyers and Doctors. At least I came out of the court house on less medication levels, than the Doctor wanted me to be injected with, I still ended up sleeping the greater part of the the two year court order away, due to medication levels. With being inflicted by extra-pyramidal side effects, I ended up on pills the last leg of the two year court order and presently control the extra-pyramidal side effect (EPSE) , by skipping medication consumption to regulate the muscle contractions (EPSE) of my lower extremities and torso. As medication levels have been reducing in my body, I have become more active, alert of mind, while regaining my sense of humour. I have started applying my engineering technician skills to try and earn more money to climb a notch or two out of near poverty of our house hold income.
Creative Arts and Music
I have continued on with my creative efforts in several ways, of course maintaining an update on my blog, while getting into learning to paint some floral designs, from a book that my spouse invested in. After a couple of tries I started to get pretty good, I intend to continue doing them to try and sell them at one point. I put together my own free website to promote my efforts, in getting some additional funding for my creative endeavors. It was good using a text book again learning HTML, I have to get the book out of the library again to make additions to my website. Reading has become more a part of me again, taking it upon my self to read a book again, I choice one on succeeding as an artist. It was informative, yet out of date for the internet. I have another book in mind at the local library, on not selling your self short as an artist. I have spent the winter from January to the end of April, taking guitar lessons at the hospital, with a student music therapist. My technique and skill on the guitar has wastly improved under her guidance, while even putting the written music on a score sheet, for a song that I wrote and composed. I intend to enter it into a contest that is presently going on at Place des Art here in Montreal. It was really good working with the student music therapist, for during the conversation of the lessons, she would gain insight as a student into schizophrenic issues. The student therapist witnessed my EPSE on occasion, which was good exposure for her, she dealt with it well. So I am off for the summer now from my music lesson at the hospital, but I still have my art group at the Out Patient Clinic. The Animator of the group has been very good, we have discussed as a group various aspects of stimulating creativity and done exercises prevailing to this. As a group, we have visited the Museum of Fine Arts of Montreal on two occasions. Once on a guided tour as a group, on parts of regular exhibition as an introduction to the museum, as a group project for exposing in the community hall of the museum. The second time we went, it was to find a piece of art to our liking and write or sketch about it, for our individual presentation to each other. It was a pretty good exercise and I have another design for a painting out of it, it is just a case finding the time and money to do everything I what to create. I made book marks on the computer with one of my art pieces, while including an introduction of my self, as Doctor Goober Modesty with web addresses of my art and creative writings on the internet. I get around advertising my self a bit with the book marks, in different circles around Montreal society in my local travels. So I am working at developing my name as an Outsider Artists, may be one day, my creative endeavors will have some financial returns.
A Student Caught On To My Blog For Research On Schizophrenia
A student that went by the name Melbytoes, when first contacting me, regarding my blog on my schizophrenic issues, informed me that she would like to have permission to use my blog and if I would help her with information as a mental health consumer for schizophrenia. I agreeded and we communicated through email while she was doing her term paper. Melbytoes took on an interesting twist with her self dealing along the subject of schizophrenia and religious/spirituality. As she acknowledge from my blog, persons with schizophrenia could have more of a need, for an approach to religious or spiritual guidance compared to others. Her writing show that there is information available on this matter, while the medical system is playing with the idea to introduce religious/spiritual guidance in treatment programs. What Melbytoes wrote can be viewed for reading at I was really glad that I could be of service to her needs, for putting the term paper together. I answered an eleven question interview by email regarding my feelings on religious/spirituality, if it was in my treatment etc. I will have to get her permission to post her questionnaire and results on my blog for common interest. Melbytoes asked me some good questions with her approach and concern over the subject she choice to deal with. This is not the first time that I have been contacted regarding my work on the internet. A Doctor of Sociology doing reseach for the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto, contacted me to get permission to refer to my art show located on the Ami Quebec website, when she was going to do a lecture to her colleagues. With being on the web as an artist/writer for just about two years now, I find my self thinking positively with this type of interlectual feed back on my creative works.
As I Look For Funding To Help Finance My Creativity
Being on a limited budget with me temporarily on disability pension, while my spouse does not make that much with her income, it is hard to finance some of the art I would like to do. The art designs that I display on my free website at are works that I would like to do on large canvas, while trying to get the images I need to duplicate onto my own art.These partical works are reflective of me once wearing a uniform once in my past. On the other side of my creativity, it has always been an interest of mine to produce my visual apparitions/hallucinations by painting them on canvases. I was working, when doing most of my art at my girl friend's side in her living room. Now that we are together as eaches spouse and winging the household finances the best we can , I have to get creative to find the money for larger expenses for my art. For this reason I have been working with the staff at my Out Patient Clinic to get letters of recommendation from my Doctor, Animator from my art group and Music Therapist for my musical endeavors, to apply for funding for my creativity. After reading the book on how to succeed as an artist, I got a more solid direction on the basics for applying for grants. The letters of recommendation from the clinic staff are slow in coming, I have been working on trying to get an art grant since I was in hospital on the court order. At first I could have had a possible art grant by taking medication in pill form and answering a questionnaire about the medication. At the time that this came to light, it was a conflict of interest with me being on the court ordered injections and was not possible at the time. Now I am trying another avenue for a corporate sponsor that has a budget for helping the arts in Canada. Grant you, my company Doc GM Creations here in Montreal makes a small amount of income with my building cleaning and maintenance service. I have the company objectives written as providing customized services along with designing conventional products and making those products for sale. Art is some sort of conventional product I guess, it would be a hard point to argue that it is n0t, either way my art expenses go through my company account. In the same light, if any reader wants to help finance my creative endeavors, a tax receipt can be given for taxation purposes for supporting an Canadian Outsider Artist. If any one is inclined this way, I can be contacted at to pursue the matter further.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Mirrors and Schizophrenia
I recently was bouncing around websites that deal with schizophrenia, being astonished at finding that there was a relationship with mirrors and schizophrenia, I thought I would write about it. Apparitely there is indication that it is common for persons carrying the diagnoses of schizophrenia to have gazed at themselves in the mirror for periods of time during their early years. I was really effected by reading this because I too have sort of a relationship with mirrors. When I was in high school , sure there are memories of me gazing into a mirror in reflective thought or looking for something in ones inner self. There is also the influence of watching for pimples and facial hair growing in, as any male teenager did, it was like I could spend a bit more time looking at my self while thinking deeply. It was not like I had a problem looking at my self in the mirror. What made me really think about this was the fact that one one time when I was mirror gazing the wooden hand that I had carved along with its chain around my neck seemed to vanish from the reflection of the mirror. As I recall it seemed like I was being drawn to the mirror and the jewelry went first, almost like pulling my self back and snapping out of some type of trance. With looking again, my jewelry was back in my reflection of the mirror. I never though too much of this at time, it was like I was on some mystical voyage already and I just chaulked it up as some thing to keep me thinking. It was not untill later on in The Canadian Coast Guard College during my first year that a Leading Cadet caught me at my mirror gazing in the public washroom in our dorm. I had done shaving and every thing, there I was hands leaning on the sink and in deep thought about who I was or what was to become of me in meditative thinking, when he spoke "What are you doing? Admiring your self in the mirror? ". I broke out of my state of mind while responding " No just looking at the other side of my self ". Which was in effect what I was doing.
In the later years after I was diagnosed as a person with schizophrenia, reflections of my early experience of the jewelry around my neck seemingly disappearing in the mirror, did have an influence on how I thought about all the related experiences of the metaphysical nature that I lived through. It was not untill I found a connection being made between the two on the internet that I found my self reflecting of old experiences. Like I wrote in my last entry on trying to hold down a job, supposably I have schizophrenia. Ok, I have tendencies and symtoms of schizophrenia. But what then is schizophrenia? It always helped me coming to terms with it, believing that it had something to do with the paranormal or metaphysical. I built a philosophy and theology around my apparitions/hallucinations. I even start a calendar based on some of the mystical ways I have picked up. It was mainly an up hill battle because mordren psychiatry does not have an approach to dealing with the metaphysical intervening in ones life, it becomes schizophrenia. This conclusion is drawn from engineering logic.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Re-occurring Dream of My Youth Haunts Me
My first means of having money other than my allowance from my parents was delivering the M0ntreal Gazette door to door as a teenager. Having been expelled from school for smoking a cigarette in the wrong place, my parents took away some of my teenage privileges, such as my Gazette route and not allowed out of the house. I remember it well because I had a ticket that night to Led Zepplin, the last time they played in the Montreal Forum in the 1970's. Later on during that time period of my youth I started delivering the Sunday Express for money. I had to repeat my last year of high school due to not passing secondary five French in Quebec, so the summer before my repeat year of secondary five, I worked in Montreal loading and unloading trucks for money with an agency. Some time after that summer experience, I started dreaming in ghostly images of a truck that I was trying to load with ghost like boxes, with me being a ghost my self. When I tried to put the boxes in the truck they would bounce back out and I could not load the truck to earn my pay. I had this particular dream as a recurring one for quite some time .
After graduating from the Canadian Coast Guard College and serving in the fleet for a bit, I left and went to the off shore oil industry on Canada's east coast. I ended up with a nerves break down after serving under a German Chief engineer that found problem with four Canadian engineers just before me, I was the fifth Canadian engineer to serve under him in a month. After applying the Canadian Shipping Act and refusing to sail with him, I found a way to sign off the ship and still have a job. My nerves were shot and I ended up on the first oil rig that started drilling on Hibernia oil well off the Newfoundland coast, after the Canadian oil rig Ocean Ranger sank on the well head in a bad north Atlantic storm. Then stranger than fiction occurrences happen while being on the oil rig while drilling on Hibernia well head. I was losing sight of my own mind from what was seemly like the on slot of paranomal activity. I resigned from my position and returned to land. One thing lead to another and I ended up in psychiatry and pumped full off anti- psychotic medication and given the diagnoses as a person with schizophrenia. I returned to Montreal under the guiding hand of my parents while being heavily medicated. I rebuilt my life in Montreal as a electromechanic transferring my skills from Marine Engineering. The late 1980's were pretty well recession years for the economy and I did my best keeping employed developing my skills on the job while taking courses at night. In 1998 the factory that I was working in had an industrial explosion were I ended up fighting fires and looking for bodies until the fire department took over. It was a good company but I left it, due to another job offer that I took and got screwed. I ended up unemployed and searching for work again. I was in and out of different jobs again while starting to dating my present spouse, then problems occurred between us as I enlighten people on the existence of the National Building Code and what you can and can not do when renovation a building. I was hospitalized over this several times and more or less lost my trades while psychiatrist ruled my life with court orders. I am now on disability pension which puts me at minium income half way through my life. It seems that I could never fill that financial truck of life and spent a lot of time near poverty levels trying to earn a living and make a future for my self. I am still haunted by this old dream of not being able to load that finacial truck because I do not earn a real living, I more or less survive on my spouses income and dragging her down with my chains of schizophrenic poverty. What can I write, it hurts dragging some one you love down into financial poverty, I know I have the next twenty years to earn a living, but I say to my self why leave the security of the disability pension, you loose good working habits when not employed. Start again for what, to argue proper engineering practice to people all over again and loose a job over it. I have a record of employment that says I was dismissed for being over qualified as an electromechanic, I have since lost those skills due to psychiarty and me supposedly carrying the diagnoses of schizophrenia. I remember one time when trying to earn a living and having an argument with an agent from Emploi Quebec weather I was fit to work or not while on unemployment issurance. It was like it was written that a schizophrenic was unfit for work. May be I will make it as an Outsider artist and fuck the world of holding down a real job.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Using The Computer To Flex The Muscle Of The Mind
In the last two and a half weeks I have ignored my blog, due to learning new skills on the computer while putting together the HTML required for my own free website, to display my creative endeavors. With a lot of trail and error, using my engineering logic with a text book, I learned some basic HTML while putting the whole website together. The work I did can be viewed at: http://www.angelfire/folk/docgmcreations . The site displays some initiated art that I am looking for funding to complete, through funding I can get to Canada's capital to get the photographs of the required images so that I can reproduce them incorporated into my art. Part of wearing a uniform never left me, it is in my art which is being developed into small series that I have in mind.
I always took to new challenges well being the individual that I am, I often reflected on this part of me that helped me succeed as I did, while being a consumer of the mental health system. I can not complain much, I got my childhood dream coming true with my ghost stories found in my schizophrenic issues. Another reason I feel that I was able too succeed was having had a college education in the government training that I went through after high school. Having had set goals in education , graduating, then applying those skills and making good money doing it. I was able to set my own personal goals high during my early manhood while accepting being a mental health consumer. I was always eager to work and go to school. Even back in 1985 in an after-care program, I attended university courses at night taking writing and theology courses. It helped to keep the mind working in a positive direction as I grew to learn what my schizophrenic issues were all about. Time was my best friend for I always used it well, trying to build up the success I once had after college. Having a wonderful home life with my girlfriend adds to my own personal happiness, I am no longer a lone dealing with my schizophrenic issues like my apparitions/hallucinations, I can talk to her freely about it with out being judged. I always hated the fact that it was my mind being judged and my sainess. By character I am a bit of a bumbling eccentric with spiritual and mystical values that made me too eccentric at times, as I was learning to cope with my second sight for apparitions/hallucinations. I was left on my own to figure them out, even although I was always being treated for schizophrenia, medical staff never spoke to me about them, on how to deal with them. The subject matter was just all delusion and no meaning. In a way I am grateful I had little influence concerning my apparitions/hallucinations, this way I was able to evolving looking at them in a more positive light, that there could be something more to it. I always had to consider that I have the type of schizophrenia that induces visual apparitions/hallucinations which is rare. It is more common to have auditory type apparitions/hallucinations, that can lead to more detamental anxiety for the person, hence higher medications levels, making it harder to function. When I was on higher medication levels as a young adult my parents were there to help me out and assist me with housing in their home. I maintained a good diet with my mother's cooking and the attitude was instilled in me not to lay down and be defeated. There were always bumps in my road map of life. Being hospitalized, strapped to beds, locked in isolation, they did not know what to do with me but give medication, when I went over board with my eccentric ways that are schizophrenic tendencies. I even considered these issues as a challenge and applied my education to reason them out in a mystical way, as to feel comfortable with my self and the added subject matter of my schizophrenic issues. For any one young and starting out with the diagnoses, I would tell them that they have to make them selves of strong character, flex the muscle of the mind in problem solving activities, so you can apply this thinking process to your schizophrenic issues, thus one can function on as little medication as possible while living with these complicated issues.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Seven Colours of Creation a Source of Inspiration
I have chosen the subject of my seven colours of creation to write about this entry to tell how apparitions /hallucinations can be a positive thing if a level headed approach is taken when dealing with this subject matter. I can not remember when I first started seeing the coloured balls of light or coloured flashes of spots, I do remember that the different colours came to me one by one over a period of time during my adult years. The colours came to me in a soothing fashion, the colour purple came to me when I was meditating at an alter that I had put together in my bed room. At first, when I started seeing coloured illuminations, it was exciting and I was eager to see more and some how learn from them. I had a old high school friend that I spent time with learning some guitar, I found him as a bit of a mystic so I brought up the subject of how I see what I called the colours of creation. He reponded to me with telling me how he had read about this type of thing in an old book on mysticism. It intrigued me how in my mystic ways I put a name to part of my apparitions/hallucinations, of which could be found in a book and called the colours of creation as I had named them. The last of the seven colours that I can see came to me, in the presence of my girl friend when I first started dating her. It was like the last and most significant colour of a pure white light came to me through my new love Caroline. During our time together in our relationship of seven years I was always open with her and what I see that others do not. Then again our house hold cat seemed to pick up on one ball of light that that I saw in our bed when we were sitting in bed together. The cat was sitting on the floor between me and the bedroom cupboards, when I noticed the glowing ball of a soft blue light hovering in mid air between the cat and the cupboards I turned and started watching the presence. I could also see the cat in my vision span and as I was watching the glowing ball of light, it seemed like the cat turned his head and started watching the light as well, for he appeared like he was looking right at it as I was. You always hear tales from people how cats can feel and sense things that we humans do not, I felt that this was a conformation of the fact and felt a sense of comfort that our cat seemed to be in tune with some of the apparitions/hallucinations that I have. Our cat is quite the character in in own right, and often he will bounce around the apartment with weather changes or seem to be reaching for something up the wall just like most cats, which always reminds me of how we seemed to share one of my apparitions/hallucinations at one point. The following is list of the colours and the meanings that I have put to them over time:
  1. White, representative of Gods and Goddesses
  2. Pink, represents love
  3. Blue, relating to knowledge and mysticism
  4. Green, reprensentative of friendships
  5. Yellow, representative of finances
  6. Purple, pertaining to battles and struggles
  7. Black, representative of powers of creation and engineering
I relate to these seven colours in differnent ways depending how I see them, in mid air, on a person, or in their eyes, it is like a guiding sense that some how relates to what I am thinking at the time. I have developed a relationship with them while sort of letting them guide me in one way or the other when creating a piece of art or having a conversation with some one when they occur. The seven colours of creation have become a wonderful part of my life with keeping in mind that you have to approach the subject with a level headednes and not go delusional over them. Dealing with them with a positive attitude becomes very forfilling and makes for one of the positive sides of my schizophrenic issues.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Extra Pyramidal Side Effects Were The Cause Of My Torture
Over the course of the time period that I was on court ordered iniections, I was on two different types of injections, I had changed medication due to undesirable sexual side effects. The first medication that I was on stopped me from getting sexual aroused. It could have been the medication levels and anger combined that did it to me, but a change of medication was pursued to resolve this unwanted side effect. On the second injectionable drug I requested instead of the first, it lead to extra pyramidal sides effect (EPSE), which brought on the early parole for the court order from injections. The haloperidol that I take now, at the low dosage of 3mg a day, seem to have put a end to the extra pyramidal side effects, except on scattered occasions. Three weeks ago, in my music lesson with the hospital music therapist, the extra pyramidal side effects struck really bad. I do not usually go for a cigarette break during my one hour music lesson but this time I had to, the EPSE made it very difficult to function. That evening I discussed with my girl what we should do. We came to the conclusion together that it was best to skip the medication for two nights on the weekend and tell the nurse Monday morning. I can not function well with the EPSE and I had to find a way to control them while still taking medication. My spouse marked the calendar and keeps track of how I am doing over all. After taking the two day break from the medication I started taking the meds again at the regurlar dosage. It stopped the EPSE for thirteen days then it was slowly started up again, then I stopped the pills for one night to control my medication levels in my body as not to be afflicted by the EPSE. Tonight was the second night that I have taken my regular meds since skipping the one evening medications. I do a better job while doing my once a week cleaning of a small office building, while having more pride with going about every day life. I am more talkative now that I am on lower medication levels compared to the court ordered injections that I have just come off. My belly has seemed to get a bit smaller with me having more energy and maintaining a healthier life style with daily activity. I do not lay down any more during the day and I am proned to getting up earlier while my spouse is getting ready for work. I enjoy being awake in the morning while she is getting ready to head out in the morning, I had slept away a lot of time when on the higher dose of injections and it was not much of a life that we had together but we persevered over the two years that I was on a fixed dose by the court ordered injections. The court order was not really a cure for any thing, it hampered my life with the EPSE more than any thing else, I would not wish what I went through on any one. It was really hard for the one that I love to watch me go through the EPSE, her child would ask me if I was dieing or not, it was that bad at times. It is good to have control of my life again while keeping a high moral through out my days, I would never want to end up on court ordered injections again, and have to face higher dosages and the accompanied side effects.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Mysticism and Schizophrenia Make For A Fine Line
After doing some research on the web about mysticism and schizophrenia, I found that there is a wealth of information pertaining to these two subjects. There has always been general knowledge in people that genus and craziness can be closely related, the way I see it in my life the aspect of mysticism grew to be very much a part of me. I was drawn to it from a young age, and it developed in me in different forms. I used to meditate to clear my mind and think of nothing by keeping the mind blank and end up listening to my body with a slow breathing. I would get a ringing sound in my mind that was not irritating, while staying focused on it and keeping my mind blank in meditation. In my mid twenties I bought my self a set of Tarot cards to investigate and I ended up doing a far bit of research on their history. I found a way to use the cards to forfill a mystical spiritual need in me. I developed a believe system around the cards that was a bit different from most printed material on how to use the cards. It served me well and have not used them for quite some time. I keep them beside my bed with my bible, I have at times turned to the old and new testament for guidance during troubling times. Every night my girl friend and I say our nightly prayer of togetherness, before going to sleep. An example of how prayer works with mental health issues comes from a newspaper article that I read once that was posted on the bulletin board in the hospital psychiatric ward, it stated in the article that it was found that mental health patients that have the power of prayer coming from family and friends seem to fare better than those that are not prone to getting prayers said for them. My parents go to church on a regular bases, and have done their fair share of praying for me over the years, while I succeed better than others in the system that I know for coping with the schizophrenia issues. I am also drawn to going to St. Josephs Oratory here in Montreal to light a candle and say thanks. The ambiance of the Oratory makes for a mystical setting, I went there when I was single for mystical needs and now my girlfriend and I will go together. We also have shared doing the Tarot cards together, for we each have our own deck of cards, they fill a spiritual need that we have together. So in my case the idea of being a bit of a mystic sticks with me, I found that believing in something greater than my self with this appoach appeased me and has guided me well. Now that I have access to the web I find more than enough reading material to stimulate my mystical growth with my schizophrenia issues of apparitions/hallucinations. The way I see it, there is more to my apparitions/hallucinations than meets the eye. They are a valid subject matter to be analysis and talked about, but I found that only a few people are comfortable talking about them and not just striking them off as delusion. They have insired some art, music and at times some good story telling to open ears that are not too judgmental. There is a lot living with schizophrenic issues and medication only makes for a small part of treatment, developing the schizophrenic issues into something positive and mystical helped cope with the issues and made my life better.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

In My Youth I Took Cod Liver Oil
There seems to be a lot of new research gearing to cod liver oil and omega-3 fatty acid. In my youth I had very good parents when it came to being fed. Mom would have the table set for breakfast and we all took our cod liver oil in pill form before eating. It was also in my diet to consume a lot of toast and sardines in the evening, sardines are all so very good to get fish oil in to your diet. When I left home and went to the Canadian Coast Guard College I had stopped taking the cod liver oil pills, but had a staple of fish in my diet in college. My Mother always gave me tins of sardines in care packages over the years. I have gone off them recently but have started consuming a daily pill of cod liver oil, I also intend to get back to eating my toast and sardines in the evening. When I was single I had a pretty bad diet living on my own. I was never one that liked having breakfast until 10 am or so, it was like I needed time to wake up in the morning before eating. I was never much of a fish eater except for my sardines and shell fish. I always get a assortment of snails and oysters in the can at the Dollar store in my area. All my favorite shell fish that cost a bit more money are really good for control of your omega-3 fatty acid from what I interpreted reading on the web. I found it ironic how I was a consumer of food that was supposedly good for getting oils into the body which has the possibility of helping persons with schizophrenia. I know what it is like to not hold down a proper diet during my years of consuming alcohol while socializing in the bars. With the stability of my relationship with my spouse I do not consume alcohol like I used to, and I do well for eating now that I have my disability pension. I have always been relatively healthy with not too many medical problems out side of psychiatry. I am one that is very fortunate due to never getting head aches unless it was self induced with alcohal, nor do I catch the flue very often and if I do I usually sweat it of in my sleep. I am not at the family Doctors very often, it psychiatry that has caused me to rack up my medicare costs as a Canadian, I found it easy to survive as a person with schizophrenic issues in Canada and would not trade my life for much. I have always been relatively happy in life in or out of psychiatry, it was the the treatment in psychiatry that has brought on anger in me. I coped and dealt with my anger pretty good as I developed dreams and a pathway in life with my good old self coming back to being, with healing over time.